Swinging With Safety The Code of Etiquette for Couples Sexual Sharing by Robert H. Adler Copyright 2001-2014 Nancy Adler Wilson Published by The Anakosha Corporation Naples, Florida 34120 All rights reserved Dedication This book is dedicated to the members of the Sensitivity Seminar Group, who blossomed, thrived and expanded their relationships beyond monogamy, as a community, by sharing their sexuality, respect, sensitivity and love. This book is also dedicated to every couple who is seeking to grow beyond the confines of monogamy, with the wish and hope that they will do so with wisdom and love. Table of Contents Introduction, by Nancy Adler PART 1 - An introduction to swinging CHAPTER 1 A Definition of Couples Swinging CHAPTER 2 Swinging is Not Sexual Anarchy CHAPTER 3 What Does the Word “Swinging” Mean? CHAPTER 4 The Three Paths of Swinging CHAPTER 5 How Did Swinging Get Started? CHAPTER 6 Why Do People Swing? CHAPTER 7 The Protective Blanket Of Couples Swinging CHAPTER 8 Threesomes PART 2 - Understanding the swing club scene CHAPTER 9 About Clubs in General CHAPTER 10 On-Premise Clubs CHAPTER 11 Off-Premise Clubs CHAPTER 12 The Closed-Membership Club CHAPTER 13 Private House Parties CHAPTER 14 How to Screen For a Club CHAPTER 15 Big Parties Versus Small Parties CHAPTER 16 Lifestyle Conventions PART 3 - How to meet compatible couples CHAPTER 17 Screening: the key to good encounters CHAPTER 18 What to screen for CHAPTER 19 Looking for that perfect couple? CHAPTER 20 How to answer a swingers ad CHAPTER 21 How to place a swingers ad CHAPTER 22 What Not To Do In Placing Ads PART 4 - Women in swinging CHAPTER 23 Male Misconceptions About Women in Swinging CHAPTER 24 Looking For a Bi-Woman? CHAPTER 25 How to Get Your Lady Into Swinging CHAPTER 26 Abused Women In Swinging CHAPTER 27 When Your Lady Doesn’t Want to CHAPTER 28 Female Orgasms CHAPTER 29 Swinging on Your Period PART 5 - Men in swinging CHAPTER 30 Shy Guys CHAPTER 31 The Single Male in Swinging PART 6 - Rules of Etiquette & Behavior CHAPTER 32 The Rule of No CHAPTER 33 Beware Laying Rules on Each Other CHAPTER 34 Release Your Partner at the Party CHAPTER 35 Hovering CHAPTER 36 Tickets CHAPTER 37 Say What You Want to Say CHAPTER 38 Exchanging Phone Numbers CHAPTER 39 Agree on a Quitting time CHAPTER 40 Cliques CHAPTER 41 Same Bedroom or Separate? CHAPTER 42 How To Approach A Potential Partner CHAPTER 43 Don’t Be a Gossip CHAPTER 44 Group Room Etiquette CHAPTER 45 Alcohol and Drugs CHAPTER 46 Couch Potatoes CHAPTER 47 How to be Guests at a Party CHAPTER 48 How to Give a House Party PART 7 - Fear, Jealousy & Morality - The Killers of Swinging CHAPTER 49 Fear CHAPTER 50 Jealousy CHAPTER 51 Morality PART 8 - Attitudes That Enable Swinging To Work CHAPTER 52 Attitude: The Key to Swinging Success CHAPTER 53 Reduce Expectation CHAPTER 54 An Active Party Is a Good Party CHAPTER 55 Lighten Up: It’s Fun! CHAPTER 56 Don’t Compare Yourself to Others CHAPTER 57 Swinging Dependants CHAPTER 58 Stressful Situations CHAPTER 59 Keep the Excitement Alive CHAPTER 60 Regular Attendance at a Cub CHAPTER 61 The Singles Attitude CHAPTER 62 Moral Philosophy CHAPTER 63 Political Philosophy CHAPTER 64 Avoid Negative Self Worth CHAPTER 65 Create a Party Goal CHAPTER 66 Take Time to Know People PART 9 - The Primary Relationship CHAPTER 67 The Love Connection CHAPTER 68 What Swinging Means to Us Personally PART 10 - The Role of Education in the Lifestyle CHAPTER 69 Why Education is Needed CHAPTER 70 A School on Swinging Introduction by Nancy Adler It is with great pleasure that I finish compiling the writings of my late husband, Robert H. Adler, or Bob as he was known, into this book which he himself began a few short months before his death in 1993. I am delighted to offer it on his behalf to the growing number of couples who are curious about alternatives to monogamy, which today in 2008 is growing by leaps and bounds, and to those who have the urge to open the doors of their sexual relationship and let others in. There are many couples in happy marriages who feel the need for sexual adventures beyond each other, but they do not want to cheat. They talk about it together. They create turn-ons with each other in the privacy of their bedroom with fantasies of their own making. This has been a forbidden subject in most societal circles and so they do not reveal it to others. The American culture can easily understand cheating, but as of today it still cannot comprehend two couples getting together by prearrangement for friendly sex. But sexual sharing is doable when done within sensible guidelines. It does work. It is practical. Plus it’s fun as well as therapeutic to families and marriages. It may not be talked about by mainstream Americans, but sexual sharing, more traditionally called “swinging”, between responsible adult men and women is being actively done on a large scale across the United States, Canada, Europe, Latin America and even into the Middle and Far East as we understand it, very carefully and discreetly. The couples who participate in it on average have a committed love relationship between them and a wholesome family life at home. They are devoted to their children, have community involvements, have careers and have religious or spiritual affiliations. In other words, they are normal people like you and me, not the dregs of society. Perhaps you are already involved, or maybe your neighbors without your knowing. No one can give the numbers for sure, but a conservative estimate based on surveys is between two and four million couples in the United States alone are swapping mates on private dates or participating in open marriages, group parties or attending clubs. They gather at protected facilities to enjoy each other socially and sexually, enriching their lives and taking home with them a greater togetherness, trust and devotion for each other, with no harm done to their relationships, for they are not doing it behind each other’s back. They are talking about it openly. Our parties were like workshops for couples in that they required an expansion of consciousness and the pushing back of former boundaries. Bob has used the word “swinging” in all of his original writings. I have substituted the phrase “sexual sharing” or “the lifestyle” in some places, while allowing the word “swinging” to remain in others. Since I worked with him on the original articles I feel comfortable updating the verbiage. I have also added references to the internet, since computer technology was not a consideration when most of these writings were done. Bob would approve of these changes. He himself said on more than one occasion, “I do not like the word ‘swinging’. We need to come up with a better word.” When most of these articles were written, swinging was the only word we knew and it was terribly overused. All kinky, unorthodox and perverted sexual behavior, including the dark side, were lumped under that one word, “swinging”, side by side with committed loving couples with normal loving sex lives, who simply wanted to extend their marriage to include a third or fourth person or more. Today there are efforts to find a more suitable word to describe the activity of couples loving other couples, for the word “swinging” just doesn’t do it. But the culture has not found a better word and so we call it “the lifestyle“. We have evolved out of the word “swinging” but we are still groping to find a meaningful substitute. In a strange sort of way, we are somewhere in a middle zone, undefined, exploring ourselves. Who are we? What do we believe in? We do not fit any known classification or box. We are still creating ourselves. But no matter what the name, all who participate in couples sexual sharing, or swinging, agree that this is a social pastime only, not a group marriage. You don’t have to get along with each other in the long term. It is only a night out, done on occasion and sandwiched in between work, family and other facets of life, no different than a night out to dinner or the movies with friends. In an age where career pressures, health crises and parent-child activities pull a couple apart with such high demands on their time and energy, this is one activity that is a slowing down process. It is done together as a couple without the children. In fact, in the majority of lifestyle clubs one part of a couple cannot attend gatherings alone without their mate unless it is by prearrangement and permission from the other partner. It is the couple with a good relationship that benefits most from this unconventional social activity. How? This book will hopefully shed a little light in that regard, by explaining this unorthodox behavior and its unwritten code of etiquette, with the intention of putting it into a better perspective than what the public media presents. Our lifestyle has been erroneously portrayed as seamy or pornographic when in fact it is healthy, loving and wholesome. For some, it is spiritual with esoteric dimensions. Unfortunately the outsider does not get to see the level of decency that takes place at these gatherings, nor the changes that are wrought for the better in each individual’s relationship. A terrible judgment is being cast on beautiful people, when in fact there is more honest affection and love between these sharing, happy couples than in many monogamous relationships where feelings are restricted and suppressed, which often leads to domestic violence out of unvented frustration. There are couples even now, this very night, couples in love, ages in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, some even older, who are primping before the mirror in anticipation of meeting others for an erotic liaison. They are symbolically holding hands and very much together in motive. If there are kids at home, the babysitter is there and they’re ready to go. It has been prearranged. It is a date. It is a far different scenario from that of the cheater who is, at this very moment, preparing an alibi in order to meet a secret lover without the spouse finding out, willing to betray the marriage vows for his or her own personal gratification. For a long-married couple, when the subject of sexual sharing is first brought up at home, men are usually always the initiators. They do the online research, write the e-mails, make the telephone calls, ask the questions, buy the books and gather information in whatever way he can, while his feminine partner stays at home thinking he is crazy. He introduces the subject, she resists. She waits to see if this is a passing phase. If he persists, she eventually comes around and reluctantly agrees to look into it. He is doing what is normal for the male and she is doing what is normal for the female. The male leads the way into uncharted territory. The female doesn’t want to leave the security of the nest and known world. This does not have anything to do with her sexuality. It is simply the feminine way to be cautious and protective. She must go slowly. This book does not spend time on the lofty why’s of the game. The author is pragmatic. He is interested only in behavior. The high philosophical questions must wait for another time and another author. But most participators in this unusual and controversial lifestyle agree that we do it because it is a natural evolution in a healthy relationship. After the honeymoon is over, every couple feels the pangs at one time or another to step outside the confines of the marriage, but the majority do not give voice to these feelings, fearing ridicule, terrible arguments, maybe divorce. Those who do talk about it will find swinging. There is a certain restlessness that grows in a relationship that is the tell-tale sign of the expanding need for variety and stimulation. It is normal. Swingers do not believe that humankind was intended to be monogamous. Too many natural urges are stifled. In conventional marriages cheating has always been the answer, but cheating is troublesome to the swinger because it must of necessity include betrayal. The relationship is important enough to the swinger to find another way. It is hard to restrain something as healthy, active and alive, as a loving relationship. Love wants to move and grow and include other people. It wants to interact with others and be affectionate and intimate. In a culture such as ours that has been built on religious restraint and repression of feelings, where do loving people go who want to expand and become more openly involved with others? Because of severe animosity and hatred swingers had to go underground so they wouldn’t be persecuted, and lose their jobs and respect in the community. The contents of this book were written between the years 1981 and 1993, Bob’s and my most active years as a couple in the lifestyle. Bob was 52 years old, I was 38, when we first discovered swinging. He was an intellectual and a writer by nature. He was intrigued by the concept of couples enjoying sex with other couples without cheating and being happy about it. It didn’t seem to bother them. He was drawn to study it and write about the phenomena, even as we enjoyed the lifestyle ourselves. To appreciate the author’s insight into the swinging lifestyle, it is important to know a little about his life. Otherwise, what makes him such an authority to write about it? Bob graduated from the Western Reserve Law School in Chicago but worked only three or four short years in law before a freak accident threw him into politics. As a member of the Young Republicans Club he was helping the Chicago area blacks gain the vote in the ‘40’s when he was shot by a drunk waving a pistol and yelling “nigger lover”. Fortunately, it was only in the shin but a local politician read about it in the newspaper and asked Bob if he’d like to go to work for him as his campaign manager. Accepting, he spent several years on the campaign trail, himself running for Congress but lost. Disenchanted with politics, he turned to securities brokerage. He worked for Dean Witter and other brokerage houses in the Los Angeles area over the ensuing years where he raised his family in an upscale neighborhood in Westwood. He also taught financial money management at adult night school and wrote a syndicated column entitled “The Money Doctor”. His spare time was devoted to rifle shooting, which he began for his children’s sake, and he and his youngest daughter, Mary Lou, both became champion marksmen with a room full of trophies. After his marriage of 24 years ended in 1971, we were married several years later and Bob and I moved to Costa Rica in Central America to start over. There he resumed writing his “Money Doctor” column for the little English language paper, The Tico Times, which went to 58 countries around the world. Inquiries from readers inspired Bob to research investments in that little tax haven country, which in turn brought him in contact with the newly forming Costa Rican Stock Exchange. Being in the right place at the right time, Bob bid for and won the only foreign seat on that Exchange, and once more he found himself in the brokerage business as Americans and Europeans sought offshore investments. It was during our Costa Rican period in the mid to late ‘70’s that we began our explorations into sexual sharing where we accidentally stumbled upon it because we were in love and looking for expansion. We were ready. We had been a monogamous couple for seven years by then and were talking about the possibilities of including others in our sex lives. We talked about sex a lot because we were enjoying it so much. Each of us had had a past involving sexual issues, and now we were free and together. Our first experience was with a single male friend while floating in our hot tub on a warm tropical evening after a discussion group and the others had left. One thing led to another and a spontaneous sexual encounter took place between the three of us on my skinny little meditation mat beside the pool. It was awkward, not very sexually satisfying for me, but it was fun and a breakthrough. From that point on our adventures began. We met others, one here, one there as we allowed our sexual openness to show. Soon we had a small handful of people whom we were entertaining once a week in our home. They were single people whom we paired together to make a couple. When it came time to move back to the United States, Bob answered 25 couples ads in a Florida swingers magazine. Thirteen of these couples responded with invitations. The year was 1981 when we made our first trip to Florida. It was in the Tampa area that most of the couples lived. We met and had intimate encounters with all thirteen couples. In turn we were invited to parties and a nudist resort for the first time. We discovered that these were our kind of people. We thought we had found heaven, and before we returned to Costa Rica we had bought a lovely house in Zephyrhills on the outskirts of Tampa. After closing out Costa Rica we retired to Florida and settled into a comfortable life free from business duties, integrating into an active network of partying friends, all couples. Bob continued to answer swinger ads in contact magazines, corresponding several times before giving out our telephone number. He approached the game studiously. He asked all the right questions, weeding out those who were not right for us. He solicited my opinion of each couple and I was happy to offer one. When we both agreed on a couple, we talked on the telephone with them first and then, if all went well, we invited them to our home for dinner. We planned each date carefully with a four-course dinner, wine, candle light, music, conversation, then to the hot tub and hopefully to the bedroom afterwards, if all were in agreement. It didn’t always work out that way, however. It happened that about sixty percent of the couples who came to our house were relatively new and fumbling. They had questions. They came to us with a hunger for knowledge and a need for reassurance that they were not crazy to have these feelings. These couples were sane and reasonable next-door neighbor types from all walks of life. It was titillating to meet them and talk about sex openly. We assured them that they were not alone. We explained that there were hundreds like them out there, maybe thousands. We didn’t know at the time that it was more like millions. In fact, we ourselves were only just beginning to understand the extent of this activity. They were trying to break out of a mold of sexual prohibition, as were we, without any guidance or role model to follow. Each couple reminded me of a little flower just breaking ground, hungrily seeking the sun, fresh air and rain to support its growth. Many of these couples needed to talk more than they needed a sexual encounter. And so it was that we spent many of our dates sitting after dinner on the couch comparing notes, sharing experiences and telling them what we had learned so far. One night after one such encounter we were sitting and sharing our thoughts about the couple that had just left. We had not partied that evening and a bit of frustration lingered in the air. Bob turned to me and said, “You know, what we need to do is invite all the new couples we have met so far over here all at one time so we can explain the rules to them, and stop spending so much time repeating ourselves. Then we can have one big party afterwards.” It was said half in jest but the idea took hold. Soon he was brainstorming with his good friend, Jim Boothe, who with his wife had become best friends. Jim had many years of experience in the lifestyle. He was the one who took the time to explain to us what not to do, as well as what made couples swinging work. Then Bob sat down at his big wooden desk and drafted an agenda for a seminar on swinging. He next contacted a lawyer friend in Orlando, also in the lifestyle, and had him incorporate The Sensitivity Seminar Group, which affectionately would become known as “SSG”. I created a display ad for “new and hesitant couples interested in learning about swinging”, which we placed in the Florida Swinging Moderns, a contact magazine for adults. These were the days before computers became mainstream. We had our first seminar in November 1981, made up of friends as a test run. The following month we had two paying couples to talk with, and gradually, bit by bit, attendance grew, though it was a slow and tedious process persuading couples to attend a seminar on swinging. Our swinging friends laughed at us, thinking it a great joke. But momentum took hold and once a month thereafter for twelve years we held an eight-hour seminar in our home with a party afterwards for those who wanted to try it. The seminar was exciting in its own right, but the party after was thrilling. Since those attending all heard the same guidelines at the same time, there was no misunderstanding about what they were there for. They didn’t have to beat around the bush or play mind games with each other. And by the time it was 9 o’clock, party time in our house, most of the couples were ready to experiment with sexual sharing. About 85 to 95% of the couples stayed and had a sexual encounter in some form. It was looked upon as a test, and the couples appreciated having a test required of them. It forced them to make a decision. The seminar program was a success for those who attended and it wasn’t long before we began receiving calls from graduates complaining about crude behavior they encountered at other parties they visited. They could tell as soon as they walked into a swingers party, who had been to one of our seminars and who had not, for their attitudes were disrespectful and behavior crude. They asked if we would please hold a party just for seminar graduates so they could meet other couples who were well behaved. So we held our first party outside of the seminar. No one else was invited from our list of friends, only seminar graduates. A second party followed and the alumni club, “Club Sensitivity” began. We started a monthly newsletter and implemented membership dues. Only those who had attended the seminar and had successfully swapped partners afterwards without problems were invited to join, which was a highly select group of couples. Those who did not want to swap that first time, were invited back to try again at a future party. They were not left out. The one-party-a-month schedule grew to two parties a month, and then to three and then to every weekend. Eventually Fridays and a few Sunday Fantasy parties were added. During these years, Bob and I spent most of our days at our desks, writing letters and talking on the telephone, counseling and explaining the seminar and swinging lifestyle to those who called, reassuring them. We told them it was not only OK to do, it was healthy and expansive for their relationship, as long as they discussed everything together and did not go behind each other’s backs. The first rule was that it was a partnership. You always did it together. Over the next 11 years we built a privacy fence around our large back yard and pool, and installed a ten-person, in-ground hot tub. We built a large dressing room and group shower out of half of the garage. An elaborate system of co-hosts grew within the membership to help with the work. This was all done in our home. Communal dinners were the norm every Saturday night, and on long holiday weekends we held three-day gatherings from Friday to Sunday, with tents, campers and outdoor BBQ kitchens hastily thrown together in our back yard. Extra refrigerators and freezers filled up the last of the garage, forcing the car permanently outdoors. On weekends, people arrived laden with food, pots and pans, clothes and other paraphernalia. They would hug us and say, “God, it feels good to be home!” and unload their baggage and strip down for the hot tub or pool. It was clothing optional. Friendship and bonding ran deep. And every Friday and Saturday night at 9 o’clock, it was party time. It was the ideal commune because everyone went home again after the weekend and left us in privacy once more and our house was quiet. This was the culture from which Bob drew for the writings that make up this book. In the quiet hours he wrote articles and passed them to me for my comments and additions, then sent them to swing magazines for publishing. He was a keen observer. He was amazed at how open the people were with each other, and how much they seemed to care for each other. It softened his heart. With his first wife he had been, in his own words, “a cheater of massive proportions”. With this lifestyle, he realized, one would never have to cheat again. This was the only way to go. Sexual variety could be done in a sharing way, together, instead of lying and cheating which ultimately breaks up a marriage because of the deception and sense of separation. The implications were enormous. He felt them deeply. The experience changed him from a hardened business man to a reflective and contemplative man. He was devoted to teaching others about the lifestyle, almost with a sense of mission. He had a seemingly unlimited tolerance for the mistakes committed by the uninitiated. He did not put them down for their ignorance, but guided them in a way that was scholarly and professorial. He not only helped them to grow up and become sexually responsible, but he taught them about sex itself. He had an unusual wellspring of experience to draw on that happened during the summer when he was 16 years old, and which I’ll take a moment to tell you about. It took place while he was on summer vacation in Miami visiting his father. He referred to this experience often. Roaming the beach one day he ran into a slightly older male friend from his home town of Chicago, named Kenny, age 19 or 20. It was the summer of 1940 and Kenny was working as a masseur at a fancy hotel in Miami. It seems the masseuse had quit and Kenny had filled in temporarily in the women’s salon. Kenny found that women turned on under his treatment and they wanted more from Kenny, which he could not do at work. So invitations to come by their house after work were being offered to him. Since most of the husbands were business men working up north and nowhere around, Kenny began making nightly rounds to various lady’s apartments, older women between 35 and 60. But he couldn’t keep up with the demand. It was at that precise moment in history that Bob bumped into his old friend from Chicago. Kenny, age 20, looked at Bob, age 16, built like an athlete, and decided to clue him in. Kenny explained the problem in detail and asked Bob if he’d like to participate. With very little hesitation (what 16-year-old red-blooded American male wouldn’t?) Bob agreed, though he was full of questions. “What do I do?” Kenny assured him that the women would show him what to do, all he had to do was show up at their apartment. And so it was that all that summer Bob, still innocent to the ways of women, learned about pleasuring women from master teachers twice his age and more. Lonely women who had been rubbed and relaxed on the massage table and allowed to feel their bodies turn on while their husbands were back in New York, Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles making the family fortune. They taught him in the privacy of their bedrooms specifically what to do, and about that special spot inside that they could not even tell their husbands about. The sexual training he received that summer was invaluable in Bob’s later years, and used to great advantage during our swinging years. At Club Sensitivity, many people felt that I was the more influential one of the two of us because I was the more outgoing and social. I met everyone at the front door as most women do and hugged them inside to welcome them to our home. My open-hearted welcoming hugs became famous. Little did they know that it was Bob who had the greater love. He loved us all from a distance the way a captain loves his ship and carries its passengers to their destination. I don’t think many realized at the time just how much influence Bob Adler had on them, because he was not “one of the guys”. In many ways he was aloof. But he pulled the strings that made it all happen and he did it quietly. If he saw a man or a woman sitting alone at one of his parties, he would make a subtle suggestion to an appropriate person to go over and draw them out. He taught the shy and hesitant men how to approach a lady and “pull out their order book and write the order”, meaning, “Go ahead and ask her. You’ll never know unless you ask”. And he taught them how to read a woman’s body English. “I don’t get many rejections,” he told the men, “because I don’t ask until I get some kind of signal.” He was a deep thinker and a quiet man, but he taught the men the sexual basics: “If you can’t get it up, use your tongue. A lot of women don’t climax in the missionary position anyway.” He taught them about vibrators and the G-spot. But most importantly, he taught them to lighten up. “It’s just a game,” he’d say with a knowing look in his eye, “It’s not serious.” And while the women argued with him, secretly they liked it. He gave them permission and enabled them to lighten up too. Speaking of the women’s approach, when we first became involved in couples sharing, the men’s approach ruled the lifestyle. There wasn’t a whole lot of socializing done, or time spent becoming acquainted. Bob helped change that at SSG when he taught that women were the ones in charge. With his understanding of women, he shifted the focus away from male needs onto women’s needs. He explained that if the woman didn’t enjoy herself the first time around, the husband would have a hard time getting her to return. To the men he said, It behooves you to take care of the other ladies, too, and see that they enjoy themselves if you want to have a good time yourselves. And they did. The men went out of their way to please the women sexually. Bob had a healthy appetite for sex himself and he was rewarded for his efforts with an abundance of sexual opportunities and a never-ending supply of subject matter to write about. As he watched the sexual blossoming of hundreds of couples, in some of which he personally participated, he was a prolific writer. He did not write pornographically, as many people new to the lifestyle did, as a turn-on for themselves. He wrote articles of serious consideration. He wrote about the behavior he saw. He examined the infrastructure that made swinging work. How could it be that couples could so easily exchange mates without problems? What made it work so well? What made it go wrong? What are the hidden codes? Very few writers were tackling these subjects analytically. Most of them were caught up in the rich eroticism of the lifestyle. The reader will catch glimpses, as these pages turn, of Club Sensitivity living and breathing in the background, with its 200 active member couples. I did not try to take these references out while putting the final touches on this book, because they are the heart and soul of Bob’s writings. From hindsight, I think the group that evolved in our home was rare and unusual even by today‘s standards. The couples he came to know intimately, influenced and inspired him even as he helped to shape and mold them in return. Those couples live on in his writings, and today they will see reflections of themselves in his stories. This book is a book about couples for couples. Single people, while we may love a few and have some as friends, do not belong in these pages. We have all been single at one point in our lives, and we will all be single again some day. But this is a couples sport. Some clubs do accept singles but most couples seek out couples-only groups. You don’t mix apples with oranges. Single men and women do not have the same perspective as couples do. Partners in a relationship consider one another before making decisions, where single men and women make autonomous decisions. Those who are in a committed relationship make compromises for the sake of the relationship which is often abhorrent to a single person. Couples place their primary partner first, over and above their swing partners, whereas a single person makes each person “first” for as long as they are with them. This often translates into romance unintentionally, which can lead to a serious affair of the heart. Single people are not disliked by couples, and in fact most couples who enjoy this lifestyle have at least one single friend if not more, whom they have grown fond of and include in their amorous activities. But such individuals are hand-picked with care, based on trust and rapport. It is an unspoken rule that couples do not bring their single friends to a couples party because they know the other couples would be uncomfortable. In a couples-only environment, couples feel safe. This was a fact recognized early on by Bob. He realized that the rules that permitted such free and open behavior grew out of trust. Everyone there already had a primary partner so they were not scouting for one. They could relax and not worry about losing their loved one. Plus there were private agreements that each couple had between themselves. Each couple had come to certain conclusions before stepping over the line: “We will stay together. Don’t leave me!” “If I say No, you have to pull back.” “You won’t go with anybody I don’t want you to go with, and I won’t either.” “I’ll agree to try it if you’ll stick by me.” “You won’t be gone longer than an hour.” “We’ll go home together.” “You won’t sleep with anybody all night. You’ll come back and sleep with me.” “You won’t invite anybody over without asking me.” And so on. Taking all of these private agreements into consideration and multiplying them by the ten, twenty, thirty couples at the party, each of whom had their own set of rules, formed the code of etiquette of swinging at our club. It was rule by consensus, Bob realized, and began writing about this extraordinary insight. The infrastructure was solid. To an outsider peeping through a proverbial window at the height of a party, it would appear that each person was operating independently of a partner for most couples separated in our house. But underneath, each was linked, heart, mind and body to their primary partner. Husbands and wives checked on each other throughout the evening. Jealousy popped up if someone was gone too long, or went off without informing the other, or they couldn’t find them for an hour, or if someone were making more noise than they made at home. The connection between each couple was palpable. You could feel it when you stood between them and when you played with them in bed. And you could feel it when there was a problem in the relationship, for it was the relationship that attended a gathering, not two separate individuals. And there was teamwork here. The men were not predators as in the outside life, but protectors. They enforced the consensus rules which made the lifestyle safe for their women. One man would protect another man’s wife if she needed help. It was very much like a tribe. The women in turn draw the men in, because the men were uncomfortable with this new social way of engaging in sex. It wasn’t natural to them. Today there is a popular saying that men push their women into the lifestyle but the women pull the men back again when his tendency is to quit. This refers to the phenomenon that a man likes to have sexual control. He is competitive. He has been in control most of his life and he was in control while coaxing and persuading his lady to try this lifestyle. But now that she has accepted it and is actually enjoying herself, he suddenly finds himself at a loss as to what to do or how to act. He is on the outside looking in. He doesn’t quite know what his role is supposed to be. It’s a totally new environment, with different rules. He does not know how to play this new game. He is forbidden to apply pressure, push or coerce a lady into having sex with him, which is the only way he knows how to do it. So now it is the woman’s turn to help the man. And she does it in her own special way, by including him into the fold socially and showing him how to get along. It is a more feminine lifestyle today. A switch has occurred from male dominance to female empowerment. Not female dominance, although some women do get carried away and suffer the consequences within their relationship. But it is about female empowerment. Women are finding their voice. They can talk about their sexuality where they could not do so before. Bob was instrumental in that cultural switch in our little corner of the world. The number one rule at SSG was that each relationship was sacred, even one that was abusive as much as we hated to accept that. Bob emphasized this heavily during the seminar. He remembered clearly his own cheating days, the discomfort of not only lying to his wife but to the women he had affairs with as well. He felt badly about it. He appreciated the lifestyle so very much. He saw the beauty in it much more than I did because I never cheated. He saw how it could save families from breakups, divorce and unhappiness. He told them to talk to each other, tell each other what they felt, what they wanted, when they were feeling jealous, and he reminded them to listen. He explained that this lifestyle was only a brief excursion outside of their daily life, not a romance. They could separate and go into two different bedrooms if they wanted to, or stay together in one, that they could create any number of scenarios including female bisexual encounters. They could have threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes or tensomes, but when it was over and time to go home, “you go home together and you sleep together,” he told them. The women were happy to hear this. He taught that a couple evolves into the lifestyle; they don’t walk in already made. Two people have to stretch and tug on their differences of opinion to ultimately form a new understanding and new agreements. They literally forge a new relationship out of the old one. If they cannot do this, if one of them refuses, they eventually abort the lifestyle because it does not work for them. Bob and I did our own share of stretching and tugging in our early days of exploration. We had long philosophical discussions late into the night after parties, sometimes to the break of dawn. Being associated with the lifestyle changed us dramatically. Bob, 14 years my senior, a practical business man, politically savvy, trained as a lawyer, and I, a free-love flower child who preferred spontaneity to rules, had a lot of differences to talk about. He pointed out to me that it would be anarchy if everyone were spontaneous all at the same time, as I suggested, with each one following their own feelings. I did not agree until he added “because the stronger people would take advantage of the weaker ones”. “The first sign of civilization,” he told me, “is an attempt to create order so this doesn’t happen.” I saw the logic in that. He explained that when you have parameters set down to guide you, you have more freedom, not less, because then you don’t have to think about each step to take, whether it’s right or wrong or what to do next. That made some sense to me, though I continued to argue with him. I felt that rules took away my spontaneity. But a lot of what he said rang true to my 60’s flower-child heart, and in the end he melted it when he said, “Freedom isn’t something that can be given to you. You have to earn it.” It should create a great sense of relief for the reader to realize that there is structure and a civil code of behavior within the lifestyle of couples swinging. This is true no matter where you go on the North American continent, to greater or lesser degree. It works equally well in California as it does in Florida, Canada or Massachusetts. Even though the couples have never met before, they will know how to behave responsibly if they meet at a party. It is a shared consciousness that spans the globe. This responsible behavior can be found in even the most isolated group which has had no contact with other groups. A code of responsible ethics is emerging as a grass roots movement to assist the birthing of this new era of sexual freedom. We’ve come a long way since the 60’s. No one person has laid the rules on us. It has pushed outward from within each of us. It is a silent consensus of all who participate. Becoming conscious of this code takes a little time for newcomers, but gradually they too will birth it within themselves if they give it a chance. It is fun to watch the resisting process, for I did it myself. Some people believe that sex with others is no different from what they have at home. They feel that all they have to do is open the door a crack, reach out and haul another person or couple into their bed with them, and close the door and nothing changes. What they do not realize is that whenever you open the door a crack the light will enter too, resulting in an expansion of consciousness and power. Whenever Bob ran into resistance from those men (never a woman) who felt they did not need to learn any etiquette or code of behavior, believing that they already knew everything there was to know about sex and swinging, he responded with patience. “When you first learn to drive a car,” he would say, “You have to learn the rules of the road or you’re apt to drive into a tree and hurt yourself.” He would explain that the old rules of sex don’t apply here. Take the time to learn the new rules first. How you relate in a monogamous relationship has nothing to do with relating with two, three, or five other people who also have husbands and wives. The seminar was a weeding out process. The couple who was closed to this information and did not want to hear it, simply did not return. We were left with intelligent, open-minded people willing to listen. These were the ones who agreed that they didn’t know everything there was to know about sex. They knew their own wife or husband, yes, and they knew how they did it at home, but they didn’t know the other ladies or men or the invisible relationships that held them together. Sexual techniques were therefore discussed openly although it did not come easily. There was tension. The subject of sex had been shrouded in secrecy and covered with guilt and shame. But discussions about orgasms, G-spots, erections and oral sex, broke the tension eventually. Bob tried to persuade other clubs to develop seminar programs, but he failed during his lifetime. Orientations or seminars simply weren’t done in 1981 for newcomers. Not even in 1993 when he died, with only one exception, were there all-day seminars like ours on how to safely open up their sexual relationship to include others. The one exception was a couple, Ken & Pam of The Palms in Fort Myers, Florida, who operated a seminar and party in their home after learning how to do it from us. For 12 years they too oriented couples into this way of life happily and successfully until Ken died, forcing the closure of their club. People still talk about them warmly, as they do Bob and me. Without attending our in-depth seminar of preparation, couples would often attended a club or private house in a quick and total emersion into open sex, leaving them traumatized and shell-shocked. They literally “exploded” into the lifestyle rather than walking in gently. The author from the beginning realized that education was needed. Today conventions are replacing what our all-day seminars provided. Conventions were just coming into the culture in the late ‘70s and ‘80s, with a full agenda of seminars, experiential workshops, discussion groups, dances and dinners, hospitality rooms, party suites and even club owner meetings. Bob and I took the opportunity to attend every one that we could. These conventions gave us a larger view of what we were involved in, so we understood better how our small club fit into the larger whole. We also realized how unique we were in our focus on education and the seminar. Bob exchanged letters with those club leaders he met at conventions, and an unusual relationship developed between Bob and George Pittman of the In-Touch Convention and Palmetto Socials. Thirteen and fourteen page letters flowed frequently between them. Often disagreeing with each other and hotly debating the issues involved, they used each other to hammer out the foundations of the lifestyle as it applied to their own groups. Because seminars were unheard of when we began in 1981, we were ridiculed. It was considered silly and a waste of time. People snickered about our use of the phrase “graduates”, referring to those who had proven themselves at one of our seminar parties because they had had a sexual encounter with another couple. Bob was told our approach would not work. It was unrealistic to expect people to attend an eight-hour seminar and then to “swing” afterwards. You can’t demand that, they said. But it didn’t bother Bob. He considered SSG a school, not a club. He understood that our goals were different. He knew it was needed and he was proven correct over time. It was a slow growth, but the program produced an excellent group of couples. Club Sensitivity gained a first-class reputation nationally. Today other clubs are beginning to hold educational seminars for newcomers, some more intensive than others, as entry requirements for joining a club. But the large majority of club leaders are unwilling to invest much time and energy in education, so teachings about this new social culture continue to be difficult to find. Because of the need to be discreet, there is a surprising lack of information reaching the public, thus mainstream America does not know much about what goes on behind these closed doors. Recent television shows and documentaries in 2008 prove that ignorance still rules. Participants do not talk about it out of fear of reprisal. While it is a sane, rational, joyful thing to do, there is a quantum leap required to jump from the monogamous bedroom to an encounter with another couple, or a houseful of sexually available friends at a cocktail party. I owe a debt of gratitude to my new partner, husband and soul mate, for the support he has given me as he and I continue the work begun by Bob and myself. As a civil rights attorney and an equally passionate believer in the cause, he helped me, a year after Bob’s death, to incorporate The Anakosha Corporation as the feminine side of SSG. Founded on SSG’s powerful and solid base, Anakosha is taking a new twist and turn with the help of the Internet, and Doug is at the legal helm guiding us in a practical way to greater heights and broader vision. With love I make this book available to you. It comes from Bob Adler’s heart and intellect. Bless you on your journey into greater sexual responsibility and accountability and hence, into greater intimacy and freedom. Keep an open mind as you read and if you decide this lifestyle is not for you, put the book down with reverence for we are people just like you, pursuing a dream. Nancy Adler The Anakosha Corporation nancy@anakosha.org Naples, Florida 34110 Part 1 An Introduction to Swinging Chapter 1 A Definition of Couples Swinging The greatest fear we hear expressed by virtually all couples considering entering “the swinging lifestyle” is that one partner will find someone “better” or will fall in love with someone else. In the seminars which we have conducted for new and hesitant couples over the past ten years, this is the predominant concern, more so than either disease or morality. The phraseology goes something like this: “What if he/she finds someone he/she likes better than me?” For those who understand the rules of the game, finding someone “better” in the lifestyle is not a risk at all. In fact, rules of swing etiquette have evolved to negate that very danger. The first rule of swinging requires evaluating your own relationship to determine if you should even consider the swinging lifestyle. How much commitment do you have to your relationship? To your wife or husband or, if unmarried, to your primary partner? If you have any question at all about the depth of that commitment, swinging will probably destroy it. The question of commitment is not tested by saying “Swinging or me, take your choice,” but rather by placing the primary partner over and above any swing partner or lusty passion. The primary mate is the first concern and, if that is so, swinging is successful because both parties care for and are concerned about each other. In the rock solid committed relationship where both parties are equally determined to make it work, problems are reduced to ashes in the powerful shining commitment to each other. When the relationship comes first, nothing takes precedence over it, not even the friendships like an abused other wife seeking sympathy who could distract you, or a victimized other husband seeking a home, or a young widow with children, or any other disturbed friend who would draw you emotionally into a cause and create friction between you and your primary partner. Only a couple with a total commitment to each other are going to make it for long as swingers and still have a relationship at the other end. Only in a commitment that has been tried and tested again and again, can trust be built. Only with trust can you avoid the pain and problems of jealousy. What are the situations to watch out for? What are the activities that are not considered “swinging”? When you are single and dating, you are seeking a relationship. Single dating is not swinging, no matter how many partners you have. The anticipated end of single dating, the goal, is to find somebody special. If you are married and have an affair, it is not swinging. The relationship with the other person requires involvement, promises, and some level of commitment which, in turn, competes with the relationship you have with your primary partner. Whether you are single and dating several people, or married and having an affair, neither case can be considered swinging. Likewise, those who have an open marriage are not considered swingers because they indulge in separate activities. In an open marriage, each party enjoys the privileges of being single, including private dating with permission from the other. Swingers do not want open marriages or private affairs because those detract from a rock-solid relationship. There is an inherent risk to dating separately. If performed away from the primary partner, even the most superficial sex act can turn into a deadly serious affair. Swingers choose to avoid that risk, preferring to engage in their sexual variety together. That way it is fun and adventurous, enhancing their closely bonded relationship. In fact, swinging evolved as a safe alternative to cheating to avoid the guilt trips and complications that such cheating and open marriages fall prey to. Those who have a menage a trois, which is a threesome relationship involving a couple and one additional man or woman, are likewise not swingers. By including a third party into the committed relationship, a serious danger exists that one or the other will find the third person “better”. Better able to provide emotional support, better able to satisfy a sexual need, or better at giving mental or spiritual stimulation. And a division inevitably occurs in the once-committed relationship. Another example would be the couple who extend their sexual activities to include just one other couple as the sole source of variety in their lives. They are not considered swingers either. This is a heavy, emotionally involved, extended family relationship that carries with it all of the dangers highlighted above. More often than not, two of the four people fall in love, infatuation or lust. We have seen close to thirty of these “special relationships” over the past ten years develop into traumatic divorces. In every case, there was an odd man or an odd woman left out when the relationships crumbled due to the emotional confusion of living too close. So, if none of the above are swinging, yet each of the above involved non-monogamous relationships, what is swinging? Swinging is a shared activity enjoyed by a couple who are committed to keeping their relationship intact. They have their sexual liaisons together at the same time and in the same location, though not necessarily in the same bedroom. It involves a limited time frame, as well as a number of different sexual partners who provide variety but not involvement. The key to successful swinging is to remain uninvolved. To remain emotionally uninvolved requires a recreational, short-term attitude. You play the game, then disconnect and go home with your primary partner. Swing partners may be singles in a threesome mode, but more typically couples prefer other couples so both can participate. A couple arrives at a club, party or liaison together, they will leave together, and by all means they will sleep together. They never sleep all night with their play sex partners. Swinging is not about personal sex, which is what a couple have in their own private, one-on-one relationship. It is, instead, about recreational, friendly sex. Swinging, to those of us who have tried to define it to each other, is about protecting our relationships, not risking them. Approached as a recreational activity, there is no more risk than you find in a mixed bowling league or at a Saturday night card club, except that it is far more pleasurable, exciting and stimulating. We read in the newspapers day after day about prominent people, ranging from ministers to U.S. Senators to local school teachers, who are caught engaging in extramarital affairs. These are all fine, upstanding citizens with wives, husbands and families. The point is that for a huge preponderance of human beings, sexual variety and excitement is a need, not merely a want, and it must be fulfilled one way or the other. If it can’t be accomplished above board or at home, it will be done in secret. The needs of a minister who preaches morality are no different than the needs of a grocery store manager. Unfortunately, it is the minister who makes the evening news. The grocery store manager does not make the news, but rather lands unheralded in divorce court. That is why swinging as we know it today evolved. Nobody in the community cares if a single has a variety of sexual partners. There is essentially no adultery in the divorce courts where singles are concerned. But when one partner of a married couple has extramarital adventures behind the spouse’s back, we have a nasty word to describe it: cheating. Swinging emerged to avoid cheating. It’s a medium for couples to enjoy sexual variety while simultaneously preserving their personal relationship. This natural progression in our monogamous society involves a sense of group responsibility, where all members of the group watch out for one another. Sexual variety means exactly that, a variety of at least several other partners in fun, light, social, recreational relationships. You can fall in lust for an hour or two, but you fall out of it at the end. You go home with the one you love, the one with whom you have a full-time commitment. By sharing this as a recreational sport, not as separate dates, you invariably enjoy a revival of sexual stimulation at home. You both know why you’re excited. There is no guilt trip, no need to hide something. It sparks your own lovemaking with thrills, renewing your bond and reaffirming your pact with each other. You find you trust one another. The relationship not only remains intact, it grows stronger. Now you have an activity you can totally share. Once you have done that, you can truly call yourselves swingers. Chapter 2 Swinging Is Not Sexual Anarchy There is a perception among the general public that swinging is a sexual free-for-all. Sorry folks, ‘taint so! Sexual sharing is a lifestyle. And as such it has its boundaries, its rules and its own protective limits, just as any social lifestyle in our society. The famous Paul Miller report in 1985 showed that 93% of all swingers were members of committed couples. The other 7% were bi girls and some select single men. That should tell us something. What it tells us is that swinging is a couple’s answer to the need for sexual variety without the devastation that occurs to a relationship through cheating and other extramarital involvements. To work, swinging must be a shared adventure between two members of a couple, in which each must derive pleasure. Before entering into this lifestyle it must be understood that there is an investment that must be made by both parts of the couple. Those couples who successfully adapt to sexual sharing learn this early on, some the hard way. They must both participate if they are to get full return. They must both share each other freely and openly. Many of us entered the lifestyle through threesomes. At the beginning it was exciting to see your mate with someone else sexually, but soon that grows old. Man or woman, you are giving your mate and getting little in return except vicarious thrills. As a couple you are not going to involve yourselves in a social relationship with that single, whether it is a man or a woman. In a menage a'trois someone always loses in the end. It may last for awhile, but a competition inevitably occurs. As much fun as those threesome stories are to read about, they are only pure sex and pure sex is only the tip of the iceberg. Fantasies are lived out in the telling of such stories. There is much more to sexual sharing than is obvious on the surface, and much that remains untold. Few couples ever made it in the lifestyle who did not have extremely solid relationships to begin with. The primary interest of virtually every couple we have ever dealt with, and we are talking about well over a thousand, is friendship, not sex. They are looking for compatible couples who share their interests in sports, business, children, crafts, philosophy, or whatever, and with whom they can develop a better and closer relationship than they can with non-swinging friends, through intimate knowledge of the other. How many ads have you seen in magazines that state, "We are not interested in one-night stands"? Sex is the entry point into the lifestyle and always remains the frosting on the cake in the friendships that evolve. But what happens to the primary relationship back home is what makes sexual sharing work. A primary relationship requires trust, and this trust must be extended to include others. Sexual sharing is an ongoing reality for many couples purely and simply because they conform to the above-mentioned, unwritten rules. They do not operate singularly, but take the group into consideration as a whole. Before detailing the rules of behavior in the coming chapters, perhaps we can simplify the definitions by understanding the philosophy behind the rules. Simplistically, as a husband, I will treat other women with the same level of respect that I expect other husbands to give to my wife. I know that, unless she is well treated, she will not stay in the lifestyle. Those who fail to understand that philosophy are seldom asked back again, and soon they have no one with whom to enjoy sharing intimacies. For couples, swinging works only if it enhances the relationship. Obviously, this means that it is something you do as a recreational activity together. If it creates separations, it won't work. That means you don't set up separate dates, you always go together. That does not mean you cannot prefer to go into separate rooms at the same party. It only means you come to an encounter together and you leave together. As a preview of later discussions in more detail, by and large, the two most important behavioral rules in swinging are, rule number one, that no member of a couple isolates a person from his primary partner for his or her own purposes. That changes swinging into an affair-type atmosphere and that is anarchy. The second most important behavioral rule is the "Rule of No". Anyone who grows roses will tell you that the phrase, "A rose is a rose is a rose" is not true. Each rose is different. That is equally true with the phrase, "A swinger is a swinger is a swinger.” What an individual does with his or her body is highly personal and selective. And the same laws of attraction that are part of any social relationship development apply to sexual sharing. Just because someone is involved in this lifestyle does not mean that that person desires to have sex with everyone else they meet in the lifestyle. When we listen to new couples at our seminars recount their one or two bad experiences as they struggled in their beginning days, it always revolved around being compelled (or so they thought) to go to bed with someone who did not attract them. Sex is a highly personal and intimate act. The feelings have to be there to make it a good experience. I would hate to tally up the number of couples we have lost to the lifestyle because they did not understand that they as individuals had the right to say, "Sorry, I don't want to go to bed with you!" People who are successful in our lifestyle are successful because they know they can make choices and not fear violence or reprisals. In fact, we will expel anyone who tries to force a person into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do. The term "force" in sexual sharing does not refer to physical force, for we have found none of this in the couples network, but rather to the mental and psychological pressures to which a woman is so often subjected in normal life. There are other basic common sense rules that lift the swinging lifestyle out of the category of sexual anarchy. Cleanliness, for example, makes for a desirable partner and reduces risk of disease. The subject of hygiene covers a broad range, from douching with water after sex for women, to washing under armpits for men. Excessive alcohol has no place at a sexual sharing party and experienced couples have learned to reduce their liquor consumption. Obnoxious drunks are unwelcome. Men often become pushy and defensive when too much drinking has caused an inability to achieve an erection. And responsible swingers never bring drugs to the home of a host couple. Few sexual sharers use drugs. And as far as condoms are concerned, men respect a woman’s request for the use of contraceptives if she fears pregnancy or disease. If they don’t want to use one, they decline her. These are but a few of the normal behaviors of the lifestyle we call sexual sharing, or swinging. The rules have not been devised by any one person. They are majority rules and, to fit in with the population of the swinging lifestyle, a couple must not only understand them but cooperate with them. To make any lifestyle work, there has to be some common framework of behavior. This lifestyle is not sexual anarchy. If anyone thinks that its only purpose is selfish sexual gratification, they won't last long. Chapter 3 What Does The Word “Swinging” Mean? We have tried to research, in many ways and over a long time, the derivation of the word “swinging” as the accepted nomenclature for the lifestyle we share, and we have failed. When it originated in its modern form as a couples activity, clear back into the early 1940’s, it was referred to as “wife swapping”. Then, from out of the blue, somewhere in the late ‘60’s or early 70’s, the term “swinging” appeared, caught on, and became the accepted descriptive word. But no matter where the word “swinging” came from, the problem now is that the word does not carry the same meaning as “wife swapping”. It is different. The word “swinging” is not descriptive of any one format, style, or type of event. In essence, it seems to include a total gamut of activities that can be done by a couple to create sexual excitement and expansion beyond the norm of their own monogamous bedroom experience. It only requires one or more other people to be part of that experience to make it a “swinging” activity, but those people must be present. In many ways, the term "swinger" is probably the most ill defined and misunderstood word we know. Webster's Dictionary defines it as "one who has many sexual partners". But that really is not true. A single man or a single woman may have a succession of lovers, which also means they have many sexual partners, but by no means can they be called swingers. Married men and women who have a series of secret affairs may have many sexual partners, but they are not swingers. An exchange of hot letters, pictures, or videos with others, while exciting and titillating, cannot by any stretch of the imagination be called swinging. Beyond that limitation, which precludes any real live contact, we don’t see any other limitation. The funny thing is that, no matter which phase a couple involves themselves in this lifestyle, they become very intolerant of people in other phases of the lifestyle. You may hear someone say, “What we do is swinging. What they do is not!” But we believe that the real key is not so much what you do, or how you do it, but rather that, as a couple, you have been willing to stretch yourself from the norm of the monogamous conjugal bed. The problem that each couple must deal with is not so much what swinging is, but how to define exactly what they want in swinging for themselves. What are they willing to do and how far they are willing to go in finding others who share the same interests? Most bad experiences in the lifestyle are a result of a couple getting together with a person or persons whose expectations are totally out of line with theirs as a couple, or with one of them as an individual. Let us try to define these basic levels of involvement as we have observed them over the fourteen years of participating in the couples network. Level One - sharing without touching As we observe the various wants of couples, the first level of swinging that we find involves sharing without touching. This can involve two or more couples masturbating nude in front of triple-X videos and when everyone is turned on, having wild sex with their own partners in front of the others. All of the visual and audio thrills are there, but no physical contact takes place with the others. Husband-wife, or boyfriend-girlfriend sex in the same room with others can happen in the group room of a swing club or in a bedroom during a private date with another couple. All of the excitement, moans and pleasures exist, but it all stops short of touching the other couple. Level two - stopping short of sex This is where couples are reaching out and touching others in the same room, but not having sex with them, still confining any real form of sex with the primary mate. This is done by two couples having sex each with their own partners, but positioned closely enough together so they can reach over and touch the others, perhaps even kissing is OK with everyone. It also happens in a hot tub environment, or even moving around a room kissing and playing, flirting and touching. But when it’s time for oral sex or penetration sex, all go back to their primary partners. Level three - stopping short of penetration The “everything short of penetration” phase is where the couples will play with each other, perform oral sex on one another or masturbate each other, but they will not totally swap at the penetration level. They will return to their own mate for completion. Level four - threesomes Normally the threesome phase doesn’t last too long because one of the members of the couple is being short-changed in the fun department. But for a while it works. Many times it solves a jealousy problem. For example, he can handle her being with another man as long as he is there to share, but she is not ready to deal with him being with another woman. Or vice versa. Almost always full penetration sex is involved in threesomes. Level five - private dates The fifth level is reached when couples start meeting other couples through magazines or the internet and having dates involving full swapping sexual activities. They may only have one other couple with whom they swap or they may graduate rapidly to having different couples for different weekends. Many couples start out at this level. . Level six - multiple partners Level six is the house party or club scene where, on a full swapping basis, couples will have multiple partners in one evening, or perhaps all at one time in a group room situation. The numbers at a private party can be as small as three or four couples, and run up to fifty couples at a large house party. Typically there are somewhere between fifteen and twenty-five couples at a private party. Commercial clubs which allow anyone to enter who pays a token “membership” fee at the door, can have hundreds of couples and singles in the bar/lounge side of the club, but much fewer going behind the security doors into the on-premise section where sex takes place, if there is an on-premise section. Active involvement at any of the above levels could be called “swinging”. Let us point out, however, that we have had people tell us that they were swingers just because they had visited a swing club and watched or just talked to people. To be a swinger still requires some level of participation among other people, even if it is only with each other in the same room with others. It is like going to a nudist resort and not taking your clothes off, and calling yourself a nudist just because you were there. From level six we start to move into the more elevated areas of sacred sex and Tantra, or on the other end of the spectrum into the areas of bondage, discipline, sadomasochism, golden showers, fetishes and the playing out of other forms of sexual fantasies which are outside of what we consider normal. We don’t condemn any of these areas of sexual play. Each of them have support groups when done with care. So long as the activity is sexual, pleasurable, between a variety of consenting adults and free of coercion, whether we choose to do it or not, we believe it is one of the many faces of swinging because sex is pleasure. When the goal is pain or fear it no longer can fall into the realm of pleasurable sexual exchange. At that point of the spectrum, we would no longer call it swinging. Regardless of the many levels, the reality is that a couple will begin the swinging lifestyle experience at almost any level. A couple is just as likely to start at the level six multiple partner club level as they are to begin at level one. Some couples who begin at level one or level two, may never leave that level, being completely satisfied with what they find at that point. Some will progress from stage to stage as they become more comfortable with themselves. The important thing to remember is that, regardless of their level of participation, they all consider themselves swingers. And that is proper. They just might not be your level of swinger. So, when you next meet a couple who say they are swingers, you had better find out which of the many faces of swinging they wear. They may not do what you do, or vice versa. Don’t condemn them. They are every bit as much real swingers as you are. They just wear a different face. Chapter 4 The Three Paths of Swinging To many of the uninitiated into the swinging lifestyle, the vision held of swingers is that of a massive pile of naked bodies involved in some orgiastic, non-stop sex rite. And for a few thousand out of the several million swinging couples around the United States and Canada, this is indeed the preferred style of swinging. But the methods, the interests, the desires and the concepts by which couples enjoy the lifestyle are so widely diversified that even when you meet another swinging couple, the probabilities are rather low that their concept of swinging is the same as yours. Regardless of how anyone may want to deny it, swinging is a couples sport. First of all, swinging involves sex between people of the opposite sex, with a bit of bisexual activity, primarily female, thrown in. We are talking about heterosexuals now, not the gay community. In order for sex to take place among heterosexuals, there must be a woman involved. The surveys that have been done in the past consistently show that only about three percent of all the people involved in swinging are unattached single females. Those numbers are further validated by the ads in swing magazines. When you eliminate the ads from women looking for "generous men" (prostitutes) and those selling their nude pictures or panties, you have less than three percent single unattached women among advertisers. With the advent of computer chat rooms, the number of single women who are posting sexual ads are increasing, but they are seeking single erotic liaisons, not the lifestyle of sexual sharing with multiple partners. If you interview owners of adult book stores on who buys swing magazines, the number of women purchasers drops into the one percent range. So the reality is, whether it is fair or not, in order to have any women at all in swinging it requires a couple where the man is willing to share his consenting lover or wife with others. The second reality is that, even though at the beginning the idea of seeing his wife with some other man or many men might have been a turn-on, for most men that gets old fast. So the couple soon starts seeking other couples so they both can have fun. No more singles for them. And we are talking about 92% of all people who belong to swing clubs who participate in these surveys. So we have to get down to a basic revised definition of the word "swinger". Swingers are couples who have many sexual partners as couples, primarily with other couples. With this definition in mind, we can now move on to explain the three different paths that couples take to reach their goals: personal sex, impersonal sex and recreational sex. All three approaches are valid in the swinging lifestyle. Personal sex Personal sex is what the parties in a couple have in their own relationship. It is also what many other couples are looking for by trying to seek out that one other "special" couple. This is the type of relationship that tends to develop between already good friends who, one moonlight night after a few drinks, find themselves sharing the same bed and each other's bodies. We call these couples "closet swingers". Even though it has created most of the serious problems in relationships of couples, the personal sex approach represents the largest of the segment of multiple partner couple activity in the United States. Estimated by some professionals in the field, there could be as many as ten million couples involved in these extended personal relationships who don’t even know they are swingers and would resent anyone even suggesting the idea. These two-couple relationships develop a level of personal, emotionally charged sex as intense for the swapping couple as between the committed couple. It contains all of the elements of an extended family. It is the tightest of “best friend” relationships because, not only do they share their weekends, vacations and other special times with each other, they have the additional glue of sexual intimacy in that relationship. Generally the relationship among members of the group is extremely warm, personal, loving and tender. But it also creates jealousy and other emotional problems that normally only exist between members of a single couple. Obviously it is high risk for the relationship of either couple. Conditions are ripe for a husband to fall in love with the other wife, or vice versa. As club leaders, we have seen too many of these highly charged personal interrelationships result in divorces. For many people they work, for many they don’t. But we have to remember that, for an awful lot of people, sex is a highly personal thing and they feel they cannot indulge in it without the justification of emotional attachment or love. That then makes what they are doing, OK. In short, it is a justification. Impersonal sex This is the kind of activity you have seen portrayed in the orgy scenes in the adult films. This is by far the smallest segment of the world of swinging. I doubt if there are more than 100,000 couples in the entire country actively involved with this format. It has to do with couples who want to have sexual variety experiences without preliminaries or even necessarily knowing the names of the people. This is the mode of the couples who are only interested in the physical aspects of sexual variety, and in essence they prefer to keep their entire social life separate from their swinging life. From a relationship standpoint, this is probably the least threatening of all the modes of swinging. This is what made the big clubs like Plato's Retreat in New York famous, and now Plato’s Repeat in Florida. It is pure, raw, uninhibited sex. A lady could get on her knees in one of these large group rooms and have five men in a row penetrate her and never even see their faces. This is also a factor in some of the swingers type meeting lounges that permit single men. A husband, rather than have a wife he can't satisfy sexually cheat on him, will provide her with men under his watchful eye. We have seen it. A typical instance took place at a swingers lounge one early evening where there were about twenty single men at the bar. A couple came in. We watched the wife stand and look over the men and then whisper in her husband's ear. The husband then went to the bar and asked several of them, "Would you like to come with my wife and me?" They didn't care to know who those men were. They were just instruments of satisfaction for his wife. Recreational sex This best represents the space of most of the couples in our club. It combines some of the elements of both personal and impersonal swinging. On the one hand, getting to know the other person or couple is important. Wanting some individual and personal focus is part of the sexual fulfillment. However, getting really personally close to a couple is not what these couples are looking for. They are seeking a happy middle ground between the stickiness of the personal approach and the crudity of the impersonal approach. Recreational sex is the second largest segment of the swinging community, with perhaps a million couples across the country involved. It is a recreation that a couple shares together. Their own relationship always comes first, so they only are involved with other couples who have solid relationships. They recognize that variety has safety in numbers, but they also desire the friendships that grow out of intimacy in a way the non-swinging world has a difficult time comprehending. There is a great deal of socializing among couples involved in recreational sex. They want to know who and what their prospective sex partners are. And while they may have multiple partners in an evening at a swing party or party house, they know each person with whom they share themselves. They want to be treated as people, not just bodies, and they treat their swing partners the same way. They have great friendships without becoming overly involved with one couple. They know they are going to arrive at the swing location together, leave together and sleep together. In between, for two or more hours, they will have a variety of sex partners. It's like a group of couples whose recreation is bowling. The only difference is, theirs is sex. At a party, they will repeat the process several times, but with each encounter they will give respect to the individuals behind the bodies and be sensitive to their space and needs. Recreational sex is enjoying a variety of human beings and their accompanying sensuality The excitement of recreational sex (swinging) is in the constant meeting and getting to know new couples. That helps keep the couples they already know, exciting, because they have sex with them once in awhile instead of all the time. In our estimation this approach is a good attempt at balancing the two extremes of personal and impersonal sex. As part of our definition of what swinging is, these three categories are important to remember so that you can better identify the type of personalities you are meeting. It is important to screen new couples you meet, ask them questions and tell them about yourselves, to find out what category they fall into. If they are new, they will need help defining their own place in swinging. They will have no idea that there are different approaches to swinging and will see it only through their own eyes, desires and wishes. When meeting couples, you not only have to ascertain whether they are really swingers, but you also need to know if what they consider swinging is the same as your approach to the lifestyle. There are tremendous variations. When meeting through magazine ads or computer bulletin boards, you can tell from the written word just where the responders are coming from. Those into impersonal sex will describe their sexual tastes but nothing about themselves or their outside interests. They are not looking for new friends, just new partners for raw sex. When you meet with that couple, they might be able to handle ten minutes of conversation, but they really want to go off to the bedroom. They have no interest in making an investment of time or energy getting to know you or you them. This is not an indictment of those into impersonal sex. It is, in fact, a very significant facet of the lifestyle. But if you desire to know people first before going to bed, and the couple you are meeting is into just jumping into bed, or perhaps vice versa, you are going to have a miserable evening. In all three major categories, personal sex, impersonal sex and recreational sex, recognize that some couples only want to swing together as a threesome or foursome. Others prefer private, separate-room, one-on-one swinging. Some are into bisexual activity, though this is a minority. Some like mild or heavy bondage. Some like mutual masturbation. And in some couples, only the wife swings while the husband watches, or vice versa. There are many varieties. The two most important things to remember are (1) all of them are OK. They fulfill the needs of those who want their swinging experiences to fit their chosen mode; and (2) to recognize that just because a couple says they swing does not mean their definition of swinging experiences is the same as yours. Screen them first. The bottom line is that your swinging experiences can be absolutely wonderful with people who share your space. And awful with those who don’t. Those who don’t share your space are not weird. In fact, they may think that you are the weird ones. Swinging is not a homogenous lifestyle, it is a multi-faceted, varied lifestyle. There is room for everyone in it. It isn’t always ea sy, but if you make the effort to find those who share your space, swinging will become one of the most fulfilling and satisfying experiences of your life. Chapter 5 How did swinging get started? Swingers are still a small minority of perhaps 3,000,000 people on the inside, to 15,000,000 people on the outside, in a population of over 270,000,000 people in the United States. Yet in the past forty years or so we have developed into one of the fastest growing minorities around, even though the modern format of swinging did not even exist fifty years ago. It is true that two-couple wife swapping has been a closet sport from time immemorial, and various periods of history have recorded the existence of orgiastic activity among the aristocracy and very rich. But by and large, most sexual liaisons were between single individuals, whether they were married to someone else or not, and other single individuals. Most sociologists who have studied the swing scene agree that the inception of modern-day swinging first started on military bases after World War II in the 1940’s among the young married junior officers and their wives who had left the small towns they were raised in and had a major shift take place in their world perspective. Secret groupings of from eight to twenty couples would engage in wife swapping with a very rigid selection and initiation process. How these couples on base found each other and established their groups is a vague item in these studies. But find each other they did. And as they transferred from military station to military station, the network grew. The big push-off, in terms of expansion of this phase, came in the 1950's with the wide acceptance of the birth control pill and the resultant elimination of pregnancy fear. As these couples in the 1940’s and 1950’s drifted out of the service back to civilian life, they invariably took the idea home with them, and eventually found themselves forming similar wife swapping groups in their neighborhoods. To do this, it involved the seduction of couples in the neighborhood, but they did it anyway. The knowledge that it worked was too spicy to ignore. Being secret in the neighborhoods, it was improbable at that time that a group of couples would know of other groups of couples even five miles away, and they probably thought that theirs was the only group like it in the country. At that point in time, wife swapping was a 100% couples activity with no outreach beyond the neighborhood. There are two things we have to understand relative to this period. First, there were no contact magazines, so it was strictly a neighborhood affair. Second, there were no commercial swinger type clubs, for there was no way to get the word out to a prospective audience. The first clubs evolved from this format. Among a group of couples, perhaps only one had a home large enough to really handle a group of couples both socially and bed space wise. Since they loved to entertain they would say, "OK, it takes money to put on a party, so if you guys will pay your share, we will put on the monthly party." There was always a cocktail party social period where the men and women circulated, flirted and made their contacts for the evening. The party would then move to active sexual activity on the premises of the home. If the house party was in someone's apartment, the couples would split out and one husband would take another wife, and vice versa, back to their own apartments or houses for the actual sexual exchange after the social period. In the 1960’s, with the protest movement evolving from the Vietnam War, a new dimension was added that, by the end of the 1960’s changed the neighborhood wife swapping group format into the format of swinging as we know it today. The underground newspapers came upon the scene. These publications, some local, some regional and one or two national, were unable to generate the normal corporate advertising to pay for their operations. So they developed the personal classified ad into an art where people seeking anything could contact unknown other people of similar interests. Since the primary source of revenue for the underground protest press was personal ads, suddenly there was a medium of outreach available for those couples who wanted to meet other couples for sexual variety. Swinging, as it was first called in the 1960’s, blossomed quietly out of the neighborhoods and began to spread. By 1970 couples swinging was an activity that involved 100,000 couples at the most, nationally. It rapidly grew to tenfold the original number. Singles always were able to meet each other at bars, dances, and other places, to create sexual and personal liaisons. Now, for the first time, couples were able to reach beyond their neighborhoods and seek other couples who wanted to share sexual variety and exploration. As couples would meet other couples, and in turn be introduced to their friends and vice versa, the desire grew to have gatherings of compatible couples who might like each other. The party scene began to evolve. Unofficial clubs developed around compatible groupings, and when the underground papers began to fade away toward the end of the 1960’s along with the protest movement, the vacuum was rapidly filled by new listing services that called themselves “swingers” magazines. This was the beginning of the spread of an idea that might not have otherwise grown, for these magazines, unlike the cause-oriented underground political newspapers, were circulated far and wide. The swingers magazines were “for profit” endeavors. They were business ventures whose owners realized the marketability of contact services. These magazines rapidly found they could not subsist on couples-only ads, the numbers were too small. So they expanded to include singles. Simultaneously, some promoters, such as Plato’s Retreat in New York, founded clubs that in order to be financially successful required the admission of single men who were drawn to these clubs like flies to honey. Thus singles were admitted into what was originally a couples-only recreation. With the help of magazines, swinging organized itself into a lifestyle by the mid-70’s. From 1970 through the early 90’s, prior to the computer bulletin board explosion, hundreds of swinger-related publications and clubs were born and died, as many tried to get on the bandwagon of what appeared to be a rather profitable way to make money. As an industry, however, the publishing of swing magazines and the opening of swing clubs is no different than any other industry. The cream of the crop float to the top and survive, but as with most small businesses, the majority who try, fail, not having the know-how to stay in business. We believe that one of the reasons for the many failures is the lack of understanding by those entering the magazine or club business of who their audience is and of why they do what they do. In short, if you don’t understand why people swing, and what they want, you cannot fill their needs. There are many excellent out-of-print books that were published in the 1960's and early 1970's, primarily done by sociologists or for doctoral theses in sociology, tracing the evolution of swinging as it evolved towards what is today our twenty first century concept of the lifestyle. In the first twenty years of its existence in the modern style, there was no indication of any acceptance of singles into the lifestyle. It was a purely couples activity that initially was called "wife swapping". Since that was a pretty macho term and unacceptable to the women’s liberation movement, it is little wonder that by the end of the 60's a less descriptive, more gender-neutral term evolved: swinging. Chapter 6 Why Do People Swing? Unlike singles, we couples swing because we want sexual variety. We are not looking for sex. We have sex at home in our own relationships. But let us acknowledge that small percentage of couples in swinging in which the husband can’t perform and his wife needs more sex than he can give her. Or in which the wife has a low sex drive and the husband needs more sex than she can give him. For them swinging provides a controlled, supervised environment where the one who needs it can get it under the supervision of the other partner. That is the one area where select singles have a chance in the lifestyle because, for those couples, the alternative is a cheating-type affair behind the partner’s back. But for the rest of us, we swing with other couples because it is an easy, uncomplicated way to find the sexual variety that we want. Plus it is an honorable way to go as we are sharing the activity with the one we love, giving them permission too. There is no need for lies or pretenses. As a couple, we arrive together and leave together. We don’t have emotional trauma or involvement with our sexual partners. We are looking for social friends who, like us, are also looking for sex with friends. We do not want serious lovers. We swing because we find that sex is more fun when it is not anything serious. That is why single men are drawn to swinging. They like the fact that there is no emotional attachment to the rich variety of women to be found in swinging. By swinging with married women, they do not need to fear being snared for marriage. It’s also why the male of a couple does not like single men around. They swarm like flies to his wife without offering anyone in return. There are so few single women in swinging because it is a basic female tendency to link sex with emotional feelings, and swinging does not allow the opportunity to become emotionally involved. Husbands and boyfriends have to work long and hard to whittle away this tendency in their wives and girlfriends so they can finally enjoy the pure, light-hearted sexuality that swinging provides. But it is worth it. We couples who swing find that our relationships grow by leaps and bounds once we are involved in the lifestyle. We find the meaning of the word “trust” because, in swinging, everything is shared with an important other person, something a single cannot do since he has no one to share with. That sharing enhances the bonding in our own relationship. We swing because our own sense of sexuality and sensuality is enhanced. We are no longer dull housewives or stressed-out businessmen. We are wanted, desired people, and that makes us feel good about ourselves and good towards each other, because we are all in it together. We are couples in love, doing it with other couples in love. We take the regenerated sexuality that our swinging partners have ignited back home to our own sexual relationship. We continually regenerate the excitement of our own sex lives at home, rather than see our lives degenerate into routine or dull sex habits. And we communicate. Probably no subject can create more, better and exciting conversation than discussing sexual events that took place and the feelings that were evoked, and by so doing, sharing a vital part of our inner being with the close one at home. A single person cannot do that, since he or she has no one to share with. And once the excitement of talking to each other erupts and starts to flow, it rapidly expands to include all areas of communication between partners. Thus, the relationship becomes more alive as a result of swinging. The bottom line is that we swing because we love our life mate and don’t want to cheat on him or her. Together we create new sexual adventures and learn to love people together. We grow into sexual freedom together. We swing because, as an activity shared with our primary partner, it creates no dangers to our relationship, which having affairs with singles can do. We swing because it is fun and light. And that is why swinging is a 90% couples sport and why it is the fastest-growing lifestyle activity in the United States today. Chapter 7 The Protective Blanket of Couples Swinging There is a rather complex and substantial network of unspoken and unwritten rules and sub-rules that have gone into the creation of couples swinging, and the subtle self-government that effects its law and order is all but invisible to the newcomer into the circle. While we will look at individual rules and sub-rules in later chapters, we want to point out that over all of this activity there is a blanket of protectiveness and security. It could be said that swinging is composed of one man and one woman who have an emotional relationship between them. That is swinging as we who are involved in it know swinging to be. There are equally as many non-couple swingers out there who will object to this definition, but as we proceed here, you will begin to understand why we define it as we do. The single swinging scene is merely an extension of an emotional search that calls into play all of the games that singles engage in before they settle down to a responsible commitment with another person There is a theory abroad that any relationship that includes extramarital sex activities is seriously threatened. This theory, unfortunately, has been proven correct wherever the fabrication of lies, deceit and personal head trips have been involved. A relationship, just like the proverbial house, once divided against itself must eventually fall. Extramarital sex in the swinging scene, however, involves a reversal of this theory, for extramarital sex among swingers is not only no threat at all but it actually enhances a couple's relationship. As swingers, each of us has had to work through the sticky, mud-clinging mores of society built from centuries of dogma in regards to sex, but each of us has emerged freer than we've ever been before. Freedom within the confines of a committed relationship is a relatively new concept, and it has taken awhile for us to grow into it. But we have gradually achieved a newfound acceptance and respect for ourselves and our sexuality. We have learned that sexuality is a normal and vital part of our world and our existence. Further, we have found, as individuals, that the sexual act with others who are free like ourselves, creates excitement and pleasure that brings life alive and out of the dullness of habitual sex. We find a level of openness in being around people with whom we have made love. We find it refreshing because all of the normal restraints of other people's hang-ups and fears have been removed inside of this protective circle of swinging friends. And we can trust each other. What is it that allows us to remove these taboos so that we can actually fulfill our sexual fantasies and gratify our sexual appetites without breaking up our relationships? We need to look deep and listen well to understand the subtle rules of couples swinging, for they are just as important to be followed as the rules of any other social strata. First and foremost, swinging is a shared experience. The parties in a couple who are involved in swinging never go it alone behind each other's backs. This unwritten rule accomplishes two important psychological needs: First, each individual knows what the other is doing, which provides a sense of security within the relationship. The dangers of deception are removed when the wife and the husband mutually agree, upon entering the swinging scene, to only have sex when the other is present in the general vicinity. The second need is the psychological need for outside stimulation. The excitement of an extramarital sex experience, whether it is in the same room or a separate one, creates a turn-on for the couple that can be carried back home later. Their sex life is re-stimulated and comes alive in a way that could never be done alone, once the newness is gone. Variety is the spice of life that keeps the juices from stagnating. Those who engage in extramarital activities secretly, often called “affairs” or “cheating”, are always involved in head trips with themselves and the other person, replete with promises, emotional involvements, and the inevitable fabrication of lies for the one who waits at home. The fact is, sex itself is not the cause of the trauma, as we in swinging so well know. It is the lying and the undercover, heady involvement with another person, with its excitement of a secret liaison and subsequent conquest, that creates the eventual trauma. The swinging environment is a protective environment. Protective of the relationship of each couple participating in the swinging scene, complete with punishment for the violator. He or she who violates this protective shield and breaks the rules will not last long in swinging circles. To understand the whys of this, let us look a little deeper into the nuances that exist in the swinger’s makeup. Once a couple enters the swinging scene, they have accepted that sex is no longer a threat to their relationship. They drop their defenses and adopt an attitude of freedom, freedom in which to enjoy themselves sexually and socially with like-minded people. Swingers have created their freedom through an elaborate system of ground rules, albeit unspoken and unwritten, that help eliminate fear, worry and apprehension. As a result, they are less vulnerable to deception, and deceivers do not last, once exposed. The protective blanket at a two-couple level Let me illustrate how this works through a make-believe alliance with another couple. Let's call them Mike and Sissy. We have been corresponding with Mike and Sissy and we are ready to set up a date for an evening of getting to know one another, with the express intent of topping it off with sexual interchange. What are the basic ground rules? Until we are ready to split out and go into separate bedrooms to swing, which is how we like to do it, we always stay together as four to establish a connection as couples first. We are not four singles coming together but two couples. If I want to communicate with Sissy on any level, I do it openly in front of my wife. Nancy is free to listen and join in at any time, as is Mike. If Sissy and I decide to hug and kiss and become more intimate, we do it in front of them. We do not separate out until a mutually agreed upon time for intimacy, which could take place right in the living room if it were spontaneous. So long as it is open, with nothing to hide or make it special, it is OK. The reason for this is simple: we don't want any love affairs occurring behind our backs. If Nancy has a viding affair going on with Mike away from the surface of open socializing, I am instantly fearful without knowing why. Jealousy will poke and prod my peace of mind. Instinct will warn me. Splitting out emotionally always causes problems because it is a crack in the foundation of the relationship itself. Affairs break up marriages because of psychological involvement, not because of sex. Sex without involvement has no traumas, whereas involvement is dangerous, with or without sex. Such a situation is precluded when my wife and I swing with only one couple at a time because we stay together until it is time to go into the bedroom and engage in the sexual acts. But the party scene is a little different. There are more people involved, which leads to another major but unspoken rule. The protective blanket at a party There are three basic reasons for a swinging party. First, to have a variety of sex partners. Second, to meet new people. And third, to participate in group sex. And if you are not prepared for multiple sex partners, don't go to a swinging party. If you only like to have sex once in an evening, stick to one-couple encounters. A party is multi-sex. A person who sits around talking, no matter how discreetly, disrupts the vital flow of the party. It would be unhealthy for Mike to agree to "try" the party scene if he has not committed himself to swinging, at least for that particular night. He might think to himself, "Well, I'll see who's there and decide later if I want to do something." If Mike’s attitude is such, not only could he be placed in an uncomfortable position, but so could the women of the party. They will feel that he is looking them over. If Mike ties up a woman in discreet conversation whom he doesn’t totally intend to have sex with, he will create a double problem for her. First, she has every reason to believe that by talking with her he is engaged in the preliminaries of going to bed with her and she will be disappointed and confused if this does not happen after a certain period of time has passed. Second, no other man will cut in on a woman who is preoccupied with another man and she is precluded from going to bed with anyone else. In spite of the woman’s liberated ways, a woman is still quite feminine in the party scene, and will respond to the lead of the man. This leads us to examine another unwritten rule that plays a large part in the ways of the swinging world: the herding instinct. Although no one has ever defined it before, evident at every swinging party is the herding instinct. What is this herding instinct? Men can be seen more often than not, remaining on their feet after they come out of a bedroom, circulating, drinking, eating, talking, resting their spent bodies. This is the in-between stage before making the next selection, at which time they will move in and sit down next to the woman of choice. If he is accepted by the second woman (for he may be turned down which is OK under the rules of the game) they touch and begin the preliminary phase of the swinger’s courting ritual, which will culminate in a mutual agreement to get up and search for a love nest in a corner of a room. It goes without saying, of course, that if a man wants to rest and carry on casual conversation he certainly is free to do so. These are not hard, fast rules we are following but rather a way of life that has evolved through trial and error. What is important here to note is that the herding instinct of the male swinger defines the unwritten rule that follows, through the powerful undercurrents of behavior and tradition, and if one steps out of line with tradition one becomes a violator. The rule is this: don’t isolate a woman for love-talk unless you have explicit intentions. These people are not here to play complicated mind games. New age psychologists call it “mind-fucking”. No matter how many sexual encounters Nancy has in one evening, I feel secure in my relationship so long as mind-fucking does not happen. Implicit sex is the purpose for swinging and the reason why a couple attends a swinging party in the first place. It is part of the group activity which allows a person to feel safe and secure. There is no personal threat. Each of us is aware of our mate at all times, whether it is conscious awareness or sub-conscious. A basic and natural instinct is in full operation at a swinging party due to the fact that there is a large amount of mutual sharing going on. This instinct comes into play to insure that the group survives and that all members are protected. If someone in the circle isolates a spouse in a corner for intentions other than swinging, i.e., getting to know them through hypnotic eye contact and other psychic means designed to create magnetism and attraction, others will become aware of it. The result is no longer a light and happy sex-filled atmosphere. It becomes dark, ominous and threatening. The protective blanket that surrounds swingers precludes private visits. Couples swinging involves couples meeting openly together, not privately, one on one. Any time one of the parties tries to visit another person’s spouse alone, the roadway of deception is being paved. A couple will not last long in the happy swingers’ circle if one tries to separate an individual out from the security of his relationship by attacking the bonds that hold the relationship together. Fear and suspicion will be generated in the minds of both mates. To sum it all up, swinging provides a protective blanket for individuals who are happy and secure as a couple. This philosophy is built upon a simple axiom: I don’t care how many people get into my wife’s body if that is what she wants to do, so long as they don’t get into her mind. The vibes that make a relationship work involve the psyche, not the body. The vibes that make swinging work involve the body, not the psych. Swinging survives and grows as a movement because this is clearly delineated within the group as a whole, and accepted by all who participate. Chapter 8 Threesomes There is a reason why we constantly refer to couples. One 1985 survey showed that 93% of all of the swingers in the United States were couples. The reasons are pretty obvious if you think about them. To make a swinging encounter happen, a woman must be involved. Since single women can have all of the sexual variety they want outside of swinging, they are not found in the swinging lifestyle. Those single women who are in the lifestyle are primarily on the lesbian side of bisexual. So, the only other women available are those who are married and have a husband who wants to swing, or a boyfriend. In other words, a couple. Many couples start off in the swinging lifestyle engaging in threesomes, but that usually does not last long. If both parties in the couple enjoy bringing in a third party, it can be pleasurable and fun for awhile, but history has proven that if the same person is brought in over and over again, the relationship starts being in trouble. If the threesome is composed of two women and the husband, and the women are enjoying each other bisexually, it is possible that the poor fellow, after having his fun watching his wife with another woman, finds that the visiting lady wants little or nothing to do with him. In fact, she could very well be more lesbian than bi. And, of course, if the wife does not enjoy the other woman, the threesome activity also will not last long. If she continues to go along with it to please her husband, at first being an active participant but then beginning to hang back. At that point she will develop jealousy seeing her husband and the other woman continually enjoying each other. Arguments within the relationship may develop, her tolerance wears thin, and the insensitive husband, being happy with his now two women, can’t understand what is wrong. While both the husband and the other woman may say that they want the wife to be included, she will feel left out and there is no talking her back into it. If the situation has reached this point, it would be disastrous to the relationship for them to continue with the threesome. The same thing occurs when there is a threesome composed of two men and the wife. While it is not totally impossible for a triad to continue happily for months with a single man as long as he goes home afterwards, it is extremely rare. In most cases the husband, after being actively involved in the encounter, begins to be bored with it and soon finds that his role is more as a voyeur instead of a participant. He is odd man out and eventually that gets old. His patience wears thin and jealousy or insecurity begins to arise. A relationship is composed of two people, not three, and when a third party is brought in, it is a disruptive force. Those who define themselves as polyamorous claim they have multiple love relationships with a number of different people. But in reality, we have not met one polyamorous situation where there were not underlying problems of conflicting emotional attachments. Recreational swinging is lighter, safer and more fun because we have only one primary partner to consider. In a committed relationship of two there is a partnership and an understanding between the two of them. Each takes priority in the other’s eyes. They have an agreement between them about what can be done and what can’t be done within the parameters of their agreement. And they stick to it. When a third party or two other people are brought into the relationship on a continual basis, trying to extend the emotional bond to include these extra people is difficult. Insecurity begins and the struggle for control or power is inevitable. In couples swinging we do not try to extend the same level of emotional bond that we have with our primary partners. It is recreational, and it works very well as long as the primary couples remember where home is. Couples all over the world have found that it is safer to enjoy sex in a light-hearted, recreational way with other couples for short periods of time, in a non-emotional way and diminish their involvement with singles. It is the formula for having the best of both worlds. It is a stable answer to their needs for extra-marital sex without endangering the relationship. Couples swinging is real. It works and it’s safe. Part 2 Understanding the swing club scene Chapter 9 About Clubs in General How to meet other people who are personally and sexually compatible is the number one concern of all couples thinking about expanding into sexual sharing. In today’s swinging movement, clubs provide the best avenue of meeting real compatible people who share your same desires. Even better than contact publications and on-line services, the swingers’ meeting places work the best because you can meet people face to face. As a club, people call us every week and ask us if we could please put them in touch with someone, either another couple they met at one of our parties, or any other couple they might like. “You know the kind of people we like,” they say. “Just give them our phone number.” And of course, we don’t do that. No club owner does. And the reason for that is we don’t know what or who they would like. How would we know that? That would put us into the contact services business, and that is not the reason for a club’s existence. Clubs exist to provide a safe place where couples can gather and meet one another on their own, based on natural attraction. Every couple must put forth their own efforts in this direction. No one else can do it for them. And it is critical to meet the right people to have a joyful experience. Otherwise swinging will be a social disaster. If you can meet people with whom the rapport is right, you will find swinging to be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. If you find yourselves with people whose space and attitudes differ substantially from yours, you will begin to wonder whether swinging is really for you. A club is a place where other people go just like you, for the same reasons that you do: to meet people just like you. When you attend a club you can actually see people, talk to them and deal with them on a multiple-choice basis for selection of potential swing partners. How better to meet other couples (or singles if that is what you are looking for) than to meet them face to face and talk to them to see if they share your interests? The disadvantage is that a party atmosphere can create pressures and possible negative reactions, especially for new couples to the swing scene, and you must realize that a given club is not necessarily right for everybody, but a club is where you go to meet people. You do not expect to find potential swingers in the super market, at the college you attend or at work. Each club is different in policies, attitudes, membership requirements and activities. In selecting a club, understand that there are vast differences in substance and style of each one, and these differences are not always defined in print. You will have to visit them to try them out for yourselves. The reality is that the gamut is huge. In many areas of the country there is only one club within hundreds of miles, so people have little choice in those areas. They either go to the one that exists, or use the on-line services on the Internet or go the slow route of answering letters in contact magazines. What is important is that you as a couple become aware of what choices there are for you, what types of clubs and the characteristics of each type. Learn to ask the right questions when you make contact with a club in your area. You want to make sure you will be going into an atmosphere that fulfills your needs and desires, instead of being caught off guard and uncomfortable. To find a club that would best fulfill your wants and needs, study the on-line listings of swingers clubs, or buy a swingers publication that carries club listings about such organizations. Evaluate them. Some magazines and on-line services do a much more thorough job than others by describing the activities of the club, whether it is on-premise or off-premise. Others simply provide a name and address and you have to contact them to find out anything more. Don't be disappointed if you try to reach a club and they are no longer there. Many clubs open and close in any one year. A few stay and grow over the years which means their formula was right for the audience they were trying to attract. It is difficult for a listing service to stay totally current on which clubs have closed because the operators don't always write and ask to be removed from the listing. On-line services are updated more quickly, but that is not always guaranteed 100% either. Before selecting a club, get together with your spouse, if you are a couple, and decide exactly what it is you are looking for. Make your list of what it is you are looking for and then examine the club descriptions to find the one that best fulfills your goals. Below is an explanation of the various types of clubs. The primary concern must be the structure. If you are a couple, there are couples-only clubs, and there are those that admit singles. Are you looking for a sexual encounter the first night? Or are you interested only in socializing on your first visit? If you are looking for couples to meet for friendship and recreational sex, then you want a couples-only club. If you are looking for a single man to join you in a threesome, then you want a club that admits singles. Don't kid yourself. Know what you want, or you won't pick a proper club. In the next three chapters we will look at the types of clubs that are available in the United States and Canada today. Chapter 10 On-Premise Clubs On-premise clubs can be divided into two primary classifications: the commercial establishment and the party house. The commercial establishment generally is located in a business district of a city which will permit anybody to enter who pays at the door. The party house is somebody’s home. On-premise commercial establishments The commercial establishments exist exclusively for the purpose of swinging and may be open many nights a week with Saturdays having the peak attendance. The mats are constantly out. There is usually a large-screen movie, hot tub, group-room facilities, a bar and dance floor. It does not house any other kind of business. It’s purpose is sex. The prototype for the commercial establishment was the famous Plato’s Retreat in New York, which is now closed, but there is a Plato’s Repeat in Miami by the same owners and run in the same style. They have a high overhead and therefore must charge high prices. There is no screening of people who come in except by their ability to pay, and on most days of the week singles are permitted out of economic necessity. The commercial on-premise clubs are generally quite impersonal even though the facilities may be nice. The atmosphere is more orgiastic than intimate. First-time couples receive very little in the way of help to aid them in becoming comfortable with the lifestyle. You simply pay at the door and go in. It is impossible at a commercial club for everybody to know everybody else because the paying guests come and go at all hours, and so introductions are not even attempted. You may pass naked strangers in the halls and social areas. In most of these establishments, membership fees are really cover charges, and run into the $100-plus per year range with a per-entry door fee on top of that. The owners may or may not be swingers themselves. They could be in it for the money. The term "on-premise" means that sexual encounters occur right there on the premises of the club’s facilities. In contrast, “off-premise” means that they do not have facilities for sex on the premises, and you must go somewhere else off of the premises for your sexual encounters. At an on-premise club if you meet a couple in the social area who turns you on, you can do something about it right on the spot and even have multiple partner encounters without leaving the room, or even knowing the people. But at an off-premise club the game changes somewhat. The parties understand that nothing is going to happen immediately, and that further arrangements must be made if the evening is going to culminate in a sexual encounter. Commercial clubs are generally housed in commercial buildings modified for the purpose, or large houses that are used strictly for parties. From the first day of opening they have to deal with a substantial overhead and cash flow problems. Many of them call themselves "clubs" and charge membership fees for legal and financial purposes, but in virtually all cases they are not clubs. A real club has membership criteria and the general public cannot be admitted. The on-premise commercial establishment needs volume to cover its overhead, and lots of it. Because it is easy money, on most days of the week they will admit singles. Purported couples on couples night might even be a man and a paid prostitute. So long as they are one male and one female they will be allowed in. There are many metropolitan areas in the country where these types of clubs are the only meeting places available for swingers. They are not bad per se, but they do create a need for a greater level of caution and screening by the individual couple who visits them. And for those who learn the right questions to ask, delightful new friends and contacts can be made. On-premise party house clubs There are not many of this type of club scattered around the country. We administer one of these party houses. The couples-only party house generally functions out of a private home. Therefore it is usually a labor of love and not a commercial club. The reason for this is that if you are going to permit people to come into your home, as opposed to a commercial business, you want to know who they are, their attitudes and expectations. We only permit committed couples, and each couple is carefully screened before they can become a member. You cannot buy your way into most of the good party houses in the country. Like us, they are protective of their member couples and their relationships, and don't want them exposed to drunks or pushy people, or those with jealousy problems or sexual deviates. The hosts of the party house are generally active swingers themselves, or they wouldn’t open up their homes for this kind of activity. Overhead is rather low, because the parties are merely an extra to the cost of living there. Because it is a home first, parties are limited to weekends. Also, since it is their home, hosts are far more prone to carefully screen the people who are allowed in. In most party houses, the atmosphere is warm and personal. Most are run like private parties but with a door fee, and annual membership dues. Few allow singles. Those that do generally do not last long. A party house has appeal to many couples who want an atmosphere of controlled behavior and protection. You have the sexual opportunities of a commercial club, plus the social elements of the off-premise club. You can make some wonderful contacts through magazines and on-line services, but you cannot see how old they are or what they look like. At a club you meet people in person. You see how they act in the presence of each other. You won’t encounter the level of disappointments that often happen when setting up dates through correspondence, on-line chat rooms or telephone conversations, where people misrepresent who they are, their age, appearance or other attributes. At a swing club, what you see is what you get. People cannot misrepresent what they are. You can explore their personalities. You can test your attraction or lack thereof, with each couple you meet. If there is no spark, there are other couples on hand to meet. Our parties are as much social as sexual and virtually nobody leaves without the phone number of at least one new couple with whom they plan a private get-together. There are rooms for those who want one-on-one lovemaking sessions, threesomes, foursomes, or group sessions. But no pressure is permitted. What we call “The Rule of No” is enforced at our club. A woman as well as a man is encouraged to make her or his own choices, and those choices are respected. But since space is generally limited, a party house requires reservations, closes its doors at a specified hour, and as a home cannot accept rowdy behavior. The party house club grows out of private parties. Probably the most enjoyable level of swinging experience available anywhere is the private house party with compatible friends. However, if you are the one hosting the parties most of the time, there is a practical side to the equation. One day there comes the time when you look around your group of 20 or 30 couples, all of whom you have had over as guests to one of your parties, and you realize that you are giving more parties than anyone else, perhaps because you have the more adequate house and no children left at home, or perhaps you simply give a better party than the others. When you realize you are the only one giving the parties and you have done all of the planning and preparation, after your joyful guests have left, you start counting up the time and money you spent on the laundry, food and cleanup, you start to feel a little used. Then you realize that your air conditioning bill has doubled and those extra towels and glasses that you have been replacing have become obvious, and the extra chemicals to clean your hot tub and pool and you say, Whoa! That is what happened to us nine years ago. We called our group of friends together and said, "We have no problem giving the parties every month, but someone has to cover the costs." That was when we graduated from a private house party to a closed membership party house. We started our seminars for new and hesitant couples as a screening method, and created a club where new couples could join only if they completed our seminar and proved to us they could swing with no problems. We ask membership dues of $30 a year, plus party fees of $35. All of the pleasant aspects of our private parties remain, but our group has grown to 200 couples from the original 20. We also have eight parties a month instead of just one. The atmosphere is still protective of relationships and the right of choice. We are what you would probably call a hard-core swing club, as we do not offer membership to any couples where both have not proven they can actually swap on a full penetration level. There are party houses around the country who require screening of the couples but do not require them to actually be swingers. The theory of that being, of course, that hopefully if a couple is exposed long enough, eventually they will succumb to the temptation. Then there are the party houses that are opened because someone believes that they can make a lot of money having parties at their home. These basically have no screening and any couple with sexual curiosity will be admitted. This type of club, even though it is held in a private home, could be defined as a commercial club because of the emphasis on money and lack of screening. Chapter 11 Off-Premise Clubs The off-premise clubs also take two forms: the swingers lounge and the hotel social. These clubs exist for socializing purposes and hopefully meeting a couple to get together with later that night or at a future date, which entails an added expense of a motel or driving time to someone else's home for the sexual interchange. Even larger parties can be arranged at off-premises clubs if there is a couple who desires to host one either after club hours or on another night. The principal advantage of the off-premise club or social is that you have more time to get to know the people you are talking to, without the immediate pressure of going to the swinging areas. Or you can even back off altogether and find someone else to talk to. The principal advantage of the on-premise club is that if you are ready for it, sex opportunities are there in any form you want it, right now, without the inconvenience of having to make arrangements of where to go, and the extra motel costs if a home is not located conveniently nearby. Off-premise swingers lounge The swingers lounge looks like any bar or lounge that you would attend anywhere, except that it has been promoted and advertised as a swingers meeting place. Drinks are served on a cash bar basis, or it may be a bottle club where patrons bring their own bottles. There may be either a disk jockey or piped in music for dancing, and there may be special events to create sexual tease and excitement. Almost without exception, these establishments permit both couples and singles to attend. There is little or no screening, although there is a growing consciousness to attempt to put controls on and make them more legitimate clubs. In the past, you just paid your money, and you were in the door. There is no sex on the premises, but suggestive dancing and semi-nudity on special-event nights may occur, although nudity is becoming legally more risky where alcohol is served, and local authorities keep close watch on them. Usually very little planned effort exists in these clubs to help new couples mix and mingle, or to protect them from the more aggressive people. Off-Premise Hotel Socials Hotel socials are a dance held at a hotel ballroom, generally starting no later than 9 p.m. There is a registration desk where you check in upon arrival, and reservations are made ahead of time so they know who is coming. Membership is always required. Usually, there is a screening session or lifestyle rap session in the afternoon preceding the dance to explain the protocol. The attendance is limited to couples and, in some clubs, a few selected singles. Drinks are usually served on a cash bar basis, and there is always a disk jockey to interact with the audience and stimulate mixing and mingling. It often has planned themes fitting the season of the year with costumes, or a sexually-oriented event such as a wet T-shirt contest, men’s best buns contest, leather and lace night and other sexual innuendo events to create excitement. In some parts of the country, swingers dance socials are held in fraternal or veterans’ halls. In most cases, these are true clubs. The operators are not in the bar business, or in it for profit. Their efforts are usually one of love and commitment to the lifestyle. They provide activities and personal leadership to help their members mingle and get to know each other. They deal with the individual problems and concerns of their members. They put a lot of effort into helping new couples get settled and integrated into the group, and because they care they are true clubs. Some hotel social groups have crossed over the line somewhat, to become semi on-premises in that they will have the hotel set aside a block of rooms, sometimes a whole floor or more, for their members to rent for the evening. This enables them to pursue their sexual activities more easily right there at the hotel following the dance, and sometimes during the dance. This happens individually. As couples form liaisons on the dance floor, with or without the spouse but with their permission, they might leave for an hour or so and then return to the dance to select another date. Plus after the dance there is usually always a club hospitality suite for socializing, with coffee, sodas and snacks, plus an additional party suite which opens around midnight to 1 a.m. for sexual activity. There are multiple mats and beds available for those members who did not rent their own rooms, and couple activity is hot and heavy until 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning. Chapter 12 The Closed Membership Club Throughout the United States there are perhaps a total of 40 closed membership swing clubs. A closed membership club is one that has put in place a screening and behavior evaluation process that creates the conditions under which a couple can attend its functions. Since none of those 40 or so clubs admit singles, our references will be limited to couples. Virtually all of those clubs have some form of orientation session, from those as complex and structured as our seven-hour seminar, to those who require a one-hour lecture or question and answer period. In most of those clubs the orientation is mandatory as a pre-entry requirement. In some, it is optional. Some clubs require a couple to be recommended by a member couple, sponsored by that couple and have that couple responsible for the new couple's behavior at their first event. That places the orientation in the hands of the sponsoring couple. There are a few clubs where the orientation is a couple-on-couple meeting with the owners of the club, or with a designated leader couple. And then the decision is made whether to invite them to become members or not. The purpose of the screening and the orientation is two-fold. The goal is to create a level playing field for the members where all accept and operate under the same rules of behavior. In a closed membership club, standards of behavior must exist, be explained, and hopefully be understood. In the case of Club Sensitivity we explain the rules of behavior at our seminar, and at the party afterwards a couple has an opportunity to demonstrate that they understand and can play the game comfortably by those rules. On that basis, an invitation to join may be issued or not issued to a couple. A denial of membership could be over behavior that would be acceptable at some other place, but just doesn't fit the mold we have cast for Club Sensitivity. We make an exception to the mandatory orientation rule for an out-of-state couple who belongs to a group who have substantially the same behavior rules as we do. In those cases, they get a briefing by one of the co-host couples and, at the end of their first party, depending on their behavior, they will receive a letter from us either inviting them to return or asking them not to come back, as we did this past Saturday after a pretty bad alcohol-enduced domestic fight. In a sense this may seem like playing God, but somehow standards must be set and maintained in a closed membership club. There are closed membership clubs in the United States that build their standards around age, size or appearance. Our standards are built upon behavior. This then leads to the second half of the membership factor in a closed membership club. There are those couples who seem to sense exactly what it is we want to see in a couple, and perform a wonderful show for us on their first visit or two. They become members, and then revert into something else over time. The man may, as an example, begin to refuse to accept no, and become pushy and demanding. Or the woman, instead of merely being somewhat bisexual and mixing a little girl play in with her boy play, which is acceptable, may become openly lesbian in her attitude and behavior, isolating groups of other women for long periods of time and taking prospective partners away from the men. Or, as a couple they may begin to fight noisily and angrily with each other in the open, putting a damper on the rest of the group. Or display hostilities in other ways. Or in the area of hygiene, about which we are sensitive, we may find a person or couple who does not thoroughly wash up or shower before and after sex. Even after being warned, they remain careless and unclean. Under those conditions, as a closed membership club based on standards, we occasionally have to undo what we have done and inform a member couple, after adequate warnings, that they are no longer welcome to attend our affairs. Some clubs have boards of directors who make these decisions. We don' t. After a seminar we get feedback added to what we have personally seen relative to the behavior and potential of the attendees. After a party where out-of-state guests have been present, we get feedback on their behavior. But only Nancy and I make the final decision as to whether to invite them to return. In the case of deviation from policy by a member, we get all the possible feedback we can, generally give a warning, and then in the end only we determine whether or not to terminate a membership. We feel that the closed membership club is the most personal and intimate, and therefore the safest. But this is not to put down the commercial establishments or the hotel socials. Depending on the quality of leadership and levels of security, these clubs can also provide a good environment for couples to gather in. Chapter 13 Private House Parties Private parties are not clubs. They are simply private parties held in someone’s home and the guest list is by personal invitation. Obviously these are not published in any magazine or on-line service, but they are going on all of the time as might be expected. You have to be on the insiders list, or referred by word of mouth to the hosts by friends. There is a specified arrival period, after which the doors are locked. The social time is generally an hour and a half to two hours long, and afterwards sexual interaction begins and continues until everyone tires. Since these parties take place in someone’s private home, an intimate, caring atmosphere exists. Maximum effort is made to help couples meet others with whom they might be compatible. The private house party has most of the basic elements of any cocktail party you might arrange in your home, if swinging were not involved. First, and most important, is who you are going to invite. This is the point of differentiation between a commercial club or a private encounter through a publication or in the on-line chat rooms. The invitation list is put together based on couples you have actually met and swung with, or perhaps some friends have swung with and recommended to you. In short, your guest list is limited to couples who are known to be swingers and will present no jealousy problems, and you feel sure will be socially and sexually compatible. A totally untested stranger couple is never invited to a private party. One non-compatible couple can ruin any party, but the risk increases many times over at a swingers party. Some homes are big enough to handle 35 to 50 couples, others are small by size or the parties small by the hosts’ choice, with only three or five couples. The average party is somewhere in-between, with 15 or 20 couples, large enough to offer variety of selection but not too large so that you lose the personal intimacy. In many ways the private house party is the most fulfilling of all the available modes of swinging. The limitation, of course, is whether or not you know someone who hosts private parties, and whether or not you can get invited. Those who host private parties are not interested in educating new couples. They find that to be a burden. They simply want to have fun with friends. There are relatively few couples who have a home large enough, and without children or family, who are willing to do the many hours of work necessary to prepare for the party and to clean up afterwards. But there are some. Some couples simply love to entertain, large home or not. In another chapter we will give some hints on how to host your own swingers party. We have found it to be an exciting and enjoyable effort, and one that will bring you many appreciative friends. Chapter 14 How To Screen For a Club In your search for a club, have a list of questions to ask when and if you decide to call and inquire. For example, ask what the membership requirements are. That tells you what the standards of behavior are going to be. Do they hold a seminar or orientation, and how long is it? What does it consist of? If it is merely a rap session of questions and answers but no guidelines, it shows some level of concern, but having the rules presented is even better. From this you know that the members are all following the same basic code of etiquette. The definition of a club is an establishment that has entry requirements for membership. They normally screen applicants prior to acceptance, and present a code of acceptable behavior that must be adhered to in order to enjoy the privilege of membership. If there are none of these but only the payment of dues or a fee to attend, then it is not a true club. You are merely paying a cover charge at a night club. If you pay it, even though you might get a membership card that does not make you a member of a club. It is an admission fee to a commercial establishment. Ask whether the club is an off-premise club or on-premise. If the answer is not clear, the club may be a combination of both, with an off-premise lounge in front with on-premise facilities in back with a security person guarding the door between the two sections. Ask them how large their mat room is for group activity versus how many cubicles or private rooms they have. This will tell you what kind of sexual activity traditionally goes on there, group or private. Some commercial clubs offer private box-like cubes just large enough for one couple or four people tightly. Ask if there are lockers with locks on them for storing your wallet and personal belongings. Some clubs do, some don’t. If they don’t, you will want to leave your money in the car. Ask what it takes to become members, what papers they need to see. Most clubs will require your drivers license or other proof of identification. You cannot remain anonymous and belong to a club. Most clubs do not want risky, unknown people in their midst. However, clubs selfishly protect their member lists so you don’t have to worry about their giving your name to someone else. Club patrons are their customers and they do not want to lose what they feel belongs to them. Ask if singles are invited, and on what nights, and what nights are for couples only. Ask what kind of dress is appropriate. If it is an on-premise club, ask what you should wear into the mat room section of the club, and when is it time to dress down into sexier, lighter or no clothes at all. And ask if nudity is permitted. Ask whether it is a bottle club, whether you should bring your own bottle, and whether you must pay a bartender or you serve yourself. You want to know how much money to bring in with you. Ask what time you should arrive, and whether there is a time that the door is locked and no more entries permitted. Ask what hour the club closes. And if you are coming from out of town, can you sleep overnight? Is there an extra charge for sleeping? What kinds of sleeping facilities do they have, and what should you bring in with you. Some clubs don’t mind your sleeping on the mats overnight but they might require that you bring your own bedding and pillows. Ask what the annual dues are, and what the door charges are. And if you are traveling from a distance, whether they have short-term memberships, like one month or three months, or if they allow out-of-state guest privileges without membership being required. If it is a true club with membership requirements, expect to be asked some personal questions. They will want to know you, as much as you want to know them. Be honest and truthful with them. If they think you are lying to them they will not trust you. House party clubs and dance social clubs are more interested in you as people than commercial swinging establishments. They will require you to fulfill their membership criteria. They will trust you more if you are a committed couple, rather than just friends. These clubs are more personal and intimate in their approach, and members tend to become more than sex partners, but friends as well. In many areas of the country, unfortunately, swingers do not have the luxury of choosing between several clubs. If that is your situation and you cannot afford to travel, participate at whatever swing club is nearest you and do your best with it. You’re still better off joining a club, even if it falls far short of perfection or warmth, than fumbling with other means. You will meet and mingle with wonderful, like-minded people at any club, even if it is inadequate in other ways. Meeting and screening compatible couples within the club remains your job. The same questions and comparisons of desires and criteria have to be explored face to face as would be explored by mail if you were answering an ad. Don't assume just because they are attractive or eager or standing right there in front of you flirting with you, that they share your space. Each couple has their own fantasies and unique needs. The club, no matter what type, simply provides you with a place to meet them. You will have many people at a club to observe, talk to and select from. You do not have to create social friendships to fulfill sexual fantasies at a club, but you have to ask the right questions and give the right answers. The main thing to remember is that, to swing happily you must make sure the other couple (or person) is compatible. If you are a couple, and you arrive together and leave together, your relationship has not been risked and an exciting experience may have been gained. Finally, don’t make judgments based on one club. Shop around and visit several clubs until you find the one that best fits your needs. Many couples feel that their swing club is their second home. They have made friends there who have lasted for many, many years. Chapter 15 Big Parties Versus Small Parties Over the past eight years we have had many opportunities to talk to a couple who had disappeared from the swinging scene. We always asked them why. A number of these couples responded with something in the nature of, "We just don't feel comfortable at a large party," or words to that effect. That is an acceptable response if indeed that couple really have a difficult time dealing with any form of large social gathering. But if the response is more truthfully in the context of swinging in general, here is a little food for thought. Those who write swingers advisory columns often recommend large parties as the best of all choices, particularly for couples in their first year or so in the lifestyle. Let’s examine the reasons why large parties are recommended over and above small four to six couple parties. Point number one: Socializing. At a small party you will find yourself talking to those other four to six people whether they bore you or not. At a big party you will start out socializing in a group of one to three other couples, and if they bore you, you can move on to another couple or two and talk to them until you find a couple you really enjoy conversing with. We hear these stories right along and just this week we received a letter from a couple who had gone to a three-couple gathering at someone's house. One of the couples bored them to death, but there they were with no options. Result: a dull evening. Point number two Pressure. If a couple sets up an evening at their home with one to three other couples, it is specifically for the purpose of swinging. And those are the choices you have for the evening. If you don't go along with the logistics and go with whomever you end up with as the pairing starts, you have blown the whole party for everybody else. And even if the first round ends up OK, if the rest decide to re-pair for a second round, you either conform or end the party for everybody. That, to me, is pressure with a capital "P". Let's look at a typical three-couple gathering of Nancy and me, Joe & Ann, and Bill & Robin. If Nancy goes with Joe, and Ann goes off with Bill, that leaves me with Robin, Can I really decline? And worse, everybody is totally aware of what each person did or did not do. A big party does not have that pressure. Instead of me being her only option, Robin has 10 or 15 other men to choose from. She doesn't have to go with me, or me with her. If I want to wait an hour or so to find a partner, I don't have to go to a bedroom just because the others have. The pressure at a big party is a fraction of that in a small gathering. Point number three: Performance. At a small party everybody knows what each of us does or does not do. I have to deal with the situation where I had three encounters that evening and Nancy only one. Or vice versa. At a big party nobody can keep track of everybody else’s activities, and doesn’t. Unless you make a habit of it you can even drop out entirely at a party and nobody will be the wiser, if that is your choice. There are no comparatives. In addition, in a large group you can far easier find those partners who specifically enjoy those things that make you happy. In a small grouping what you see is what you get. There is spice in variety. At a large party you do just what you do at a small party. You spend time getting to know a few people. It is ridiculous to think that because there are 15 couples you have to get to know them all or go to bed with them all. It is the quality of the encounters that make an evening good. You will increase your opportunities for a good encounter by increasing the number of people you have to meet and select from. Then, once you have found those quality couples, you can set up some first class smaller get-togethers, with no pressure or mercy jobs to make them unpleasant. Chapter 16 Lifestyle Conventions All of us need a vacation without the kids. One where we are totally free to be who we want to be, and do the things we most enjoy. To just lay around somewhere at $100 per day may be restful, but certainly does not get the juices flowing. And just falling in bed exhausted at the end of seven days of driving and frantic sightseeing is often more work than pleasure. But there is a way to combine all of the best a vacation can offer, with sensuous pleasures beyond compare. There are four major swingers conventions in the United States, and they all offer, both in themselves and in the area in which they are held, the opportunities for a vacation like none you have ever had before. Since vacations for most people have to be arranged many months in advance, we are going to give you the story about conventions. First of all, what happens at a swinging convention? The basic format is the same at all of them. The details make them different. Each has a Thursday night get- acquainted dance and mixer. This is really important if you did not come with your own group of friends. By the time the mixer is over you will have created some level of comfortability with at least one, and maybe as many as three or four other couples. That gives you a running start for the convention. And if the connections are right, you probably will have also found your first sexual encounter of the weekend. All four of the major conventions have an orientation before beginning their workshops around noon on Friday. These workshops vary from conference to conference. One of them gives a full afternoon Friday orientation for new swingers on the whole gamut of behavior, etiquette, relationships, hygiene, disease, etc. The rest will have three to four workshops going on simultaneously. The subject matters range from the female orgasm, to male performance, dealing with rejection, masturbation, bondage, how to hold a house party, how to meet friends of like mind and not make mistakes and many other subjects. At all four of the conventions, a guided sensual massage is offered. This is scheduled early in the weekend on Friday evening, to help people relax and get into the spirit of the gathering. Attendees opting to attend, enter a large hall securely locked against other hotel guests, take a sheet from the pile, spread it on the floor and strip out of their clothes. The massage is done in the nude between primary partners but serves as a mood-setter for more intimate sexual exchange later. This generally runs an hour to an hour and a half. Three of the four conventions have a Friday night dinner which facilitates the meeting of other couples. At all the workshops, including the massage, and at all the meals, you find yourselves sitting next to different people all the time, which allows you to become acquainted with many varying personality types. The Friday night dinner is followed by a dance, and there you shed even more of your inhibitions as you find out that these people are just like you: hesitant, shy and unsure of what to do next and how to go about it. Personal warmth and knowledge begins to build among the participants of the convention. The dance runs until 1 o’clock in the morning. And you will watch couples drift out two by two. Some return an hour or so later, while others don't come back at all. They make it an all-night love-making session. At this point, if you are new to the convention scene and you don't yet have a date for the evening, you become a little nervous and fidgety. "Do you think we look wrong? Are we acting wrong? Maybe we should go and sit at a different table?" All normal reactions for all of us. But there is another option. For those who want more hot and heavy group activity or for those who are feeling left out, three of the four conventions provide party suites from 11 p.m. to 3 a.m. with a host and hostess on duty to help the newcomers fit in. There, all of the fantasies of multiple partners are fulfilled. It is an exciting version of the swinging lifestyle, and where, if you have never tried it before, you can broaden your experiences. The next morning, after four or five hours sleep if you can force yourself out of bed, you can catch some of the workshops that begin at 9 o’clock Saturday morning. You really don't want to miss these because the variety of educational lectures and experiential workshops is the real value of the convention. They address the psychology, philosophy, how-to's and problems of a more expansive sexual lifestyle. Saturday noon, at all four of the conferences there is a luncheon complete with speakers and awards presentations. By now you have a whole table full of new friends, some of whom you have been intimate with, some you have plans to get together with later. You have met them at workshops, at last night's dinner and dance, at breakfast in the coffee shop, in the elevators and hallways. At lunch you re-read the agenda, pick out the most interesting sounding ones, and Saturday after lunch the workshops continue until 5 p.m. There is a two-hour break from 5 to 7 p.m. when dinner is served. Some of you will use the time for a nap, some will have an extra liaison with a couple you really want to party with. After dinner, at all four conventions the highlight of the weekend is the theme costume ball and dance. Many plan their costumes months in advance, for this is an erotic, bare-skin, sexy affair. Others not into costumes, dress up sharp and sexy. At this, the third night of the convention, the excitement and emotions are running full speed and static electricity fairly crackles in the air all evening. It is the last opportunity to connect. Though the dance goes on until 1 a.m., by 11 or 11:30 half of the people are gone, either to private hotel rooms or to the party suite. The next morning, two of the conventions have a farewell Sunday brunch from 10 a.m. to noon. By the time you enter the banquet hall of tables on this last morning of the convention, you are filled with a mixture of feelings. The people waiting for you are close friends. Somehow, somewhere along the line, if you have participated at any level at all, these people have become connected to you on an emotional level. Whether you call it love, as so many of us do, or simply friendship, you can't discount the feeling of closeness. At one convention, year after year the emotions run so strong at the Sunday farewell brunch, and the good-bye hugs so intense, that tears are shed and planes are missed. You realize that in a few hours you must part from these people who just four days before were strangers, but are now closer than family. What started as a fun-filled vacation has turned out to be a profound emotional experience. Part 3 How To Meet Compatible Couples Chapter 17 Screening: The Key To Good Encounters Just last Saturday we had our monthly seminar on swinging for new or hesitant couples. Of the ten couples present, one was quite experienced, six had had no experience at all, and three had had one or two swinging encounters. Each one of these couples used the same descriptive phrase for their first swinging encounter: "It was a disaster!" Do you know that less than 30% of the couples who try to enter the lifestyle of swinging without some form of orientation are still active one year later? Of those who attended our seven-hour seminar, which is the educational approach, over 80% of these couples are still active a year later. What does that tell us? It tells us that swinging is no different than any other sport or activity. If you don't understand the rules of the game, what those rules are and how to deal with them, you are going to be like the youngster trying to drive a car without instruction. The probabilities are that you will have an accident. In swinging, an accident is a sexual experience that is not a totally happy experience, meaning somewhere between mediocre and a disaster. Beginning swingers, because of their naivety, really believe that if another couple says they are swingers, they must be OK. We would like to believe that everyone who calls himself or herself a swinger is a wonderful, honest, caring, warm, thoughtful, potential sex companion. This is the biggest trap of them all for creating disastrous encounters. Swingers come in all sizes, shapes, ages and background history, and they don't necessarily represent those facets of themselves truthfully. Even a picture can be ten years old and, in some cases, someone else entirely. The broad definition of the word “swinger” encompasses so many different sub-definitions that when a couple identifies themselves as swingers it may have connotations far different than the next couple who says they are swingers. The reality is that you have to utilize the same careful interview techniques to find a couple for a compatible swing encounter that you have to use when interviewing for a compatible employee or associate in your business. If you fail to do the proper job of screening, the odds are heavily stacked against you. The essence and cause of virtually all bad experiences in swinging is always built around the failure to totally understand your prospective encounters. When we speak of getting to know someone in the swinging lifestyle, we are speaking of far more than what you would consider normal conversation. I'll bet that, if you haven't yet taken the plunge into actual experience, you haven't even contemplated all the negative situations in which you could find yourselves. You have only thought about how exciting, wonderful and beautiful that first encounter is going to be. Whether you are answering contact ads, placing ads, or are using swinging clubs or bars to meet compatible people, you have to totally screen them if you are going to have any chance of a successful encounter. The name of the game in the swinging lifestyle is how to meet people of like mind and not make mistakes. Most bad, unpleasant, or mediocre experiences in swinging are a result of finding yourself with non-compatible people, those who have deceived, or those whose sexual interests differ completely from yours. When you are dealing with sex, there is some necessity for a turn-on. If you really believe that just because someone says they are a swinger that means they can happily have sex with anyone, you aren’t going to fare very well. We know people who absolutely turn on to well-padded, heavy partners, and find nothing exciting about thin people. And we know men and women who are totally repulsed by heavy people. If this is an area that bothers you, be sure you make it very clear that that is what you need and you will not consider swinging with them if they lie to you. And if they ask you for your physical dimensions, which they should, tell the truth. Why travel 90 miles to meet someone who has told you pretty specifically what they want, and you know you do not fit their criteria? Approaching from the standpoint of a couple seeking to fulfill their swinging desires and needs, first and most important, you as a couple have to know clearly and precisely what your definitions are. Further, one of you should not handle the decision-making, or make the approaches without full knowledge of what’s being said by the other. Before you start the process of trying to meet people, sit down and talk about what kind of people you enjoy. Do you want couples only? What kind of sexual activity? What kind of approach? Do you want to swing in the same bedroom or separate bedroom? Do you want group sex? Do you want bisexual activity? Do you want mild bondage? Write those definitions down. If you are going to answer ads in a contact magazine or on the Internet, you can start a process of elimination by not answering those that require a photo. In magazines, between the ads and listings that are no longer active and those that are placed by just plain photo collectors, you are going to spread your picture around to ten or twelve people who won’t answer your letters for every one who will. And if you do send a photo, don’t send a nude shot. If you are posting an ad on the Internet, do not post a photo of yourself and definitely not a nude photo. You have no idea who in your immediate family and circle of friends and associates will see your ad, and what potential effects will rebound on your life and haunt you forever. And then there are those out there who are just plain hot and dirty letter collectors. In your letter or e-mail, don’t talk crude or dirty. Real couple swingers are looking for friends as well as sexual experiences. If you sound like you come from the gutter, you will be rejected by many who could possibly have been good contacts. Instead, in a straightforward manner, tell the people you are writing exactly what you are looking for. The universal advice to new swingers is, if you contact a couple through a magazine or Internet, learn as much as you can by electronic correspondence and phone calls, and then don't believe anything. Don’t give your phone number in your first response. Ask them to tell you a bit about themselves, their likes and dislikes. Then ask them to send their phone number and the best time to contact them. If you get a response back to your letter or e-mail, read it carefully and determine from the tone if they come close to what you want. If all they talk about is how hot they are for your body and don’t really deal with the likes, dislikes and desires you have discussed, it is probably somebody who just is looking for letters that turn them on. Even more so in e-mail correspondence. If they do send a good response and a phone number, then call. The most important single ingredient is to talk to both of them. If he has all sorts of excuses why she can’t talk, the chances are she doesn’t even know he has an ad or listing running, and he is trying to set something up for himself alone. Don’t even discuss a meeting unless you can talk to both of them. In the phone conversation, ask any questions unanswered in the letter or e-mail. Invite them to ask you questions. If you have not exchanged photos by e-mail and feel a photo exchange would be good, this is the time to suggest it. Otherwise, you have done a good job of screening, and can feel safe in setting up a date. It still might not be perfect, but you have certainly moved the odds in your favor. Even with the best of screening, you have no guarantee that the other couple are telling the truth when you talk to them or correspond with them. But at least, by asking the right questions, you can reduce the probabilities of a negative experience to a minimum. Obviously, the first factors you want to deal with are the physical characteristics. From an appearance standpoint you want to feel comfortable with what they look like. Age, size, looks, fitness. As a piece of advice from long years of experience, we would urge you to stretch your levels of approval in all of these areas beyond your original ideas. It is just too tough to meet a couple who fulfill every appearance criteria. If it is a couple with whom you are corresponding, it is critical that your first meeting be at a neutral, non-threatening site. Never have that first date at your house, their house or in a hotel room because, once there, you are virtually trapped into a situation which will be difficult to get out of without embarrassment. And if they smoke and you can't stand the smell of cigarettes, it's too late once you're in the living room. At a neutral site, restaurant or bar, you can easily terminate the meeting, no harm, no foul. Be sure as a couple you have prepared yourselves with appropriate signals to each other so that you can non-verbally communicate the message that you want to stay, or leave without embarrassing each other. At all meetings you should have an agreement between the two of you to the effect that, if one of you wants to terminate the meeting, the other will do so without argument, regardless of how aroused he or she might be. Neutral ground would be a restaurant, bar or open public place. Never make a date at a motel or a home with strangers. Even in swinging, sex, to be good, requires some degree of attraction. Agree between you before you go into the meeting, that unless you both feel attracted and want an experience with that couple, you will leave if only one of you is attracted. If you force your mate into an encounter she does not want to have, it will probably be the last time you ever swing. You can move the odds more in your favor by placing your own ad in a magazine, or listing on the internet. Start out by truthfully describing yourselves and what you are looking for in an encounter. The people who answer it will in most instances answer it because what you say is pretty much what they want. Be sure that what you say is what you both want, or you will be setting up a bad experience that will end your swinging career with the first encounter. Since you are the recipient of the responses to your ad or listing, you don’t have to waste a lot of effort on the non-legitimate people. You can screen their letters or messages on the first round. If they clearly did not read what you said by the way they responded, simply write them back a “Thanks, but we’re not interested” message or letter. If what they say sounds right to you both, you can go straight to the telephone. Or, if they didn’t give you a phone number, drop a short note or e-mail thanking them for their letter, telling them you are interested, give them your phone number and ask them to call. Remember, if you can’t talk to both of them, tell them to call back when they both can talk. If they are a legitimate couple, they will call. The single man pretending to be a couple, will not bother. He will try to get a couple to agree to a date under the pretense of being a couple, and then show up without his supposed wife claiming some excuse as to why she could not make it. If you choose to use a swing club as your medium for making contacts, you do eliminate some problems, but the same need for screening exists. Obviously, since you can see the people face to face, you know they are real. They either attract you on an appearance level or they don’t, and they are either a couple or they are not. But you still don’t know what their expectations are, either sexually or socially. It is better to know what their sexual preferences are before you go into the bedroom with them, than after. Then it is too late if they are planning on doing things you don’t want to do, including whether condoms will be used or not. Even at a swing club, the same questions have to be asked. Do they both swing? Do they have rules between them you should know about, such as they do not go all the way? What kind of sex do they like? Do they expect anal sex? Bi-sex between the women? Bi-sex between the men? And are they the kind of people you would like to see again in a social setting? If you need to be in the same bed with your mate, and they only swing in separate rooms, you should know this up front. If they are drunks, give them several hours of socializing first and find out before you go into a bedroom with them. The name of the game is screening. When you are talking with a new couple in person, you will rapidly learn what they look like and whether or not they are hygienic. You will learn what level of experience they have had, and what their approach to swinging and sex is. The only way you can screen couples properly is to be face to face in an environment where you have room to leave without embarrassment. If you don't fully screen them then the risk of disaster is yours. As long as the other couple understands the meeting is a no-commitment meeting, you will have no problem. You are responsible for knowing what it is you want to receive from a swinging encounter in practical terms. If you want friendship first and sex second, you have to ask for it. If what they want is a one night stand, at least you know. Then you have a basis to make a decision and so do they. If one of you is turned off and doesn’t want to go through with it, but you continue on with the encounter because your mate is so eager that you think it will cause a problem to say no, then you will have an even worse problem after the encounter is over. It is the absolutely worst scenario in swinging. Insiders call it the "mercy fuck" and, while at the time you may not think it so bad, in the end it usually colors all future swinging encounters negative. Put positive energy into your swinging experiences. Color them happy. Work hard to set them up right. You can only have a good experience in swinging if the sexual adventure is personally pleasing to you and you really want to be there with these people. If you find yourself not wanting to be there and are doing it only "for him" or "for her", after one or two of those ordeals you will drop out of swinging. And that, of course, means that both of you will have to drop out of swinging. Swinging is a lifestyle that requires good experiences most of the time for people to stay with it. Nothing is perfect all of the time, but unless it is good most of the time you will be among those who finally throw up their hands and say, “If this is swinging, who needs it!” There is little reason for bad experiences to happen. Unfortunately, they do happen and all too often. Meeting people of like mind and not making mistakes is the key to happy, successful swinging. And the key to not making mistakes is screening. In business and other social situations, decisions are based on accumulation of facts and swinging is no different. You must take the time to know as much as possible about your potential partners, before being in a no-retreat position. Screening is getting educated about a certain subject. It will eliminate 90% of the potential disasters. It may not guarantee a glorious experience, but it will certainly reduce the potential of bad experiences to the almost zero mark. Chapter 18 What To Screen For If you are fortunate enough to be in an area where there is a swingers club nearby, whether on or off-premise, you will be able to personally assess a wide variety of couples each time you make a trip to the club. This is far easier than the make or break situation of meeting a couple on a private date. In a very brief period of time, on an eye level basis, you can ascertain whether they are acceptable or repellant to you in the area of appearance, personality, class and sexual attraction. The couples you reject on an appearance basis, or those who clearly reject you, represent the easiest part of the equation. The next step takes you into the more difficult stage of, "Yes, we might be interested." But there is a lot more you want to know before you carry the involvement further. What are some of things you want to observe, detect and determine? First, hygiene. You want people who are squeaky clean in their body habits. Look at their finger nails. Is their hair greasy? Their clothes clean? Do they have body odor or foul breath? This is a major judgment point as to whether these people even care to be desirable sex partners. If they don't care for their own bodies, how much respect do you think they are going to have for your body? The next thing you want to observe is whether or not they drink. If they do drink, watch them for awhile. Does either one show signs of being drunk? Is one there against his or her will? Nothing ruins a sexual encounter worse or faster than someone who gets sloppy drunk. Those are people you want to avoid because there are problems lurking underneath. If they are not heavily drinking but act drunk, strange or hyper, there is a high probability they are on drugs. I doubt if you need the problems that go with drug abusers. Most drug users cannot perform sexually, and they can get highly irrational. Do they engage in anal sex? This is a most dangerous form of sex. Many diseases are spread through the anal canal, from semen to blood, because the colon cannot take an erect penis without lesions occurring. Is the man bisexual? And if so does he receive anal sex? You had better know how you feel about this and let them know. If the wife of the other couple is heavily bisexual and your wife does not want to be touched by another woman, or vice versa, you have an area that invariably causes one of the great trauma experiences in the lifestyle. Many couples who are strongly bisexual will tend to force it on their partners. This can be really traumatic in a bedroom, but need not be if you have settled the question one way or the other prior to going into a bedroom situation. This must be clearly established up front. Your likes and dislikes in the areas of closed swinging, open swinging, penetration, oral sex, and sex using bondage and so forth, must be established. Fantasies which we all have before an encounter lead to expectations. Those expectations must be validated or laid to rest before the experience. In the course of making small talk, try to find out what they do for excitement. Do they pick up singles at bars and take them home? Do they have an open marriage and each have separate affairs on the side, which is risky, or do they only swing as a couple at the same time and place? Do they like each other? Do they have a "together" relationship? Do they trust and listen to each other, or is one dominating and dictating to the other? If so, then that person will probably dominate and dictate in the bedroom, too. You want to note if they are highly aggressive in their approach and conversation. Do they take liberties on your body with their hands before being invited? Is the conversation crude? Be careful of people who try to control the situation. Does the man show obsessive interest in seeing two women together? If so, he may try to force the two ladies into a bisexual situation. In a bedroom, what we call a "traffic director" can have disastrous consequences on the other three people involved. But fortunately, if you are observant, those characteristics can be detected at the social conversational level, and you don't have to wait to be trapped in a bedroom to find out how the people handle the word, No. The next thing you had better get into with that couple, now that you have decided they seem pretty nice and you have some attraction to them, is what their sexual habits are, and their desires and fantasies. You have no idea how many rules they have created between them, and they will expect you to conform to them. If they only want to have sex in separate bedrooms, which is called closed swinging, is this acceptable to both of you? Or do you prefer to swing in the same bedroom, called open swinging? You had better establish with them which way you want to do it. Find out whether they expect penetration sex. If so, is this what you want to do? If they don't want penetration, if they want to perform oral sex and play around but then switch back to their primary partner for the finish, is this also OK with you? Some couples do that. Some couples even have an agreement that they will enjoy penetration sex with others but not allow themselves to reach a climax, agreeing to hold it back for each other later. For some people this takes something away from the experience, causing it to be less than it could be. If they want to use condoms, is that OK with you? Or if you want to use condoms, is it OK with them? Is it OK with you to swing on the first get together? If not, you better get that established with them beforehand. If that is what you want, be sure they agree or you are going to have a frustrating evening. For many couples, particularly those new to the lifestyle, age can be a considerable factor. Some young couples find swinging with someone older a turn-on; others find it a turn-off. Some older couples find they can’t handle swinging with someone the age of their children; others find it exciting. If you make a date with a couple in their 50’s and don’t know it, and you are in your early 30’s and want couples your own age, you are either going to take a trip for nothing or find yourself in a turn-off sexual situation. You must ask the questions, and if you are asked, tell the truth. Suppose you are a couple who only wants a social first meeting with no swinging. You had better make sure that the other couple is clear about that or you are going to come under extremely heavy pressure. That can be quite unpleasant. In reverse, if you are a couple who really do not want to spend an evening in pure conversation and you plan to swing that night, then you had better get a clear understanding of that before you start out. Unless you have screened the other couple and made sure that that is also their intention, you are going to come away awfully frustrated. In this case, you had better screen the wife as well as the husband, for this is asking quite a lot of a woman who has never met you before in her life. Even the term “open swinging” has several meanings. If the other couple says they swing “open”, don’t stop there. Ask them if they expect all four of you to have sex on the same bed or different beds in the same room, which may be their habit. Without question, if you know the preferred type of swinging (open or closed), likes or dislikes, basic appearances, ages and experience of the other couple, you will most likely have virtually all good experiences. Why? Because you are not going to set up dates with couples who have different attitudes than you do. But to make this happen, the responsibility is yours. You must screen them. You must tell them what you want and what you do not want. You must find out what they want or do not want. Successful screening means successful swinging. These are just the tip of the iceberg in the screening process that you should do if you are going to have enjoyable encounters in the swinging lifestyle. Assume nothing. Make absolutely sure you and your prospective sex partners are on the same sexual wavelength. If not and you proceed into the bedroom, the disastrous experience you might have could be the one that will drive you out of the lifestyle needlessly. Be alert and screen, screen, screen. If you do, most of your swinging experiences will be good ones. Chapter 19 Looking For The Perfect Couple? If you are looking for that perfect couple, you are looking for disaster. Next to the popular fantasy which a lot of couples have about finding a bi woman to use as their personal sex toy, the next largest group of mistakes people make in this lifestyle are those who are seeking that “one perfect couple”. There are many couples who have the vision of an expanded sexual relationship with another couple who will share not only their sexual recreational interests, but their social life, family and other interests too. Plus spend all of their weekends together or more. We are sorry to report, sadly enough, that that fantasy seldom works out successfully. We have seen over 800 couples attend our seminars on swinging over the years and in the same period have met close to 1,000 other couples who were interested in the swinging lifestyle. It has constantly amazed us how many of those couples, perhaps as many as 10%, who harbored the same fantasy. That fantasy being to meet one, only one, very special couple to be their sole swinging partners and primary social companions. We are horrified to find so many people seeking that fantasy because, when implemented, it leads to horrible results and relationship disasters. It almost never works. In fact, it is everything that swinging is not. For every couple who succeeds in finding that “one perfect couple,” there are twenty more that end in disasters for the people involved. Before we explore the reasons why that is so, let’s first talk about what makes swinging for couples work, and why it works. Then we can compare the factors that make the “one perfect couple” desire, more often than not, a failure for those who try it. Couples swinging has succeeded and grown over the years because it is both relationship protective and relationship enhancing. It carries within it certain boundaries that make it work. First and foremost, it provides sexual variety as a shared activity between a couple. In doing so, it protects the primary relationship by eliminating the need or desire for extramarital affairs. But it does this by providing an atmosphere where those encounters are light, exciting and recreational, not emotional, intense or personal. Personal sex is what you have in your own relationship at home. It is built upon responsibilities and commitments that you don’t share with anybody else. Swinging works if you have three or four or more other couples with whom you play. But while you may develop great friendships with them, those friendships are fun, light and easy. They stop short of emotional entanglements. In swinging, whether it is in a one couple to one couple encounter or at a swing party of 10, 20 or 30 couples, a couple always arrives at the party together, leaves the party together and at sleeping time sleeps together with the primary partner. As individuals, we feel safe in a swinging environment because it is light, recreational and we know that the other couples are merely looking for pleasure, variety, and making new and fun friends: lots of them, preferably. What we have in swinging are shared sexual adventures, not emotional involvements. And that works. We still have only our own primary relationship we have to deal with. Now let’s change the scenario and look at what happens when we approach a couple for something more serious: that special involvement. If you are only involved with one couple, the variety aspect soon disappears. It is no longer light-hearted. It becomes serious when you want to know what they are doing when they are not with you, and feel pangs of jealousy when they are with others. If it has reached that point, you are in the process of creating an extended family. The first stumbling block you have to deal with is there are two of them in their partnership and two of you in yours. Even though you are each one couple, in terms of likes and dislikes you are four individual people. And you are now preparing to spend a great deal of your recreational time with the other couple, if it works out. What happens if after a few weeks or less you find that one of you hates night clubs or dancing and the other three want to do that all the time? Or you two enjoy camping out and they are strictly into first class hotels and lying around the pool sipping martinis? Or you have a boat and they get seasick? Unless you have a fantastic meshing of likes and interests, how are you going to be able to develop a relationship with that one special couple to make the four of you all want to spend your entire weekends together? How far are you willing to go to compromise your favorite things that you want to do? A relationship can’t be only sex. In your own relationship as two, you are able to spend time together comfortably because over the months and years you have developed a number of shared interests together. And that goes beyond sex. Even your own sex life can’t involve more than three or four hours a weekend. Speaking of sex, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Let’s talk about sex in the “one special couple” relationship. In order for this relationship to work successfully, all four of you have to not only have a positive sexual attraction, but in the consummation of the sex act find each other exciting and fulfilling as well. If you don’t, it will grow old fast. We recently had a two-couple situation in our club which proves the point. After about three months of a one special couple relationship, one of the husbands realized he had no great sexual fulfillment from the other woman. His wife on the other hand found the other guy so exciting she was willing to give up her husband if she could not continue to see the fellow on weekends. The result was two divorces, with one couple realigning and the other two left out in the cold. Expanding from one sex partner to two sex partners may provide more variety and excitement in the beginning, but eventually that too can become old and boring. Jealousy and possessiveness is another complication of the one special couple situation. Seldom, if ever, do you find two couples who want to be as fully and equally involved with each other as one of the couples does. For example, you may thoroughly enjoy the other couple and want to spend an occasional weekend with them, but you may also want to swing with other couples, too. They, on the other hand, only want you and no one else, and they want your attention and closeness all the time. In this case if you continue to see other swinging couples they will become hurt and jealous, just as confused as a wife gets when her husband first wants to try swinging. Then come the questions, “Why?” And awkward scenes and embarrassing recriminations, all of the things that turn good relationships into bad relationships. We can take a little guidance from the Mormons. Over a century ago in the heyday of Mormon polygamy, virtually no man had two wives. Two wives created problems. They found three or more wives did not. You might ask, “But what is so bad about an extended family?” Nothing in theory. In the beginning it can be exciting, between the hot and heavy love making and the planning of all sorts of weekends together. But the factor that has not been considered is that, while you may be two couples, you are also four individuals. And that is where the problems begin to surface. Let’s look at some real life stories that we have seen in our own club. These stories reveal the bitter truth of what really happens when you finally meet that “perfect” couple. Their names have been changed to protect their identities. Joe & Elaine were experienced swingers. They had many couples with whom they had partied over the past eight years. One day they met Bill & Louise through a magazine ad and partied with them. Bill & Louise were new to the lifestyle and were looking for a special couple with whom to get involved. With all of their experience, Joe & Elaine were flattered and fell into the trap. For three full months every weekend was full of total emersion and passion with Bill & Louise. Then the problem hit. Joe realized he did not want an extended relationship with Louise. In fact, he was bored with her. Elaine in the meantime had reached the point where she wanted to continue having every weekend with Bill. For the moment, Joe & Louise are each spending their weekends alone while Bill & Elaine have what is now a weekend affair. How this will end is not known, the jury is still out. But it is a typical “one special couple” relationship disaster. Jack & Tillie had been members of our club for about a year. They decided to repeat a seminar at which Don & Alice were one of the couples in attendance. Don & Alice expressed at the seminar their desire to find that one special couple with whom to expand sexually and socially. The four of them hit it off well and began to see each other on weekends. After about six weeks of intense weekend activity together, Jack & Tillie moved into Don & Alice’s big beautiful house on Don & Alice’s invitation. Jokingly we referred to them at the club as the honeymooners. All seemed to be going beautifully. They were cute together, but we were concerned. They came to parties to see their friends, but sexually they never shared except with each other. They slept for many months not with their own mates but with each other’s. It was Don who tired of it first, and suggested one night that they sleep with their own wives for a change. And it was Don’s wife who announced, “No, I am in love with Jack. I want a divorce and move in with him.” Tillie said that was OK with her because she was in love with Don. Don said, “Whoa!” He was just having fun with the game and wanted to keep Alice. The upshot two years later: Jack & Alice are now married and living happily together in another state. Tillie has had a series of tenuous relationships with different men, and Don is living absolutely alone and miserable. Another typical “one special couple” relationship disaster. Albert & Stacey owned a cruise ship. They brought his first mate Tom and his wife Candy to one of our parties as a guest couple. Tom & Candy had had no swinging experience except two encounters with Albert & Stacey. But that night they met Wally & Anne and partied with them. For three months we did not hear a word from any of them until Albert reported that Tom & Candy and Wally & Anne were spending full time together weekends. They had all stopped swinging and were involved in an extended relationship. A couple of months later, Anne called us to say that Wally was seeing Candy during the week also, and in the meantime she, Anne, had lost interest in Tom. Upshot of this story is that Candy left Tom and moved in with Wally who had left Anne. Today, Wally & Candy are back in swinging together and would not be caught dead in another “one special couple” relationship. They agree that it is a dangerous situation. They come to our parties, have a couple of fun encounters each time, and are now enjoying swinging as the exciting relationship-enhancing lifestyle it was meant to be. Tom & Anne? They are each married to someone else and out of swinging. We are sure there are occasional special relationship situations that do work out for a couple of years before they end. But the three illustrations above are only the tip of the iceberg of the dozens we could recount about that “one special couple” relationship. Incidentally, on the same note, every couple we know who thought they wanted a live-in bi-female and got one, also ended up divorced. Swinging is a light recreational sexual activity with variety. It is the multiple partner aspect that protects the primary relationship, for there is no time to fall in love when you are moving around among a half dozen couples or more. That is the fun of swinging. The primary relationship remains the one solid element as you encounter the many others. If you approach swinging that way you will enhance your relationship. You will communicate more, understand more, grow more, have more fun and still be swinging in ten years. The special couple expanded relationship route leads to destroyed relationships and misery. We wish we could say that the one special couple relationship works beautifully, but reality has shown us that it remains still a fantasy. Even the polyfidelity people, those who believe you can have multiple love relationships, do not frame their activities in the “one special other” syndrome. They leave room for more than one couple for variety and group interaction. Not only does the concept of finding that “one special couple” not work, the probabilities of it destroying your primary relationship are close to 99% if it does work for awhile. Our bottom line advice is that if you want the combination of great sexual variety, wonderful friendships and the continuation of your own relationship, participate in and enjoy swinging for what it is: a fun, shared, exciting recreational activity for a couple to engage in with a number of other couples. Go the “one special couple” route, and the odds are you will lose it all, including your relationship. Chapter 20 How To Answer a Swingers Ad Answering ads in swinging publications or on the Internet is hard work but the rewards can be more than you had ever hoped for in your fantasies. It too involves the screening process. And, if done wrong, the results can be a total disaster. First and foremost is you as a couple. Before you ever consider answering a communication, sit down together and talk. Perhaps, it will require several such discussions to come to conclusions that define exactly what it is that you jointly are seeking. We have discussed in the preceding chapter what to screen for. Is protecting your relationship a primary goal in establishing swinging friends? Do you want friends at all, or do you just want exciting one-night stands? Do you want to swing in the same bed or bedroom, or are you willing to go in separate bedrooms with a couple? Do you object to drugs, or do you want couples who want to smoke pot with you? Are you willing to entertain or do you need couples who can entertain you? Do you object to smokers or drinkers? What kind of sexual experiences do you really want? If you are opposed to bi activity, anal, oral, light bondage or whatever, you had better decide that in advance. And what you do want, decide in advance. Do you want to swing on the first encounter or do you want a purely social meeting? Or are you willing to let the other take the lead? These answers, and any others that occur to you should all be on your work sheet before you look attempt to answer an email contact. If you do not know what it is clearly and concisely that you are seeking, you are not going to be able to write a good response or letter that will define your space. And that is the place where 90% of the bad experiences start: unclear, imprecise information in your initial response. With that done, now you are ready to go to stage two, and that is selecting a web site, magazine or bulletin board to use for finding the people you want to reach. Your best bet is one that only covers your own state or region. National magazines or e-boards have a limited number of ads in any one state. Go to a lingerie or erotic toy shop, which usually has a bulletin board. The next step is to screen the ads you find. This applies to both the Internet and magazines. Here I am going to give you a piece of advice that will save you many a shock. Forget the pictures. Only read carefully what the text of the message says. From our experience, a substantial number of the pictures are between five and twenty years old. Many are not even those of the advertiser, but rather a more glamorous friend that the advertiser thought would draw responses. In short, what you see, you don’t necessarily get. We always had our best success with magazine ads that had no pictures. The first question you have to ask yourself is how far are you willing to travel to meet people with whom you might not have anything in common? Only answer messages from people an hour to two hours drive from your home. If you live 300 miles away from the advertiser, and you make that big trip only to find out it didn’t work out, you are going to turn off to swinging fast. Select people a reasonable distance from your home. Once you have made a list of those who are in a reasonable range, then read what they have to say about themselves. If you are interested in the social aspects of the lifestyle and not just sexual variety, look for the ads that stress friendship first. Forget the ads that talk about penis size and the verbiage designed to turn you on, but which often turns people off. Forget the ads that require a picture, and certainly those that require a revealing picture. Seventy-five percent of those are picture collectors. They have no serious intention of following through with a real swinging encounter. Never, never, ever, ever send a nude picture in the mail or over the Internet. You don’t know who they are or who they know that you know. Tell them that you will be happy to take pictures with a Polaroid after you have swung with them. We always use a fully dressed picture which really shows us as we are. Sincere couples are turned off by crotch shots. Novices think that is what is required. Not true! In your letter to them, tell them exactly what it is you are looking for in swinging, and in them. If you merely write and tell them you read their posting and want to meet them, with a physical description of yourself, you are going to find yourself meeting people who have nothing in common with you, socially or sexually. Do not use a lot of four letter words. That is a turn-off to most sincere couples. They want to engage in friendly sex. They don’t think of it as dirty. After you have mailed your letter or sent your e-mail response, it is important to recognize that you are playing a statistical game. Many postings are placed by people just looking for nude photos or hot letters. Many are placed on a whim, and the people have changed their minds about swinging before they start. Some are old postings and the people have moved or dropped out of swinging. If you are fortunate, you will hear back from somewhere between one out of three and one out of seven of the people to whom you write. Let’s say you have now responded to fifteen people and received four responses in return. You next want to talk to the people by phone. Most important, you as a couple want to talk to both of them. If the wife is not available to come to the phone, ask the man to call you back when his wife is home and can talk to you. There are too many couples out there where swinging is his fantasy and not hers. I can’t say it too many times: before you set up a real live date with a couple, talk to them both to make sure that she wants to have this date, too, and that she understands what you understand the four of you are going to do together. You want to confirm that she as well as he indeed shares your attitudes and approach to swinging. You will then find you are probably down to two viable contacts out of the fifteen contacts which you selected. Set up a date at a bar or restaurant at a convenient halfway point for both couples. We call that a non-commitment meeting. It is easier to leave if you find you really don't want to swing with them, than if you are already in a home or motel. You have almost committed yourself to swing once you get off of neutral ground. You have done a good job of screening, and can feel safe in setting up this date. It still might not be perfect, but you have certainly moved the odds in your favor. The main point is that, by telling the people exactly what you want in your communication, again by phone talking with both of them, and you'll do it again at your neutral meeting ground, you have established control. There is little likelihood of unpleasant surprises. If one of those fifteen original couples you contacted does meet your criteria, it will have been worth all of the time and effort. You will have begun a wonderful new facet in your life with people who are totally compatible. Some of the closest friends we found in swinging are those we first met answering ads in 1980 when we first moved to Florida. It is hard work but if you do it right, it is a most rewarding way to expand yourself into the swinging lifestyle. Chapter 21 How To Place A Swingers Ad Swinging can be one of the most grateful and relationship-enhancing activities of your entire life, or it can be a bad experience. It really depends on your ability to meet and share experiences with people with whom you are comfortable. While answering ads in magazines or postings on the Internet can create some wonderful experiences and friendships, it is hard work and the percentages may come down to one success for about every fifteen postings you answer. While Nancy and I made some excellent swinging friends by answering ads, we found the game changed dramatically once we started running our own ads. In computer terms, that means posting your own ad. Realize that other people may not necessarily tell the truth. They may not really even be swingers. They may just be people, especially men, trying to collect nude photos or hot letters. You gain a tremendous amount of control over your chances of meeting the kind of people you want to meet if you post your own profile or ad. But, remember, that is only true if you clearly and truthfully define your personal desires and needs. It is important that, prior to preparing your email posting or ad, you and your partner sit down together and work out your definitions. Describe yourselves objectively. In the old days of ads you would see “W/C, mid-40’s, he 6-1, 190, she 5-5, 135”, W/C standing for “white couple”. In computer language you are able to put out many more words and spell them out, which makes it easier. Be honest about your ages. And since pregnancy can be a concern, either in your case or theirs, cover the base. Swingers are pretty honest. In the days of contact magazines you would see “She safe, he not”. This would be spelled out more fully and completely in an email. Then if you have strong social limitations, state them. Why bother getting letters from people you aren’t interested in? In magazine ads space was limited so you would see “Couples only, friendship first, professional people preferred, cannot entertain.” Again, this would be much more personal in an email communication. Then finally, address your sexual preferences. Say it like it really is. You don’t need the problem of dealing with a couple who only swings in separate bedrooms if you only want to swing in the same. You don’t need to handle a couple whose thing is bondage if it isn’t yours. A magazine ad would say “Open swinging required, no pain or bondage. Bi OK but not required by her. He straight.” An email communication would allow for more colorful explanation. Take advantage of the unlimited ability to tell about yourselves. Finally, make it easy on them. Let them know that pictures are not required and that you will respond to all contacts. If you are posting your ad in a magazine, get a post office box and list your initials and a direct contact address. Don’t use your real name. If you are answering an e-mail messages, don’t use your real name either. You don’t know who the person is on the other end. So the magazine ad might close with, “Will answer all. B & N, Box 793, Anywhere, FL 33333.” So here is your magazine ad now in final form: TAMPA BAY AREA, W/C mid 40’s, he 6’1”, 190, she 5’5”, 135. She safe, he not. Couples only, friendship first, professional people preferred, cannot entertain. Open swinging required, no pain or bondage. Bi OK but not required by her. He straight. Will answer all. B & N, Box 793, Anywhere, FL 33333. An email response can be lengthier and more personal since you do not have to limit your space. What you done in these few lines is you have gained control of the situation by saying it exactly as it is. You have described yourselves. You have stated your preference and said what you are not interested in. And you have told the readers how to reach you. You do not need a picture, and you do not need any turn-on lines. In fact, those will bring you all the wrong kind of responses. Couples who examine a swinging magazine or electronic contact page for purposes of writing to someone, are looking for people of matching interests and tastes. Obviously there are some out there who will answer every ad they can find, and hope they can force their desires on you. What you will find if you run an honest and forthright ad, is that most of the people who answer you will say something like this: “We are Bill & Arlene, and we saw your ad in Local Swingers (or Adult Friend Finders). We have been looking for people who have the same interests as we do, and you seem to be the kind of couple we have been trying to meet. We are a married couple, I’m 48, Arlene’s 37...” They will almost always give their phone number besides the address, so after you have examined their letter or e-message, you then have three choices. Carefully decide which one to exercise. Choice one: if the response seems to meet all of your criteria and they are frank and open about themselves, call them. Be sure you both talk to both of them. Often one is coming from a space the other does not share. But probably you will have the basis to set up a non-committal meeting to explore and make the decision that either, yes, there is an attraction, or no, there is not, and whether there is mutual interest in going beyond conversation. Choice two: if you are not completely sure from their letter or e-message that they truly share your space and interests, respond to their communication with another letter or e-message. Tell them how much you appreciated their response, but you have certain questions you would appreciate their answering. If the response was raunchy, maybe they aren’t interested in anything except sex with limited discussion. Or if they did not describe themselves, perhaps they are in their 60’s, and you don’t want couples in their 60’s. Or perhaps if they did not describe their own sexual interests, they are hoping to lure you into a situation. You are entitled to the information before you get together with them. Offer them the opportunity to either call or write you with their answers. You will eliminate some bad experiences that way. If they really are not in your space, you won’t hear from them again. Choice three: Thanks but no thanks. You have committed to answer all responses to your ad and you should. There will be those who pay no attention to what you said, including single men. If a letter comes from someone who clearly does not meet your criteria, don’t ignore them and don’t lead them on. Just send them back a one-liner stating, “Thank you for your letter or email in response to our ad, but at this time we are not interested.” They won’t complain, and you have nicely cut them off. The principal thing that happens when you place your own ad or posting on the Internet is that you are in control. You know what you said is true, so you are not playing a guessing game. The people have to come to you in response to your own definitions. You become the screeners of their letters rather than the reverse. More important is the percentage factor. When you answer ads or postings you are dealing with a ten percent chance of meeting anyone you would really want to be with. When you take charge with your own honest profile or ad, those odds will go up to as high as 50 to 60%. If you only get two responses a month, that means you will meet one new couple every month with whom you can be compatible. That is not bad. Chapter 22 What Not To Do In Placing Ads Crotch shot mania abounds. In the days of magazine ads we were constantly amazed at the ads that appeared with a close-up of a male penis or a woman's fanny. No face, no figure, no person behind it. Yet the ad underneath the picture would read, "Couple wants to meet other couples for friendship and possible sensual delights." Do you really believe anyone is going to drive fifty miles or more to meet a penis? People drive fifty miles to meet whole people, not anatomical parts. If you are a real swinger, or want to become a real swinger, you are going to be interested in what they look like, how they converse, with whom you can go out for dinner, share interests, and, if everything works out right, top off the cake with the frosting of intimacy. Who is interested in crotch shots? And who places them? Not swingers, but people who are into collecting explicit pictures and people who are interested in exchanging hot fantasy letters. These are the individuals who respond to crotch shots and place them in magazines. You don't have to be a person looking for personal growth and friendship to be a picture or hot letter collector. In the days of magazine ads, couples wanting to learn more about the lifestyle would pick up a swingers magazine and see all those crotch shots, and mistakenly think that that is what they are supposed to do so they do the same thing. The same is true with the Internet. A new couple has no idea that they are inviting responses from everybody but the people they really want to hear from. A fully clothed or a waist-up nude photo of the two of you, will elicit far more response than all the crotch shots in the world. And, more important, you will get response from people who share your needs and desires. Sex in swinging only happens if there is some form of attraction between the people involved, and attraction is based on respect and comfortability. If you present yourself as a piece of meat, vis a vis a crotch shot, that is exactly the way you will be perceived and treated. Advertising in a swingers site or magazine is no different than advertising any product, only here, you are the product. By knowing who it is you are seeking in the market place to buy your product, you need to gear your product presentation to fit that market. If you want to use crotch shots, let's explore some markets you may be interested in, and gear what you do to getting maximum response from that market. First, you really don't want to swing, you want a hot and horny photo and communication exchange. By all means, use a crotch shot. That is telling people your psychological space. But also, since there are a lot of people out there who read the magazines and want the same thing, be direct in your descriptive material. Don't say you want to swing if letter exchanging is what you really want. Target your audience, and you will get it. “We are a white couple seeking hot and horny letters and photos of all kinds.” Second, you are the female part of a couple and you need ten times more sex than you can ever get at home. Your husband knows it and wants the safety of your doing it with him present, rather than running around on him. A crotch shot is fine here, too. You are looking for male organs, not relationships, and your crotch shot says so. Your ad should say it too. A magazine ad would say, "Looking for studs. The more the merrier, the bigger the better." You will get 500 responses a month, but at least you have targeted your audience. Third, you are a single man wanting to service horny housewives. Very few couples are going to endanger their relationship by creating a personal friendship with you. A crotch shot is OK, because that's all the horny housewife wants you for, and that's all her husband will let her have with you, strictly dates when he is present. Your magazine ad would say “W/S/M seeking couples or housewives.” An Internet posting would say the same thing. Fourth, you are a couple looking for a bisexual female. Females are tender, loving, stroking people, particularly with their own sex. And a woman turns on to a woman, not a female crotch shot. Use a slinky dressed or half-dressed picture showing your femininity. And be prepared, husbands, bi means two-way, not lesbian. Your wife may attract a response from a woman who has a husband who will only let her participate if he also participates with your wife. On balance, single women do not buy swinger magazines or surf the Internet for sex. If it‘s a couple, the response is handled largely by the man. You will mostly find that your bi girls are married and cannot go out on swinging dates without their husbands. Crotch shots are no good here. Fifth, you are a couple looking for another couple with whom you can become friends. A couple who are as concerned about protecting their relationship as you are concerned about protecting yours. A couple with whom you can feel comfortable sharing yourselves as a couple sexually. For this you need a picture depicting yourselves as a loving couple. You will attract exactly the people you are seeking if you describe yourselves as such. If in your written ad you write hot and horny words, they won't get you what you want. Say what you want exactly: "No singles, no one-night stands, looking for loving committed couples to share evenings of dinner, wine, dancing and sensual delights." You will get what you want. But, for heaven's sake, no crotch shots! Probably the most difficult area in the lifestyle is finding the people who share your interests and desires. Bad experiences come from finding yourselves with people whose expectations are far different from yours. Like any advertiser, you can reach your real audience by depicting yourself, which is the product, in the manner that will attract that audience. That means both the clarity of your wants spelled out in your ad and the kind of picture you use beside the ad. A crude picture will get a crude response. And please remember: swingers in appearance, education and vocation are a cross-section of America. Present yourself just as you are. Believe me, there are plenty of other individuals and couples who are looking for just what you are. Anybody who is looking for movie star glamour, is probably never going to swing. So just be you, and you are going to have a most fulfilling life as a swinger. Part 4 Women in Swinging Chapter 23 Male Misconceptions About Women in Swinging Nancy and I work very hard, and fortunately with a great deal of success, to teach women that they have the right of choice and the right of unchallenged "No" in the selection of their male swinging partners. We have equally successfully taught most of the men to accept "No" gracefully because the system works. It works because each of the men wants that right to be respected for their own primary partner, and therefore they have to offer it back to every other woman at the party. Otherwise the system would break down. In short, just because a woman is a swinger, does not automatically make her an achievable target for every male swinger. Sex is something you enjoy with a partner who turns you on, or who intrigues you. Women who submit to men who turn them off are exactly what bad experiences are made of. The same holds true in female-to-female encounters. Why do so many men think that female bisexuality is different? We are concerned to find that some men persist in believing that any woman can be bisexual with any other woman. They do not understand that a good bisexual experience is predicated on the same level of attraction and choice that is necessary for a good male-to-female experience. A woman needs to be turned on to another woman as she is turned on to a man, to make it a good experience. Worse is the manner that most men use to set up these situations. We have seen them, for example, sidle up to a series of women until they find someone who will say “yes”, and say to each one of them, "My wife would really love to go to bed with you." Do you know what has happened to that man’s reputation within a party or two? He is no longer looked upon as a neat possible swing partner. He is now categorized as a grungy pimp. Because that is exactly what he is doing, pimping for his wife, with or without her knowledge. And then there is the man who, in the hot tub or social area, takes a woman’s hand (coyly he thinks) and pushes it over onto his wife's breast or elsewhere, and then proposes that the three of them go off together. This person is not only a grungy pimp, he is an uncouth grungy pimp! This kind of behavior is not as rare as you might think in groups that offer no orientation, but it is not accepted in our group. And how do the women involved feel? Not only have they been robbed of the opportunity to find out if there is an attraction between them, which requires interaction without third party interference, but they have been set up for "show time" for this selfish male. He has never considered their feelings. He just wants to watch the show of his wife making love to another woman, and then somewhere along the line get into the act himself. How many women can have a happy experience when they know they are merely part of a show to please somebody else? Even their own husband? Being set up is not a positive way to start an encounter. We have seen many, hundreds in fact, really beautiful bi experiences between women unfold in our years of giving parties. But they have all evolved out of spontaneity and choice, which are the key ingredients in a successful swinging encounter. We have seen women choose each other just like men and go off alone to be intimate. We have seen women choose each other and invite one or both of the husbands to join them. We have seen foursomes where, after exciting heterosexual activity took place, the men retreated, gasping and out of breath, and the girls spontaneously started to play with each other. And sometimes in the group room without anyone's urging, the girls embrace each other. But in each case it is their choice, not the men setting them up. The bottom line is that if you are a man thinking about setting up your lady with other women, you are already on your way out. Not only are you marked, but at some point your own wife or girlfriend is going to resent you for taking her choices away from her. Believe us, from our perspective of many years as club leaders, female bisexuality happens. It is natural. Let it happen. Don't try to make it happen. Let your wife make her own choices, and the other women make theirs. Once you have a reputation as a pimp for your wife, you won't last long in our swing club, or in any swing club in the country. Chapter 24 Looking for a Bi Woman? There are some myths that seem to pervade the fantasies of many of those who profess interest in the swinging lifestyle. As a lifestyle, swinging is very viable and growthful for those who understand its realities. Nancy and I have been actively swinging, weekly, for thirteen years, and have been holding seminars for new couples to the lifestyle for ten years. Over 800 couples have attended our seminars. We also have an on-premise party club for couples meeting every weekend, so we have seen or heard just about everything you can imagine. Let’s deal with one of the great unrealistic fantasies of them all: the bi-girl looking for a couple. Pick up any swingers’ magazine you might have in your house and thumb through it. Fully 25% or more of the couples’ ads are asking for a bi female, and half of those are asking exclusively for a bi female with no male partner. Next, go to the adult bookstore at which you purchased the magazine that you have in your possession. Stand outside or inside the store for the time that it is open, from morning until evening. Do it for a couple of days. The rest of the days would be about the same if you watched for a longer time. The reality is that, except for an occasional girl accompanying a man, only men will be seen entering the bookstore and purchasing magazines. Oh, there is the rare exception, but they are few and far between Lesbian women are not interested in a relationship with a woman and her husband. And most bisexual women are more interested in finding their own relationship with a man than they are in being some couple’s toy. In any case, women who are interested in sex can find it at the work place, the market place, church socials, or anywhere. They don’t need a swing magazine to find a ready and willing sexual partner. When a couple advertises for a bi female, they are indulging in a futile fantasy 99% of the time. Why don’t they advertise for a single male? Because the male part of the couple is the eternal macho. He doesn’t want another man. No, they are looking for a single female. He may tell his partner he is doing it for her, but he is in reality setting up the whole thing for himself because he envisions himself having not one but two women in the sexual bed. He has the fun and excitement of watching his partner with another woman, then participate with both women himself, and he has eliminated any possible male competition. Since many female bi girl fantasy ads also suggest the possibility of the girl living with a couple in a menage a trois situation full time, think that through again. What person for long is going to be satisfied living as a number two person in a household where a relationship already exists? And, if there is any attempt to raise that person to an equal Number One, do you really believe the existing number one partner is going to accept that for long? Swinging from its earliest inception has worked as a fun sport for couples interrelating with other couples. Any time a single person has been injected into the relationship over any period of time, the results have invariably been disastrous to the relationship. If your wife is truly bisexual then, guys, get together with couples. You will find bi women in the couples scene. You will have to share your lady with her man, but you still will have the fun of another woman and the fun of watching her with another gal. But if you really want to live with the myth that you can find another girl for you and your partner, go ahead and try. The odds are less than one in a hundred that you will succeed, and if you do, you will probably lose your wife. Chapter 25 How To Get Your Lady Into Swinging You can’t have swinging without a woman. Women are the catalysts that make the lifestyle work. So where do the women come from? They come from couples where husbands or committed lovers have put forth the loving effort of talking their ladies into trying it, which requires some very gentle persuasion. As a man broaches the subject with his wife he may, at the beginning, be willing to share his wife a few times in a threesome situation with another male, but not for long. He too wants another woman. So every couple who begins their journey into the lifestyle as a threesome, sooner or later evolves to swinging with other couples, not singles. After dealing with over 800 couples who have attended our seminars on swinging for new and hesitant couples, and talking on the phone with another 800 men who want help and advice on how to get their wives interested, we recognize that the most difficult problem in the lifestyle is convincing the wife or girlfriend that it will be an enjoyable thing for her to do. The older woman who is approached on the subject of swinging usually attributes it to her husband’s middle aged madness. The younger woman cannot understand why he needs other women. Isn’t she enough for him? Every woman fears that her husband will meet someone in swinging that will fulfill him more than she does, and she will lose him. This insecurity is real. The first mention of swinging triggers an instant replay of those old tapes in her mind that say, “You’re not supposed to have sex outside of your relationship. If you do, you’re bad.” Then the emotional conflict begins. I am not ignoring the fact that there are many women who would leap at the chance for sexual expansion without risk, but for most couples the husband does face a selling job. We know many men who talked about it with their wives for two or three years before the lady finally agreed to try one encounter. So, let’s try to deal with this problem. To begin with, there are two categories of women who will almost never have an interest in swinging. First, if your wife or live-in companion has a very low sex drive or is essentially non-orgasmic and indulges you in sex for the sake of the relationship, there is little you can say or do to convince her that swinging would be an exciting thing to do. As a practical matter, we have found that 99% of all the women who have come through our seminar and hence into the club, thoroughly enjoy the sex act. On the other hand, if your lady has never experienced an orgasm, and there are many, be aware that, if you can get her into a swing club one time, there is a good possibility that she will experience her first orgasm with another man. If so, you have it made. She will want to go back for more, and you had better be prepared for her sudden interest in other men. The other category of women who will be next to impossible to convince includes that gal whose relationship is too insecure (in her mind), or the lady whose relationship is too new for her to be willing to share her husband or lover with anybody else, regardless of how highly sexed she might be. However, if the woman feels good about her sexuality, and feels secure in her relationship, you have a chance to win her over to the swinging lifestyle with little effort on your part. She will exhibit some shock that you desire sex with other women, and probably even more shock that you would consent to her having sex with other men. She will have to readjust her childhood morality training to accept the idea, but this is the woman who can be turned on to swinging. One of the best first steps to take as a man, other than a serious discussion which can back you into a wall, is to purchase one or two magazines and bring them home. Play a game with these magazines. First warn her not to pay any attention to the crude photos because that turns most women off to swinging from the get-go. Let her pick an ad that appeals to her, a man, a woman or a couple whom she can fantasize making love to, and then you pick out a woman or couple. Tell each other who you have picked. Then, each of you pretend, during your own lovemaking together, to be that other person. Fantasy can add another dimension to your own lovemaking. After a few of these fantasy sessions, a great deal of resistance will have been broken down and the excitement of expanding your sexuality to include others will start to take hold. Try giving your wife a back and neck rub prior to and during the fantasy lovemaking session. Begin your fantasy talk while stroking her. Woman are more tactile than men. She will appreciate your gesture even if it doesn’t do anything for you. The next step is to talk about it afterwards. Point out that what made the fantasy fun was sharing the experience rather than taking part in a secret affair and that, if you have an actual swinging experience, it will also be shared because in swinging you go to the place of the encounter together, you have the experience together and you come home together. At this time, you are still fantasizing. You are talking about “if”. If you actually did it, this is how it would be done. Then, if there is a couples swing club within a two to three hour distance from where you live, suggest that it would be fun to go and “just meet” some swingers. You probably should also agree not to swing on that occasion. You will find people just like you at any active swing club, same approximate ages, vocations, interests. Find out, when there, which man your wife or girlfriend could fantasize about making love with. Then talk to those couples. Tell them you really don’t want to swing at the party or social, but you would like to exchange phone numbers to set up a private date together. Then for the next couple of nights, play the fantasy game of making love to a couple from the club. The chances at that point are 80-20 in your favor that if you suggest really setting up a date with a couple she has already met, the answer will be “yes”. If there is no club near you, then answer ads in a personal contact magazine that covers your area. Correspond several times with potential swinging couples and clarify with them that your meetings will be “getting to know you” type meetings, with no swinging. Then she is not threatened. It is, at that point, still a game. Once you have met a couple to whom she is attracted, bring the attraction home with you and continue the fantasizing when you make love together. The only problem with magazine ads is, since you can only meet one couple at a time, you might have to go through four to ten couples to find that first right couple, but that can be stimulating as they feed your fantasies. At a club, the quantity makes it probable that you will connect with a couple the very first time. Your final way of doing it is to suggest attending one of the national conferences which, besides hosting several hundred couples and probably at least a few from your area, holds all sorts of educational workshops in the dos, don’ts and how to’s of the lifestyle. Using any of the above techniques, or a combination of all of them, will make your probabilities far greater of having your wife or lover say “yes”, than if you had just tried to talk her into it. Women do not respond to logic the way a man does. But they can be reached through their imagination, emotions and physical sensations. And, remember guys, if she won’t do it, you can’t do it. It is a couples sport. Chapter 26 Abused Women in Swinging According to a major survey released in the Tampa Tribune recently, one out of every four women in the United States was sexually abused as a child, either by a member of her family or by a trusted other person. Over the years we have heard the stories from many of them. Many others cannot talk about it. At a seminar recently, three of the eleven women present spoke of their childhood sexual abuse. So it is probable that the ladies in our club run close to that one-in-four factor of abused female children. Conversation with these women, even on the surface, indicates that the psychological effects of the abuse were devastating. As they grew into aware adolescents and adults, they all shared the same common feeling of having been betrayed and used, and they feel different from their friends, family and associates. The range of feelings we hear from those who were physically abused, are outright hatred of men (fear), to total loss of a sense of self worth from those who were used (for having permitted themselves to be used). Since good relationships are based on trust, these 25% of all the women in the United States have a real burden to work through. If from childhood men have abused you, how can you believe a man can be gentle, kind and satisfying? If you feel men have used you, how can you believe any man really loves you and only wants to please you for you, and not just for him? Then add to that, society’s admonishments, even if never heard out loud, and it is all compounded into a feeling of being unworthy, unwanted and, by the rules of society as we have been taught, a bad person. If you or I feel unworthy, unwanted and bad, we certainly suffer from a horrible lack of self esteem. The sad thing is that so many of these women give up sex and relationships altogether because they choose to blame sex and men as the evil force. They would rather live alone than face betrayal again. We do not pretend to be, nor do we want to be, therapists, But we are constantly amazed at the amount of therapy that occurs through the many types of situations that take place within this lifestyle we call swinging. In the particular case of the abused woman who had her head turned around as a child, we have seen some wonderful things happen. Women who had felt used, and thus had lost all sense of self worth and desirability, have found themselves in an environment where they were a wanted, desirable, beautiful person. Their confidence began to return as they realized that they were attractive to people and appreciated as a whole person, not just a sex object to be used. Their sense of self esteem grew as their sexuality blossomed under the guidance of a loving, caring man - many caring men, in fact. The woman who had been abused also finds the same things in swinging, but for them they find something even more. They find that the vast preponderance of men in the swing scene are gentle lovers who give women pleasure rather than abuse. They learn that they don’t have to hate men because of their insensitivity. They learn that most men are sensitive, and they can deal with the few who are not. They can learn to enjoy their own sexuality again rather than repressing it behind a wall built from negative incidents with someone they thought they could trust as a child. We cannot help but be pleased, ecstatic if you will, over the number of women who, while starting out in our group full of fears, trepidations and lack of self worth because of their childhood use or abuse problems, have found this a pathway to redeveloping their confidence and trust in their male-female relationship to the world. In a love club such as ours it really works. This is the reason why we continue to advise the men in swinging not to take a rejection personally, but learn to understand. You do not know what horrible memories may be lurking beneath the apparent friendliness of a woman. Women are really good at covering up past abuse. She is trying to be polite. As a woman she is naturally nurturing and does not want to hurt your feelings. But you really may look like the uncle who abused her for fifteen years and no matter how much her rational mind may tell her differently, her emotional recall says otherwise. She has a lot to overcome, and it may not be how you look. It could be something as innocuous as the music playing in the background at the moment you touch her that triggers her memories and forever associates you with her abusive uncle. Or it may only be the clothing that you are wearing, or the way you move, or your particular smell or mentality over which you have no control. We urge you for the sake of future swinging encounters, to go gently with the woman who seems to be ignoring you. Give her the benefit of your smile, your approval, your attraction to her to let her know that you are interested. But allow her the privilege of responding or not responding. It is in the "not responding" that she is really delivering you a profound, silent message. Please give her the respect of accepting it. She too is learning. Chapter 27 When Your Lady Doesn’t Want To Over the years we have had requests to attend our seminar from men whose wife or girlfriend rejected swinging on the first round. One letter recently said (the names have been changed): As you know, Sally and I were involved in last month's seminar and we were very nervous throughout the day. We both enjoyed it and thought it was very informative, however Sally felt that it wasn't her thing at this time. I, on the other hand, still feel that I would like to know more about it and get involved to understand it a little better. I talked it over with Sally and told her exactly how I felt at this time, and with her permission we were wondering if you would know of someone whom I might be able to come to the next seminar with as my partner? We wrote to this man the following answer: “Thank you for your continuing interest in our seminars. Since we truly believe in swinging as a couples lifestyle and that, as a couple, one’s relationship and marriage is enhanced through the interacting as a couple with another couple, we do not want to encourage you to return to the seminar alone. By so doing, you would move ahead of Sally. Your concepts of life would change and you would leave her behind. There is a real danger in your doing what you talk about doing. On the other hand, if you go out on dates without her, the same kind of danger exists in the potentiality of meeting new and exciting friends and leaving her behind. Your lives would grow apart. That is precisely the reason why we are advocates of couples swinging. We are not advocates of free sex, but we are trying to institute the proper understanding of what a relationship is all about. A relationship is not built by separating out. It is built by working through separate problems and trying to bring them together under a common understanding so both parties are happy. Since you want to try it so badly while Sally does not, then you should return to the discussion phase and try to work out a compromise. Compromise is where each one bends a little to reach a middle point. There is a little diplomatic negotiation in this, but it is quite possible if you will give it the effort. Perhaps Sally will consider giving you the chance of swinging just once and go along with it just once with the understanding that it will be only once, for the purpose of satisfying you. That could be considered a compromise with no expectation of continuing. Then you could resume discussion about it. Each one of you would be in a slightly different position to talk about it, with a different perspective to offer each other. This is the only way a relationship can grow. Otherwise, people move apart. This type of letter is received occasionally, where the wife truly believes she is doing the right thing by offering her husband to go ahead and experiment without her. This is a most dangerous thing to do. There is a high probability of a split in the relationship, and a possible divorce following shortly after. Once a couple has decided to go their separate ways in such an important area of their lives as intimate sexual relationships, it is difficult to turn back and rebuild. This lifestyle works because each couple treats this new adventure as a united adventure. They may have different preferences, but with communication and a willingness to work through it together, the successful lifestyle couple comes up with a workable solution, even if it is only doing it once a year. Chapter 28 Female Orgasms There are some misconceptions about women’s orgasms, no doubt prolonged by the women themselves as they fake their pleasure with their husbands at home. Women are not equal to one another in their anatomies. Each one is different, and it behooves men to understand this. Some ladies have never had a vaginal orgasm in their lives and may never have one. A long lasting man not only provides them with little real pleasure, but in most cases just tires them out. On the other hand, a woman who achieves orgasm vaginally would hope you could go on forever. It is important, as a man, that you learn to sense which woman is which. In the lifestyle, as you meet other women, spend some time in your foreplay working both her clitoris and vagina with your fingers, and be alert to her responses. It won't take long for you to find out what she needs you to do to make the encounter create maximum pleasure for her. Virtually all women like some amount of hugging and kissing beforehand to create the bond between you. Some even need a bit of body rubbing to relax. Ask the lady if she would like a neck or back rub. Most will say, "Yes", and we're not talking about an hour. Five or ten minutes ought to do it to put her in a relaxed and mellow mood. Few women want to just jump into bed and begin a sexual encounter with no preliminaries. But after that, you will find that all women are quite different from one another and quite individual in what it is that pleases them. When you start your foreplay with a woman you are doing two things. First, you are stimulating her so that she will want to play. You will note that most women at that point will occasionally reach over and squeeze your organ. They are not doing that for you. They are checking to see whether you are ready. Secondly, and most important, you are going to find out what brings her to orgasm. And, at that point you will find out that no two women are exactly alike. If you find that she comes vaginally, after giving her a couple of orgasms with your fingers and if you are long lasting, you can penetrate and give her a wonderful time. If you find she comes vaginally with your fingers, and you are a short-lasting guy, keep playing. Give her a little oral sex and when you sense she has had a sufficient number of orgasms, then you can penetrate and create your symphonic conclusion together to end the encounter. Now, if your explorations at the foreplay level have led you to the conclusion that the only way she achieves orgasm is with clitoral stimulation, be a realist. Reality is, no matter how big and long lasting your penis is, it isn't going to make her come. Don't let your ego get in the way of that reality. Play with her clitoris. Then go down and use your tongue. You thought your tongue was there for tasting food, but it is really there for pleasuring women. During this oral feast, remember you are not eating a five-minute hamburger. This is a gourmet dinner. So hang in there and enjoy for a half hour or more. When she is fulfilled and thoroughly orgasmed out, she will pull you up. Now it is your turn. You must remember you have made that lady really feel good. Most women will want to reward you by making sure that you feel as good as she does. Then, we have another inequality. There are those girls who, despite what you do with fingers, tongue or penis, are not going to climax. They do orgasm wildly and happily, but they need more to get over that hump. In our house on party nights you will find a sturdy electric vibrator with a rubber head beside every bed. They are not there as room decorations. We teach the men to put their egos away and remember that what they want is for the lady to leave the room with a smile on her face. After a good half hour of oral sex and you can tell she has not had an orgasm yet, ask her if you can use the vibrator on her. Few ladies will say "No" at that point. She wants to have that orgasm, and she will love you for being so considerate and caring. So, even in the area of women and orgasms, every one is a bit different. As a man, if you are perceptive and caring, you can create a wonderful experience for every lady you go into a bedroom with. As a consequence, you will receive a wonderful experience in return, as well as a reputation for being a good lover. If you think you have one single technique that works for all of your partners, you will probably be rated by most of the women as somewhere between a mediocre to terrible bed partner. But if you approach each new partner as a new mystery to be solved, and if you can adapt your skills to meet the diverse needs of each individual woman, you will be rated by all of the women as a great lover. Chapter 29 Swinging With Your Period A number of women in the lifestyle participate while on their monthly period, but only when they want to. If you are in your monthly cycle and your husband wants you to attend a swing event but you don’t, don’t be pressured into attending. You will be unhappy and you’ll make the other guests unhappy with your mood. But if you are OK with it and it does not bother you, go ahead and attend the party. You, as the woman, should make the final decision. It is the women who create a good party atmosphere by their willingness. If you can mix and mingle freely while you have your period, whether you actually perform overt sexual acts or not, then go ahead and attend the party to be sociable. Some women on their periods tell a man “No” when they are out of commission. Others will leave it up to the man, explaining that they are limited in what they can do but they are willing to cuddle and play at sex in other ways. Some women do participate to varying degrees. But if you are moody and surly, and find yourself resenting having to go to the party, then don’t go. Your mood will only sour the party and give you a bad reputation. If you do attend a party with your period and do not want to play sexually, then keep your panties on. That is the universal sign of being untouchable in the lifestyle. If a man does begin to flirt with you, respond quickly by telling him that you are limited in your ability to play tonight because of your period, but if you are willing to partially play, say so. About 50% of the men will take a rain check, and the rest will say that they don’t mind if you don’t. Part 5 Men in Swinging Chapter 30 Shy Guys Virtually every writer on the subject of our lifestyle puts an inordinate amount of time into women's problems. Women do have problems and those problems are worth discussing but, amazingly, the vast majority of women, once the decision to participate is made, rapidly adapt to the rules of the game and become increasingly more enthusiastic as time goes on. But what about the men and their problems? Very little space is given over to the men in swinging and the attitude adjustments they must deal with. Conservatively, among those couples who attended our seminar and became members, we have lost well over twice as many couples where the man began to develop problems than those where the woman found that she couldn't handle it. While some of those instances result from the man going into shock upon discovering what a sexual monster his wife becomes in swinging, and others drop out because they can't handle a diminishing performance ability that falls below their macho expectations for themselves, the biggest single reason why a couple drops out of the club scene is the "shy guy" syndrome. Since we have talked to many of the wives of these men who have decided to give up the party scene because of the shy guy syndrome, we find in every case a tremendous desire on the part of those wives for us to provide some help so they can get comfortably re-involved. The sad part is that many of these wives were the same ones who were brought into the lifestyle screaming and kicking by their husbands, and now they find themselves inwardly screaming and kicking as their husbands lead them back out of it. After twelve years of active club leadership and involvement we have discovered certain realities, and those realities can and should be shared. First and foremost, to each man at a party, everybody else at the party looks supremely confident and very much "with it". Each guy thinks he is the only one scared to death and afraid that he isn't going to score. The fact is, when a couple comes to a party or a social for swingers, 90% or more of those poor men are panicked out as soon as they walk through the door. Most men don't realize that, nor do the women either. They spend the whole drive to the affair getting themselves worked up to a panic state. But isn't that the way our upbringing has trained us to feel? Look back to the years when you dated, to when you met girls and then took them out. Try to make an estimated list of the number of girls you dated that you wanted to take to bed, and then make a list of those you actually succeeded with. If you were lucky, maybe you hit ten percent. The norm is closer to two percent. We are conditioned to failure. We expect it. With that male-oriented conditioning we fail to realize that the world of swingers is far different from that other world we were conditioned to deal with in our dating days. I don't know if any serious studies have ever been done, but if not, one should be tried. The question would be, how high is the percentage of marriages that occur because the man wanted to abandon the battle, the chase and the rejection, and settle into a non-competitive situation where acceptance rather than rejection could be expected? While the elements of attraction, love and common interests are certainly factors in who we choose as our marital mates, isn't the point that we determine we are ready to "settle down" partially the point where we are ready to give up the battle of the sexes for comfortability? Then, eventually, the time comes in that life of comfortability when we decide that we want and need the fun of sexual variety again, and our partners are willing to share that idea with us. We get into swinging and find ourselves, as guys, back in the battle again. Since we operate on those same old tapes we fail to recognize that swinging has nothing to do with that old world of ours. You have to start out in swinging with an entirely different concept. At a swing party, virtually every lady there came for the same exact reason you did. She wants to party. She wants to be asked. She is terrified that no one is going to ask her. The girls at our parties are sexually adjusted, exciting, orgasmic partners. Age, size, shape are minor considerations. If you are looking to go to bed with Glenn Close or a glamour queen, you have come to the wrong place here, or at any other swing club. But if the reason you are here is to have a warm, exciting encounter, there isn't a guy who comes to a party here that couldn't have ten of them. The girls do not come to a party to say NO. They are looking to say YES. Now girls, we want you to pay close attention to this because you can go a long way towards helping the guys get over their "shy guy" problem. There are three major ways the "shy guy" syndrome manifests itself. First, the guy who comes up to you ten minutes after he has come through the front door and asks point blank if you would give him a date for the first round is not really being pushy, he is just a shy guy who wants somebody to put him out of his misery fast. If he has been promised a 9 o'clock date, he can now relax and enjoy the party. And by your accepting him and saying OK, you not only have yourself a first round date, but you have saved him from what he considers the battle of potential rejection. Because if he gets two back-to-back No, thank you’s he will withdraw and suffer for the next two hours. Category two "shy guy" fades to the back of the room or to a chair or stool and stares over the crowd and hardly talks to anybody. His reflex action is based on the subconscious theory that if you don't ask anybody, nobody can turn you down. That guy needs desperately the help of the women to get him started. For some of you girls who have such fun at the Sadie Hawkins Day party asking guys, you can make any party Sadie Hawkins Day by approaching one or more of the shy guys. If you don't know who they are, Nancy and I will point them out. The third category of "shy guys" use their wives as buffers. He won't permit more than six inches to separate him from her. Where she walks, he walks. Where she sits, he sits. The problem is he has "buffered" himself right out of the party. Since we are all extremely relationship protective, we will avoid couples who are clearly more interested in hanging out together than mixing and mingling. We don't know if they have private things they are dealing with, which it appears to be to the passer by, so we are reluctant to interfere. That shy guy really needs his wife's help to get him started, and that's OK. In couples swinging we do help each other. But from a standpoint of making it work, he has to move away and give other men room to talk to his wife. Then she can respond with, "I'd love to but let's get your wife and make it a foursome". That will invariably work over half of the time. Two final comments on the subject. For those guys who really are having a difficult time dealing with the asking and possible rejection problems, which is very real and very legitimate, most all clubs including ours have group rooms which help shy people to get involved without asking. Watch the flow of a group room’s activities. When it looks like it is becoming active again, all you and your wife have to do is go in and lie down next to any other couple there and start loving each other. The rest will take care of itself. Obviously, if you do feel shy and can't force yourself to try anything at any time, nothing we can say here is going to change that. But if more of the ladies would recognize that there are neat guys at parties who have a hard time making approaches, and if you men would avail yourself of some of the opportunities that ebb and flow around you, you soon will have two or three girls with whom you have partied. And once that door is open you will find it easy to ask them again. Believe me, we are all shy guys! Some of us just don't look that way. It is no reason to quit. Talk to us, we can help you devise a strategy that will work for you. Chapter 31 The Single Male in Swinging Probably the most continuing debate in the swinging lifestyle is that which surrounds the role of single males in swinging, if there is one. Interestingly, a very good West Coast contact magazine in December, 1988, published some pertinent statistics on this subject. Sixty percent of their advertisers were single males looking for females or couples. Only 17% of the advertisers were, in turn, looking for single males. And all except two or three of those had lumped single males into a general category that included bi females and other couples. Very few were specifically looking for single males. In the now famous 1985 Miller Report on swing clubs, of the 10,000 responses received through the clubs, only seven percent were from singles including single women. So, the figures end up telling us something in a rough but probably pretty accurate way. Somewhere between 12% and 28% of the men interested in the swinging lifestyle as singles are ever going to have a successful encounter. These are pretty poor odds considering that men who work the "straight world" singles scene can make out 100% of the time, if they are persistent. Let's go back to the origins of swinging to try to develop an understanding of who really swings and why. We have documented history, dating back to biblical times and before, showing extramarital sex, multiple sex partners, and even orgies as facts of life that have always been part of the human scene, even when prohibited under threat of death. The desire for sexual variety has always existed, and therefore has only changed from era to era in terms of volume, but it has always been there in some form or other for people to act upon. The Roman era was the only period when something akin to swinging existed, when husbands and wives openly had sex in the presence of, or with the knowledge of, their mates. There was a slight revival in 17th century Europe of consensual sexual activity, but primarily throughout history sexual variety has been expressed in liaisons and extramarital affairs. In no sense could any of that be deemed a resemblance to the lifestyle we now call swinging. From the United States in the 1920's came the volatile combination of increasing popularity of alcohol with the speakeasies in urban areas, and the movement of the population from the farms to the cities, creating an atmosphere in which couples with trusted friends could swap wives and husbands and enjoy variety with limited risk. And the next morning they could always use booze as the excuse if they had conscience pangs. The problem that existed then was there was no network, so couples who found wife swapping a more satisfactory method than cheating were limited in their ability to seduce other couples. To be sure, it was a good way to lose a lot of friends just to gain an occasional couple to have sex with. It was not until the 1960's that the game changed. Along with the protest movements and anti-war issues came the underground newspapers, and the underground newspapers depended almost totally on personal contact ads for their advertising revenue. Now, for the first time, couples had a medium by which they could reach out, beyond the limits of their friends, to find new contacts and new adventures. You have to remember that singles have never had the problem. Singles have always had many avenues to reach out and meet members of the opposite sex. They make contacts at the workplace, the local night spot, bowling alleys, department stores, churches and the myriad other places where people meet. They need only one-on-one contact. But with couples it is not so easy. It takes four people to be simultaneously interested to create a swap scene, and that does not compute to opportunity. Opportunities did expand, however, during the underground paper era, for that's when the clubs began to appear. But even here the single man did not fit in very well. Clubs were discreet locations where interested people could meet face to face, and the first things the pioneer club owners learned was that it took women to make a swinging situation happen. Since most single women can get all the sex they want via private arrangements, very few unattached women attended the clubs, leaving only the women who were part of couples. And if the club allowed single men in, they might have 40 men and only 10 couples in an evening. This doesn’t work because the few women who were in attendance were not likely to be back, feeling “salivated over” like pieces of meat, and the men feeling outnumbered. Further, without the women, the club doesn't even have the 40 men. A single man is often heard to argue his case by saying, "But she came to have multiple sex partners!" And that is true. However, you have to remember something else. She wouldn't be here at all unless her husband brought her to the club. Why did he bring her? He brought her so they could BOTH experience sexual variety and he expects the other men present to also bring a woman for him. He, then, the husband, is there for the same reason the single is. He, too, wants one or more sexual experiences. This requires the same ingredient that the single needs: a woman. Hence, the delicate subject of "gender balance", a phrase often heard in swinging. He feels he is swinging with his wife or girlfriend as a sharing experience. They are there to both have fun. If one does, and the other does not, they won't be back. So, before he is going to share his wife with another man, he wants to be sure that the other man has a woman to share with him. While it is true that a number of couples enter swinging in the threesome scene, they don't stay with that scene long. The 12% to 28% percent of single guys who succeed in making a connection with a couple may indeed connect once or a few times. Nancy and I started our career in swinging that way, with a male friend. In theory it's a turn-on and in the beginning it really is a turn-on. But soon the husband realizes that he is doing all the giving and not receiving anything in return. And so they move on to the couples scene where he, too, can have the fun of variety. In the 1970's the underground movement died as the regular media took over the job of protesting, and so the underground papers died right along with it, leaving a great gaping hole for the people who wanted to continue their direct contact ads. Swing magazines evolved to cover that need and the growth of clubs took off like a shot. Swinging came out of the closet and blossomed into an organized lifestyle. As it did, two major cultural shifts happened to push the single male even further into the background of the movement, on top of the two already obvious strikes against him: (1) the need for sharing, something a single does not do, and (2) gender balance, something a single cannot provide. First, couples found that intimacy with another couple provided an amazing depth of social openness, and they began to develop friendships closer than they had ever experienced before. This is continually being expressed today in our club as well as in other clubs, and in the ads we read from other couples and in the letters we receive in response to our own personal ads. Sex is not the ultimate goal in swinging. Friendship comes first and sex is the glue to bind these new social friendships together with other couples who share similar circumstances, family, jobs, hobbies and other interests. Over 80% of the swingers we know have no interest in one-night-stand sexual encounters. They are looking for an enriched social life with other sexually free couples. This makes it tough for a single. The second cultural factor that reduces the popularity of the single male in swinging is the need for relationship protection. A husband or wife can feel comfortable with another couple whose relationship is also important to them. A single who has no relationship to protect rarely has much concern for the relationship of the couple he is with. He has no reason to care if, for example, it is getting on to 2 a.m. and the husband of the girl he is with is showing signs of impatience to go home. A single, not having a female counterpart to worry about, cannot identify with the worry that the husband is going through. He has only himself to consider. Without realizing it, he becomes a competitor to the other man, whereas another husband in the group would be sympathetic and responsive to his needs because he shares those same needs. A sense of community responsibility can be felt in a couples swing group, whereas in a group of single individuals who have no emotional investments to protect, the climate is somewhat different. As a couple gets into swinging they find. in most cases, that sex takes second place to the protection of the relationship, so they only want to deal in safe, relationship-protective environments. For most husbands, a menage a' trois with a single male is not a long-term relationship-protective environment. So, bottom line, after ten years of club operation we have concluded that, while it seems a bit unfair at times and no affront is intended to single men, many of whom are super neat people and great friends, organized swinging which is only 35 years old evolved as a couple's sport. And there is little room for the single male in the scene as it exists today. Part 6 Rules of Etiquette Chapter 32 The Rule of No Probably the key to 90% of all bad experiences in our lifestyle is doing something that you don’t want to do with someone you don’t want to do it with. That is why the Rule of No is the primary commandment in the bible of swinging. Whether it is a party or a one-on-one meeting with a new couple through a magazine, if you permit yourself to have a sexual encounter with somebody that you have no desire to have sex with, or permit activities to occur that do not please you, you yourself have created the bad experience. As clubs go, we have very few rules at our club. No drugs, no swinging until the doors close, no plastic glasses in the pool area, no smoking in the bedrooms, no crudity, no drunks, you have to attend the seminar, you have to prove yourself by having an encounter with someone else, and it is for couples only. But the most important rule of all, which to us is not a rule but a philosophy, is the Rule of No. Simply stated, the Rule of No means that each person has the absolute right of choice as to what he or she does with his or her body. That includes the right to choose who to have sex with, and equally, what to permit the other person to do once in the bedroom. You have a right to expect this universally, wherever you go in the swinging lifestyle. It is the basic rule that everyone understands. The Rule of No means that you are safe from having to be with someone you choose not to have a sexual encounter with. Swinging is a mutual consent activity. Following that is the responsibility to verbalize your choice. Since each of you as members of a couple, come to a party to have new experiences or to renew exciting contact with somebody you’ve met before, you assume a responsibility perhaps greater than you have ever had before. In accepting the right of choice, you accept the responsibility to tell people what your choices are. As an individual you come to a party to have a good time. Your responsibility is not to spare the feelings of men and women who desire you for the moment, but rather to protect your own choices. This does not guarantee that your choices are all going to work out, but at least you will not be dealing with situations that are not of your making. If you do not choose to go into a bedroom with someone, a simple “No”, or better yet, “No, thank you,” without explanation is sufficient. This rule is so important that when we first started using it as part of our program and writing about it, other clubs began to pick up on it. You will find most clubs today speaking of the “The Rule of No”. Whenever you say, “No, thank you” to a person who has asked you into a bedroom, or who has been pressuring you to accept them, the other party is expected to respect that decision on your part. If that person does not and continues to press you, a violation has occurred of the basic premise of what makes swinging work. It is important to be aware that, when using the Rule of No in swinging, the question “Why?” cannot be asked. If the person asks you, “Why?”, then you have every right to tell them the brutal truth. Asking “Why?” is forbidden in our club after someone has told them, “No, thank you.” The word is a bombshell. It either entraps the victim or backfires on the aggressor. If you ask, “Why?” you just might be sorry. You might be told you are too big and fat, or you are too old, or you smell bad. A simple “No” means you do not touch, follow, hold thoughts on, or otherwise press the person who said, “No” to you. It means you walk away and don’t look back because you want your own wife or partner to have that same privilege. We have to honestly say with some degree of appreciation, that 90% of our male and female members really understand and respect that a “No, thank you,” really means, “Tonight is not the night, go away.” And that 90% really will lay off for the rest of the evening and not create any problems. And there is the other 10% who occasionally don’t want to receive the message and will persevere in their attempt to get the person into bed. And there is a miniscule one or two percent who, without your permission, will try to physically touch you in private places, regardless of all of the things that you have done or said to discourage them in a nice way. The more serious area of the Rule of No is in the bedroom itself. There, people can be hurt or emotionally wounded. Let’s face a reality. There are many types of lovers and each type has counterparts who like the way they do it. Some men like to do things hard and rough, and that is the way some women like it. We know women who are aroused and stimulated from having their nipples bitten. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we know others who feel pain with a gentle tug of the lips. When you go into a bedroom with someone new, you will each be exploring the other and testing those areas that you do and don’t like. During this experimenting stage, no wrong has happened. Exploration is an exciting part of the sexual variety, which is what swinging is all about. But it is important to verbalize an “ouch” and a “No”. As a man, I have had women practically pull the skin off through biting or scratching. That kind of behavior hurts and I don’t mind saying, “Ouch, that hurts.” And they quit. And women have areas they don’t like poked at, some prefer gentle stroking to heavy squeezing of their breasts. Most women in our club have no problem telling a man how she likes to be touched and loved. They don’t really object to a man being more vigorous than they would choose, so long as it doesn’t hurt. The point is, that while exploration is the name of the game, unwanted pain or discomfort is not. If someone, male or female, does something you do not like, tell him or her. But we would suggest, instead of making it a total negative, simultaneously telling the person what you do like so they can be guided into more pleasant activity for you. The area of inflicting pain is not something to “wait and see” about. It is serious. If, after you have said, “stop” or “no”, a person persists in causing you pain and you cannot get away, then call for help. There is always someone nearby. This is usually caused by a misunderstanding, not by intent. An excellent example of a misunderstanding occurred in our club. A hard-of-hearing man was giving oral sex to a woman. When he began bearing down too hard on her, the woman squirmed and told him to stop, but she did not speak loud enough for him to hear. Instead, he misinterpreted her wiggles to mean that she liked what he was doing and he pressed down even more. The tragedy in that case was that, not only was the woman traumatized but the man was, too, when he later learned what had happened, for the husband blew it out of proportion and with the aid of a “best friend” couple, roused the group into a lynch mob before discussion could restore sanity. When speaking of the Rule of No, we must point out one exception where you do not have such precise control over what happens to your body, and that is the group room where there are multiple mats and multi-person activity going on. If something is happening to you that you don’t like in a group room, you can say “No” to a specific person or act, but you must expect to be continually touched. The group activity room has nothing to do with one-on-one love-making. It is a group room, and fantasy fulfillment takes place there in numbers. If the sexual fantasies and activities are overlapping into your area and you do not like it, then essentially the only way to handle it is by getting up and moving to another area. When you go into a group room, you must expect to be touched. In all other areas, the Rule of No leaves no room for doubt, but you must take responsibility for uttering the magic word, No. We have known couples who have not come back to parties because of their abhorrence, fear, or other negative reaction caused by the actions of one man or one woman who couldn’t understand, “No, thank you!”. It reminds us that there is one more layer of responsibility that you have to take. You cannot permit yourself to be driven out of a group where there are eight, ten or twenty couples that you enjoy just because of the actions of one person. The ultimate responsibility for a good time is yours, not the club owners or the hosts. If a person does not listen to your No, there is a two-tiered course of action that you can take. And if you do this, you will have very, very few negative experiences. Your openness and sensitivity is the most important factor in your happy participation in any group. If there is a crisis because of somebody who does not understand, “No, thank you”, you have to be willing to look that person in the eye, male or female, and say, “Look, you are a very nice person but I have no desire to go to bed with you tonight, tomorrow, or ever, and I would appreciate it if you would not ask me or touch me again.” Number two: If at that point the person still is so obtuse that they do not get your message, then you must go to the person in charge and tell them exactly what happened. In a worse case scenario, yell out loud enough to cause attention to your situation. Something like, “I said, No! Now, leave me alone!” You have every right to defend yourself against an aggressive suitor. No one likes to call attention to them self by causing a scene, but if every other tactic you have tried does not work, then take whatever action is appropriate. We recommend that a lady try all else before telling her husband, however, because that could result in a fist fight. But obviously if all else fails, the husband must be told. Do not remain silent. An assertive person trying to get away with something, counts on the one being pursued remaining silent. Don’t remain silent. You must take the responsibility of dealing with the people you do not want to have sexual experiences with. The Rule of No exists in most couples clubs, and the owners will step in when you ask them to. But, unless you have used the Rule of No yourself, there is little that they can do to back you up because they are not there to fight your battles for you. The rule is real and it is enforceable, and if you have a bad experience because you failed to use it, please don’t blame the club or others. You did it to yourself. It is truly the first and only commandment of the swinging lifestyle. The Rule of No exists for the discriminating swinger who wants to swing with select people. If you are up front with that choice, situations will never deteriorate to the drastic measures mentioned in the story above, where the lady’s voice was too meek and mild. Decline with honesty and permanency if your choice is not to go with that person. The heaviest pressure at a swing party comes when you give mixed signals and say, “Maybe later”, or “Not right now”, when you really want to say, “No, never!” If you try to evade a person, hoping that they will move on, forget it. They will target you for the rest of the night, hoping for “later” to arrive, and you will find yourself under pressure the rest of the evening. Be forthright and know that you have the right to choose who to go to bed with. There is more kindness in being truthful than in being deceitful. Not all clubs enforce the Rule of No. Commercial clubs will probably not, but parties in private homes generally do. In looking for a club to join, ask whether the Rule of No is enforced at that club. If they seem not to understand what you are talking about, then you know it is not. If they say yes, definitely, that means they probably do enforce it, or at least tell their members about it. But a club owner cannot know when something or someone is bothering you unless you tell them. And the person who is making you uncomfortable cannot know unless you tell them. So be sure to verbalize your feelings. People are not mind readers. Chapter 33 Beware Laying Rules on Each Other The reality at our club is that over 50% of all of the couples who have dropped out of the lifestyle have done so because of rules that one or the other has imposed on their partner that were impossible to keep in the flow of an encounter. When a couple is struggling to define their own swinging code of behavior, they will often develop rules for each of them to follow. But based on years of experience and observation, we would say that it is fine to have preferences as to styles of swinging and choices of partners, but when these preferences become cast in granite as rules, never to be violated, that's when the problems begin. The reality is that a swinging party is an extremely exciting, emotionally stimulating affair. When an individual gets caught up in the flow of the activity, it is difficult to remember all of those rules. And, unfortunately, when one or the other of a couple forgets one of the rules in the heat of the moment, stress, anger and huge emotional reaction is many times created in the other partner. We have seen this manifested in terrible confrontations and arguments between the couple, with them tearing out of the party in anger, still verbally beating each other up. Maybe this alone should tell those couples that they should ease back on their rules and give each other a little more freedom to explore separately. The preferences can and should remain. But if it is not a rule, it can't be broken. And thus, no violation of trust can occur which is the basis for anger. However, there is another manifestation of this rule-breaking phenomena that is even worse than the couple erupting at each other. And this manifestation creates third party victims. This is not fair or right, yet happens all too often. To illustrate: You are a couple who have made a rule that you will only party together. The evening is wearing on and, for whatever reason, you have not been able to locate another couple who attracts you who also want to swing together. But one of you finds an individual who really turns you on, and because your partner is in the hot tub and can't see what you are doing, you can't resist. You decide to go for it. The person you have gone off with is totally unaware that any rule exists between you and your partner. About thirty minutes later, your partner realizes you have been gone for awhile and after looking for you and not finding you in the social areas, starts to check the bedrooms. Sure enough, you are discovered having a wonderful time in a bed with another person. Feeling anger and betrayal, your partner comes roaring up to the bed screaming and yelling at you. If you were the only person in the bed, the effect on the party would not be quite so bad. But, what has also happened is that you have hurt an innocent third party deeply, destroying all fun for that person for the rest of the night. Invariably, that other person thinks he or she was the one who did something wrong. In the shock of finding a tirade going on, it is hard to realize the problem was your problem, not theirs. There is nothing less considerate or insensitive that you can do than to lay a problem that exists between you and your partner, on a third person. We have seen people absolutely devastated after being caught in the middle of an emotional outburst between a couple. If you have been caught as a victim of such a situation, realize when it is not your fault or problem. And if you are a couple who has laid rules on each other of this nature, please relax them. You will become a better swinger with whom people will feel more relaxed around. At the very least, we would suggest that if the flow of the party creates a situation that could lead to one of you going off alone, go and tell your partner what you intend to do. If the confrontation happens then, at least there will be no innocent victims. Your partner may well say, OK, in which case you have not created a breach of trust, and no confrontation need occur. This is the same type of problem that cheating causes in the straight world. It is not having sex with someone else that is the killer. It is the sneaking off and the resultant breach of trust that is felt when your partner discovers the act. In swinging, if you have rules that sooner or later will be broken, and they almost always are, it is a form of cheating. No rules, no problems. Few rules, few problems. But please, don't create innocent victims. If you want to fight, do it afterwards. This problem is very common and does not need to be. It is so much more fun to allow your partner the freedom to explore within the parameters of the party location. Let's run through some of the more routine rules a couple can lay on each other so you can better understand. These are, in many cases, just as applicable to a one-couple encounter as a party. First and most common is, "We only want to swing as a couple with another couple." That is a neat wish, and sometimes it works. But even though swinging is largely a couples-only activity, a couple is made up of two individuals, each of whom have their own level of turn-on. And the reality is often that one of you is turned on to the husband or wife, and the other of you has no interest whatsoever in the opposite person. This rule brings you down to two choices. You either say, "No way", in which case you have a disappointed spouse on your hands or a disagreement on the way home, or you give in to the situation reluctantly, in which case you are ready to quit swinging after it is over. It is a rule with a lose-lose ending. Then there are those who say, "If his wife won't go with me, you can't go with him!" The problem here is the wife may really want to go with him, more so than anyone else at the party. So again, one of two things will happen with this kind of a rule in a free and spontaneous swing party. In the flow of the party she does indeed go with the man she is attracted to, and she and her husband end up having a terrible fight. Or she obeys his rule and does not go with him, and because she is not having fun she decides she wants to quit swinging. Again, a rule with a lose-lose result. Another one is, "Until I find someone to party with, you can't party." We have seen some women dissolve into tears over this one. She has turned down five great invitations to go to bed because her old man is holding court on the patio talking to the boys about race cars or boats, and it is already 11:30 p.m. Or a corollary of that one is, “You can only go with as many guys as I have women." Here, around midnight he has had two encounters and he walks into the group room and finds her with three men. Most of us in swinging don't count, we just enjoy what is happening at any given moment, but this guy counts. And believe me, she wishes she didn't have to drive home with him tonight. It is a rule with a deadly outcome. The moral of the story is that it is always perfectly OK to have things you would prefer to have happen, but reality is that many times it just doesn't work out that way. When you change the word “preferences” to “rules”, the only possible outcome is a problem. In our examples above, there would be no problem if the husband or boyfriend said, "Let's give it until 9:30 to see if we can find a couple we both want to go with. After that, you can do your own thing." Or instead of saying, "If Alice won't go with me you can't go with Joe," he suggested “If you go with Joe maybe you and Joe together could convince Alice that she could have fun with me.” And for heaven's sake, if you are out of sync with the party or don't feel like participating, don't force your spouse to sit out the party, too. Yes, we are all couples. We want to keep it that way. But in terms of sex drive, attraction to people of the opposite sex or energy on any given night, we are all individuals first. At home, in the workplace, at restaurants and other places, we respect each other's individuality. What is so different about a swing party that all of a sudden one or the other has to control the actions of their partner? If you want to have fun in swinging, tear up your rule book and let each other go. You will get your preferences at least half of the time and maybe more. Chapter 34 Release Your Partner at the Party Everyone of us in the couples scene is protective of our partner. We want him or her to have a good time, and stand ready to intercede if a situation should arise that our partner can't handle. But we have observed a number of cases of what we can only define as "over-protective". All too often the couple who have wrapped themselves in a blanket of over-protectiveness end up having a lousy to mediocre time and don't understand why. Let me paint the scenario. Ralph & Kathy have come to the seminar and now they are socializing at the party, all nervous and excited with anticipation. Ralph has agreed to himself that he won't leave her side until she has been asked by another man and so he sits and waits. They take a chair in the corner of the patio and huddle together waiting for a man to approach and ask Kathy. After awhile Ralph gets a little antsy. He would like to ask a lady but won't until Kathy is taken care or. So he sticks by her while Kathy wonders why she is not being approached. She knows she is fairly attractive to men. Then why aren't they coming over to ask her? Ralph & Kathy sit there and watch the activity around them. The men who feel OK about their mates are floating around talking to women who, by circulating as individuals, have signaled their availability. In a couples-only balanced gender party, almost always everybody gets asked sooner or later. Except, and this is a big exception, those couples who have put a clinging wall around themselves. People don't approach a couple who seem content to only be together. From a man's standpoint, I would never break into a couple who have clearly chosen to isolate themselves from the group whether they are physically removed to a corner or standing as a closed-circuit in the middle of the crowd. I look to a woman who has not tied herself into someone else. Nancy wanders around as her own person talking to those men who seem free of other encumbrances for the moment. They have signaled they are available. Men hesitate to approach a woman, no matter how attractive she may be, if she seems totally tied up and engrossed with someone else, including her husband. And while this may not be the case at all, that is how it appears to the other people. Likewise, if the husband has committed himself not to talk to anyone else until his wife has been asked, no other woman wants to approach him either. He is signaling that he is not free to party. Moral of the story: release each other once you are at the party. The environment itself is protective. She is a big girl. You both will have more opportunity to talk to people, to ask and be asked, if you make it clear to the others that that is what you want. Sure, Nancy and I get together at the snack bar or for a short talk just to see if the other is having a good time, but again, we break apart to drift into other groups or to talk to someone sitting alone. It is like the waves ebbing and flowing. If you huddle together protecting each other from the ebb and flow of the party, the party may well pass you by. Chapter 35 Hovering This is similar to the previous chapter, but goes one step further. Hovering is caused by a couple where one or the other is insecure and does not want to let their primary mate go and have fun. They are suppressing jealousy, jealousy that the other is so much freer than they are. They are pretending to go along with the swinging but they have set rules and restrictions on each other. They are also the ones who start out wanting threesomes and are quite defensive over the requirement that it is healthy to be able to break apart and let each other swing separately. Treat this problem in a caring way. Hovering takes place when one part of a couple is reluctantly trying to separate out but they are still insecure, needing and wanting to be included. The insecure person stands behind doors waiting for his partner to finish. His or her presence is felt. This person will sometimes come in and break up a scene, sometimes expressing anger at the party. He or she intimidates the other guests and causes people to not want to have an encounter with the spouse who is really nice, loose and a great swinger. But the fact that the husband or wife is hovering nearby, seething, or perhaps from a distance watching, causes people to shy away from both of them. This couple, where one is insecure, should sit down and talk deeply about the matter. The freer of the two should encourage the other to reach out and risk himself or herself at parties, and help where possible. They will grow more confident as they succeed. And succeed they will if they don't give up, despite the seemingly overwhelming odds. Don't be too protective. Just don't let them give in to low self esteem which is an inherent danger in everyone. That is the gremlin in the mind that says at the first sign of a put down, even though it may not be intended as a putdown, "See? I told you so. Nobody wants me!” Low self esteem is a turn-off. It causes a black auric cloud around the person. When self esteem is on the rise people begin to notice, though they don't know why. Success breeds success, while low self esteem breeds a downward spiraling action into the dregs if allowed to continue. You are not a nobody. You are a human being who feels, thinks and cares. You are an individual with all of the sensuality and sexiness that you see in others. You just have to exercise it with more delight. If you are the freer one of the two of you, help your partner by not giving in to their possessiveness but through affectionate touches throughout the evening reminding them that you care and that you’re there. But urge them to go exploring among the party crowd.. Urge them to take chances. Swinging is reality therapy. It brings out the truth in people but it requires risk taking. Help your loved one in their personal growth. Help them to expand in order to develop a higher self esteem. When they come back to you dejected, lift their chin and help them to say (out loud). "Ah, I didn't want them anyway. It's their loss, not mine. I have a lot to give and if they can't see that, they don't deserve me. I will give my feelings to someone who deserves them." That’s the victory over the little gremlin of dejection inside the mind. And when that happens, urge them to go and take another risk. Help them to go away from each party with a higher self esteem, and you (the freer one) will have helped your partner to grow. Chapter 36 Tickets Our club holds a special niche in the swinging environment for it has always been a closed-membership club where all members were willing to share their partners, and their partners were willing to fully participate in heterosexual activities with members of the opposite sex. Many clubs do not require this. We are unusual and rare as clubs go. We are the only school for swingers you will find in the lifestyle, so it puts us in a special category. People who attend typical commercial-type clubs or house party clubs, may assume that you both participate and hope you both participate, but they do not go as far as we do in requiring it. To us, the lines are clear: a man who wants sexual favors with other women, be it alone, in a threesome or in the group room, but who will not permit his woman to have sex with other men, is considered a “single”. A woman who wants to have sex with other men but does not want her man to have sex with other women is also single. This is a couples club not only in the framework of gender balance, but in terms of activity at the parties. One clarification that is important is in the oral sex area. As long as it is pre-declared, sexual sharing can involve pure oral sex on persons of the opposite sex. There are men who for physical reasons just cannot get it up. They are fully participating if they have oral sex with women. There are women who for various reasons cannot handle penetration sex from other men, but as long as they give oral sex to completion they are fully participating as sharing partners in the club. Does this mean that you can never have a two-girl, one-guy threesome, or vice versa? Of course not. We want you to be able to enjoy all of the forms of swinging that fall within the realms of health and safety. What we will not accept is a couple that will only do threesomes with another girl, or another guy. This takes participants out of the game and throws the gender balance off. How active are you required to be? It is important to understand that nobody counts. It really does not matter if one member of the couple has five encounters in the course of an evening with people of the opposite sex, and the other has only one, as long as there was the one encounter. We recognize that a substantial number of the women in Club Sensitivity still have their monthly periods. If the woman is not in pain and is physically comfortable enough, she will find that many men have no problem at all having sex during that time of her month if she pre-states the fact. If she is uncomfortable but still wants to come and socialize with her friends, we feel that that is OK, but her husband really should consider not participating also, except for the group room where gender balance is not as important. Concerning feminine cycles: over the years, every once in awhile we have had a woman who has managed to use the excuse of a period every time she came to a party so that her husband could gain entry to the party. We call this type of person a “ticket”, where the woman does not intend to participate. In some situations a ticket can be a man who accompanies a woman. Again, gender balance is required in this activity. If one women is seen sitting on the sidelines on a regular basis, party after party, while her husband is never seen in the social areas, that couple, especially the woman, will become the subject of gossip. In a lifestyle of such open sexual activity, one who sits out all the time cannot help but be noticed. Eventually, we will warn those couples whom we feel are tickets that they must either become active or not come to parties. Chapter 37 Say What You Want to Say In swinging, your absolute first responsibility as an individual is to have a good time for yourself. After several swinging occasions, if you don’t have a good time, you will not continue. Only you as an individual know specifically that which you do like to do, and that which you don’t like to do. And, in the gray area of those things you have never tried, only you can determine if you like it or don’t like it in the first couple of minutes. There is very little to be gained and much to be lost in terms of your psyche, in being a "good guy" and going along with something that is painful, unpleasant or demeaning to you as an individual. But, there can be no such thing as an effective Rule of No unless you as an individual take the responsibility for exercising it when it is appropriate. In short, 95% of the bad experiences in swinging are a direct result of a failure to communicate desires or limitations. We have seen any number of cases where we have lost a couple to the club because of an avoidable bad experience or two. For whatever psychological reasons, some people will forget all of the good times they have had and only remember the unpleasant one. We have had women tell us they were hurt in an encounter, only to find that sex with their legs up always was painful, or having it doggy fashion let a man thrust deeper than was comfortable. Yet, knowing this these women permitted a man to pull their legs up or enter from the rear. They refused to take the responsibility to tell their sex partner what hurt them, and thus they created their own bad time. In reverse, we have had men hurt by women who were rough with their hands or teeth in oral sex, when it could have been avoided by a simple, “Ease off, that hurts!” What is sad is that the person who doesn’t say these natural thoughts out loud, compounds the problem. Your partners want to know how to make you happy. They do not want to hurt you. So in the end, you have had an unpleasant experience and your swing partner has left you feeling that something was wrong but not knowing what it was. And they will forever carry that wonder around with them until it has been satisfactorily explained. If you prefer to swing one-on-one without your primary partner, tell the person you are talking to early on. If you don’t, you may be wasting an hour of his or her time, as well as your own if, after you have made a decision to get together for some intimacy, you find that he or she only swings with his or her primary partner present. Of course, it could be the same in reverse. You may only swing with your primary partner present, and you may momentarily forget that fact in the middle of a stimulating conversation and suddenly he or she wants to go to bed and you have to pull yourself back, mumbling something unintelligible. Say what you want to say clearly and out loud so there is no confusion about it. There is nothing wrong with starting out a conversation with, “Hi, my name is Cheryl, and I only swing with my husband. What’s your name?” This could be the start of something beautiful at a swing party. You won’t have any bad experiences if your partners know your space and you know theirs. In fact, it is desirable. If you are too tired to go back to a bedroom shortly after a previous encounter, don’t be coerced. Say it like it is. If you don’t like someone coming up behind you and squeezing parts of your anatomy without invitation, for heaven’s sake, tell them you don’t like it. If you don’t want a bi-experience and you’re asked to participate in one, tell the person No. Don’t get into something you don’t want. And if you DO want a bi-experience, ask for it. For most of us in swinging, our guidelines are built unrealistically upon what our husbands or wives like. It is easy for me to assume that if Nancy likes it, all the other women will like it, too. Most of the men and women in swinging want to be sensitive, but we tend to do that which works at home. So if you want a partner to treat you the way you enjoy it the most, and not do the things you enjoy the least, you must take the responsibility to tell them exactly how you want it. We do get tired of listening to complaints after the fact, especially when we ask, “Did you tell them?” and we get a “No” for an answer. If you will learn to say what you don’t want and ask for what you do want, men as well as women, you will have 99% great experiences. And so will your swing partners. If you have a bad experience, other people are not responsible. The club is not responsible and your partner of the night is not responsible. You are responsible because you failed to get your point across. Say it out loud! Chapter 38 Exchanging Phone Numbers We have had many instances of couples finding themselves receiving unwanted and repeated phone calls from other couples to whom they have given out their phone number at a party. We believe that numbers are being exchanged far too freely at our parties, without any real thought as to the consequences by the couples involved. There are many couples you will meet at a party whom you enjoy socially or intimately, but with whom you really have no desire to spend hours on the phone or to set up dates. These are party friends, and should never under any circumstances be given your phone number. Why not? Because they have every right to assume that, if you have given them your phone number, you want to be called or you want to set up a date. Now there you are, having given this other person or couple your phone number, being called persistently and you become more and more annoyed. How do you get off the hook? You want to be nice and not have to tell the person to bug off. You are in an awkward position, but one you created all by yourself. Granted, the caller from the other couple should be sensitive to the fact that you really aren't interested. But, unfortunately, most of us are so caught up in our own wants and needs, that we often don't recognize the obvious. So, what is the solution? Treat a request for your phone number just like you would treat a request to go to a bedroom. The Rule of No is applicable in the same way. Even if they offer you their phone number, say, "I’m sorry, we don't give out our number." Or to put a softer touch to it you can add, “I have to discuss it first with my wife.” The only time you should ever give out your number is to a couple that you truly want a get-together with soon. Otherwise, under no circumstances give your phone number to anybody, no matter how much they beg you. Only you can protect yourself from telephone calls. If you are the one who has been doing the calling and have been continually evaded in response to a request for a date for the four of you to get together, take a hint. They do not want to develop a relationship with you and are probably wishing you wouldn’t keep calling. There could be any number of reasons why they are declining you now, after giving you their number. Either one or the other does not feel sexual chemistry; the man reminds the wife of a former abuser; the woman reminds the husband of a former abuser; there is a jealousy issue in your particular case on the part of one; the man is too pushy; the woman is too pushy. You will never know why you are being turned away unless they choose to tell you. But one thing is for certain: by continuing to call them you are only making matters worse, not better. Soon they will start talking about you. Stop calling and enjoy the other couples you have come to know. Chapter 39 Agree on a Quitting Time Let's talk about one of the most frequent causes of conflict at swing parties leading to fights within the relationship. Simplistically it revolves around quitting time. Every party we have ever had has had at least one incident built around quitting time. When do you both stop the sexual activity and call it a night? At one party recently a husband went into a bedroom where his wife was occupied on a floor mat with several other people, and pulled her out by her feet. He wanted to go home and she obviously did not. It is a shame if both of you have a most wonderful party only to ruin it at the end of the evening because you did not get your “going home” signals straight. I can't count the number of times that Nancy or I or both of us have sat with a fully dressed member who had thought his or her partner was ready to leave, only to find out that that partner had slipped back into a bedroom for one last encounter. An hour later we have one upset person on our hands. I would not like to be that person's spouse on the drive home. To pre-set quitting times is foolish because you don't know when you will be ready to go home. However, to ignore your partner's desires is inconsiderate. To pull your partner out of a bedroom is really inconsiderate because it affects other people too. So what should you do? You should agree between you that, when one of you wants to quit or go home or, if sleeping over to go to bed, that that will be the end of the party for both of you unless otherwise agreed upon. If you decide you want to quit while your partner is in a bedroom, let him or her finish. Don't interrupt. But once the desire has been communicated, for goodness sake, don't go back into a bedroom. That is real lack of respect for your partner's desires and he or she has every right to be upset. Bottom line, when you go to a party, agree that you will both check in with each other as the night wears on, and each of you will stop if one of you wants to do so. Once the desire to stop has been communicated, neither should again try to party. That is quitting time and should be honored. Do this and you will have eliminated one of the biggest sources of fights between members of a couple. Why have a party ruined over something that is so easily worked out? As you become more experienced in this lifestyle and understand each other better, the quitting time conflict tends to become less of a problem. Chapter 40 The Reality of Cliques In 1982 when we had only one party a month for our seminar graduates, no guest couples were allowed. Three years later we still had only one party a month, and perhaps ten of the original forty couples who started with us were still active in the club. All of the others were newer members. By the end of that third year we were becoming quite disturbed by the amount of cliquing we were noticing. Now what is a clique? It is simply a defensive wall put up by a small group who do not want to be invaded by people they might feel uncomfortable with. Since we didn’t like divisions and cliques as a matter of principle, we started watching to see what the problem was. What we discovered was that the ages of the couples attending our one party a month ranged all the way from the early 20's to the late 60's, and everybody was going home a little unhappy. Why? Because the older men were attracted to the younger women and they were getting systematically rejected. The older women were going home unhappy because the men of their own peer group who should have been asking them to go to bed but were not, were not having any fun at the parties either. Neither the younger men nor the older men were asking them. And last but not least, the younger women were going home unhappy because they were spending their time hiding under the desk or in the bathrooms trying to get away from the men who were chasing them. This was the beginning of the cliquing up. The younger people formed the protection of a clique in order to block out those who, in their eyes, were harassing them. We realized that this was not homogeneous for the club. It was fragmenting the group and was uncomfortable. So in 1983 we started our yuppie group. First it was for those under 35 and then as couples grew older and had birthdays, it became the “under 40’s” group and it has remained there. Since then, we have lived with a lot of criticism and griping from some of the older couples about it, but our reality is that with this program we have virtually eliminated any cliques in the club. The older guys do not have rejection problems any more, the older women now are getting asked and the younger women no longer have to hide under desks. Now, we'd like to point out that "old" versus "young" is the not the real issue here. People are not being ostracized because they are older by age than the others, but because they are carrying around old, outdated ideas about swinging. Sex is a matter of attraction and you can't assume that "a swinger is a swinger is a swinger". The idea that a swinger will go with anyone else just because they're a swinger, has got to be abolished. The old wife swapping days are over. It has served its time and we have grown beyond it. In those days in the 50's and 60's when wife-swapping was the exciting thing to do, everybody in the group was expected to go with everybody else. It was the ground rule that each wife had to sleep with each of the other husbands, and vice versa until one complete round was accomplished. Then they began the circle all over again. This was done to avoid rejection. There was no such thing as rejection. Everybody was included. We are now two generations later. The swing culture has changed. The rules of swinging are different. Even the name has changed. It is no longer called "wife swapping". Memory of the way the game was played twenty and thirty years ago is causing a conflict between the generations. It is not physical age that is the problem, for we have observed a few older couples who are totally accepted by the younger people. They are the ones who have yielded to the new way. What is the new way? When young couples join a swing club today, such as ours is, they are told that they have the right of choice as to who they have sex with, and how. Respect has taken the place of expectation. The Rule of No exists today. The women are encouraged to go only with those people they have a feeling for. That directly contradicts the way the game used to be played where everyone was expected to go with everyone. The old way must yield to the needs of the younger people or they will not remain with our club. Instead of imposing our ways on them, we have learned to listen to them so that we as a club can grow and change and keep up with the times. The generation gap exists only when older people don’t listen. Age becomes wisdom only if it is flexible and can communicate. Allowing an Under-40’s group may hurt the feelings of some of the older people, but it has brought harmony to the club as a whole. Those couples who have been swinging for many years come to a swing party expecting to have their pick of the lot, expecting that all women will go with them if they ask them. And they are hurt when they are turned down. They wonder why. We often hear an older man say, "It shouldn't be this way!" These expectations are understandable, but they must re-learn the game. Every sport has its update. When you learn a game one way and nobody tells you when the rules have been changed, you play a bad game. In swinging, the rules have been updated, or at least are in the process of being updated, all across the country. Though no other club that we know of in the United States or Canada segregates the parties by ages, it really does work for the vast majority of couples in our club. There is an open party where members of all ages can attend, and there is the under-40’s party. And there are some younger couples who actually prefer the older couples and come to the open parties. They find themselves more popular and wanted than by their own peers. And some day, if and when everyone understands the new ground rules, it is possible the divisions won't be needed anymore. Then we can integrate all ages once more. When we started the yuppies parties, 50% of the club were over age 50. Ten years later 85% of the membership was 49 or younger, with our median age about 39. Our reality is, that while it may hurt a few egos, it helps the majority. Since 1983 we have not had cliques in Club Sensitivity. That's more than most clubs can say. And as long as we are on the subject, there is another type of clique that forms inside a club like ours that we would like to tell you about. Over the years we have watched many couples come into the club and then disappear and not return after a period of time. We learned to accept it because, for each couple who leaves, as sad as it is, there are other new couples coming along to rejuvenate and renew us. What is unhappy to us is to watch couples develop a little group of special friends and limit themselves to that group. When that happens, they are unable to cope with the changes that inevitably takes place with the passing of time because those friends will leave eventually. They always do sooner or later, and we watch the reaction that always happens as a couple feels left behind and alone in the midst of a group of happy partiers, and finally they come to a party for the last time. We see this happening all the time, and it is unnecessary and wasteful. Not for us, but for them. Our lifestyle is a minority one, perhaps embracing two percent of the couples in the United States. It is social recreation, just like bowling. If you were today to put together a group of couples to go bowling once a month, at the end of two years you would have only two or three couples left of the original group. The others would be long gone with new members taking their place in line. Would you quit the bowling team if your friends left? If your friends stop coming to swing parties, will you stop coming too? Are your lives so deeply interwoven with those other people that you quit when they quit? If so, then you are not gaining the full reward that swinging has to offer, which is liberation from cultural traditions. Our recreation is swinging. And exactly the same things happen in swinging as they do in bowling. Couples move from the region. They have divorces as a result of changes in their own relationships. People get sick and people die. They also lose their jobs. Sometimes the man or woman loses interest in swinging and they stop coming to parties. Change is inevitable. Nothing is static. If you found the greatest ten couples at a club to spend time with, by the end of two years you would have only five of them still here and active. The reasons are change. Yet, in the same two years, 50 to 60 new couples enter the club to meet others and play with them. Don’t blind yourself to the fact that they are there. And the best place to get to know them is by having a sexual encounter with them. Have you considered that any level of relationship, whether it be a neighborhood or recreational group, requires a constant renewal process? If you don’t eagerly seek out the potential of new friends constantly, it is only a matter of time when you will find yourself with only one old friend left. And that, in itself, will make you feel old. A club like ours is a place for growth and renewal. Its fast pace and constant change keeps you from stagnating. Yes, it requires effort to keep meeting new people all the time, but don’t you feel good afterwards? Don’t you feel “in” and youthful? Don’t you go home with a smile on your face, eager to swap tales with your partner? That’s the process of revitalization. For some people, it’s easier to flow with an established clique and let the newcomers find their own way around, but eventually they begin to notice changes happening around them. When we hear a couple say to us, “We think the group has changed,” we smile to ourselves. Of course it has changed. It has been changing right along. Each month there are new couples coming into the group, some of whom can be as loving, caring and exciting as the kinds of friends you already have. That’s what makes it a living club, instead of a dead one. The couple then suddenly realizes that they have not been changing along with the club. Somewhere along the line, they stopped trying. They ceased developing new friends, which they did at the beginning when they first entered. They found the club to be like a cushion, soft, warm and satisfying, so they sat on it and stopped moving about, figuratively speaking of course, although sometimes literally. As their friends dropped away, suddenly they, not the new couples, were the strangers. It is another form of clique that we can do nothing about. But if you become aware of a growing tendency to associate with only a few special couples, you might be able to avoid being trapped in a clique. Continue to part 2 Home Articles Spiritual Articles Swinging Massage About Blog Contact Privacy Anakosha Picture The gentle path to sexual exploration Part 2 - Swinging With Safety Chapter 41 Same Bedroom or Separate? When the question card goes around the room at our seminars, we are constantly impressed at how many couples will answer differently when it comes to the same room or separate room question. This is because, while you may be in the lifestyle as a couple, what makes the sex act work for you is highly individual. Unless each one of you is totally enjoying your experiences, you will eventually drop out of the lifestyle. And, unless each of you is willing to give the other room to enjoy what makes sex good for them, you will have negative instead of positive experiences. Peculiarly enough, as it has been expressed over the years to us, the same problem can require dramatically opposite solutions for different individuals. We would urge you to be flexible when it comes to swinging together versus swinging separately. A fixed position on either style of swinging can be terribly limiting to your potential for having a good time. However, we completely understand the basic reason for either position. Take jealousy for example. There are those who are totally happy having their partner swinging in another part of the house, but absolutely cannot see them with another person without being involved in comparatives and jealousy. That person should always swing in a separate room from their mate (closed). On the other hand, there is the person who goes crazy when he or she does not know what the partner is doing or with whom, and cannot concentrate on anyone else unless the partner is there beside them. That person should always swing in the same bedroom or bed (open). The problem that cannot be solved exists if one has jealousy one way, and the other has it in reverse. If that is the case, you are going to have to work out a compromise. For those who prefer to swing separately from their mate have many reasons. “I like focused love-making, having my husband or wife there is distracting." Or, "I want a partner to focus on me and I get furious when I find his or her attention is focused on his or her mate." Or, "I can handle my mate having sex with someone else, I just would prefer not to see it." We have heard terrible arguments built around a couple who were together in the same bedroom to that effect. "You did such and such with him or her, how come you don't do that with me?" Or, "You certainly acted like you enjoyed him or her more than you do me." Those who want to swing in the same room or same bed with their mate have equally as many justifications. "We came into the lifestyle to do it together. I find it exciting seeing my mate have pleasure with someone else." Or, "I don't feel comfortable unless I am with my mate." Or, in reverse, "I feel uncomfortable and insecure if he or she is in a room with someone else alone." Stimulation is another case in point for the males. There are those men who truly believe that they cannot perform without the presence of their partner to help turn them on. This obviously will not trigger the jealousy syndrome on the part of the wife, as she knows she is needed and wanted. But it can create another problem if the man is not careful. If his focus is so much on his wife that he cannot focus on his partner, soon there will be no woman who will go with him. He becomes a vicarious receiver from his wife's enjoyment, and gives little in return. In this instance, the man must learn to be aware of and enjoy his wife's presence but still devote his entire attention to his partner of the moment. Female bisexuality is another factor in whether or not a couple chooses open or closed. Some women truly want bisexual experiences and enjoy playing with the other woman when the men are finished. Others accept it passively but don't seek it out, and about 40% of the women don't want it at all. But all too many times a threesome or foursome situation is engineered in the hope of creating a bisexual experience. We have seen too many bad experiences when this happens because a woman who is not interested in a bi experience is coerced into hands-on activity with another woman. If you are a woman who does not want bi activity, be sure to make it clear before you go into a threesome or foursome situation that, if the woman touches you, you are going to leave. Don't wait until you are trapped into doing something you don't want to do. If you want it then it is not a problem, but the Rule of No extends from woman to woman as well as from woman to man or man to woman. There is no right or wrong as to which is the best scenario. Some groups tend to be more open, other groups tend to be more closed. Couples tend to follow the leaders, but the choice is entirely up to you. There are many factors to consider but we urge you to be flexible. Once you have chosen one way over the other, the preference has been cast in granite. It then becomes a limitation to other wonderful opportunities. I am going paint you a few graphic examples to show you what I mean. Example one, you are sitting next to a couple socializing, and after a half hour or so you all realize there is a tremendous attraction between the four of you. The other couple is more than interested in going to bed with the two of you, and you both can hardly wait to get your hands on them. Whoops!! Suddenly you find out that they only like to swing separately and you only swing together. Quandary: you have met one of the most exciting couples you have ever met. Do you give ground? Do they? Or, does everybody stay stubborn and you miss out on what could have been a wonderful, exciting, fulfilling experience? Example two, you are sitting with another couple talking, and your mate is clearly attracted to the other's mate and it is obviously reciprocated, but you are not interested in the other partner and you always swing together. Do you tell your mate, "Rules are rules, and no way are you going to go off and have a good time without me!"? Or, do you say, "Oh damn!" and go to bed with that person who so totally turns you off? Or do you say, "It's OK dear, go and have a good time. We'll just talk until you get back."? In other words, is it OK to release your partner for an hour out of a whole evening? Example three, you only swing as a couple. You have had one or two good foursome experiences this evening. One of you is finished for the night. The other has energy to spare and would like to play some more. It happens, you know. Sex drives and staying power are not always equal on a given party night. Do you really tell your mate, "I'm out of it, and because I've had enough you can't continue."? Or, are you going to be compassionate to your mate's desires and needs, and say, "It's OK. We have had a good time together. I just don't want any more but you go ahead if you feel like it."? The moral of these stories are, the couples who have the most fun at swing parties are those who have learned to be flexible. We are speaking from years of personal experience and observation. We believe that preferences of all sorts have a positive place in the swinging lifestyle, and there are many times you can have those preferences fulfilled, perhaps two or three times in an evening. But there are other times when you may not be able to fulfill them at all in an evening, or perhaps only once, just because of the mix at a particular party. Yet you will meet people at the party who are exciting, neat, turn-on people to you. Are you going to forego those beautiful people because of your stuck-in-granite rules? A party is a place and time where you can safely enjoy new experiences. Make your preferences exactly that: preferences only, not hard and fast rules. If you are flexible, you will not only have your preferences fulfilled, you will get much more out of the party than you expected. Accept those opportunities that come your way based on attraction rather than on pre-planned rules. Chapter 42 How To Approach A Potential Partner While it is true that in swinging situations the time spent between first introduction and invitation to bed is tremendously accelerated, even for men, a crude approach is really a turn-off. And while all of the people at a swing party are there for the same reason, and the normal fencing of a straight world seduction is not needed, still, the basis for the yes-no decision is no different than in ordinary life. The process is merely speeded up. The person you approach for the first time at a swing party still needs to find out if you are a nice person before going to bed with you. Are you an interesting person? Are you a caring person? Are you interested in them as a person or just a body? And finally, are you an exciting person? Is there a chemistry? Do you stimulate them enough to make them want to go to bed with you? Sex, after all, does require some form of chemistry to make it work, whether that chemistry be physical, mental or emotional. In order to find out, it requires each person to be on their best behavior, from the time they initially begin the approach, to the end. It requires focused attention and an alert mind to engage in a courtship, no different than in the so-called straight world. Be interested in the other person as a person. Your interest will spark their interest. Ask them what they like and don't like in swinging situations and in sex. These are two different subjects and people expect to be asked. It is the reason you are here. And if they don't ask you in return, offer the information. Learn about each other. It shouldn't take long, once this is done properly, to move into the bedroom phase of the courtship. Most important, don't ever be grabby or touchy in the wrong areas at the beginning. We have seen so many men ruin any chance they might have had by probing intimate places before any conversation has occurred. Just because it is a swing party does not mean women want their breasts fondled by strangers. Maybe not even by friends, except in the privacy of the bedroom or the foreplay area of the hot tub. It is possible that a rare woman might be in the mood for that, but trust me: the majority of women are not. This also applies to kissing. While it is okay to kiss a stranger hello at a swing party, limit it to a friendly hug and a nice kiss. Approach them as a person, not a sex pervert. Again, just because it is a swing party does not give automatic license to swab a perfect stranger's throat with your tongue within the first minute. Give your new acquaintance the fun and pleasure of being seduced even though the whole process might take only thirty minutes. Arouse them slowly. It's a process that starts from top to bottom, first with the head in mental discussion, followed by displays of affection, and the stirrings and yearnings. When these steps are taken, the physical turn-on happens, automatically. Prove that you are a nice person and a great lover by following this procedure. Enjoy the experience of watching them turn on instead of freezing you out and leaving you bewildered and rejected. Try different seduction techniques. It is worth it if only for your own happiness. The words "crude", "uncouth" and "pushy" are words used to define people who dive for the physical without acknowledging the mind and feelings of a person. They are the ones who keep sex on a shallow level. Many men think that they are keeping their relationship safe and their wives and girlfriends happy by not allowing themselves to be affectionate towards other women. They may not realize that by avoiding warm, caring and meaningful connections in this lifestyle, they are destroying their chances of becoming truly accepted by women, their own mates included. Being barely tolerated in this lifestyle is not very exciting. We urge the ten, twenty or thirty-minute foreplay with everyone for just this reason. Find out for yourself what kind of lover you have been. If you have been doing it wrong, you will notice a vast difference in response. It is commonly known that most women want some non-sexual affection and caressing before sex begins, but what is not commonly known is that many men want it, too. As a man, what do you feel when a women grabs your genitals when you're not at all excited or prepared for sex? What does it feel like to have a body opening probed by someone when you’re not aroused? If you want to be a good and successful lover, refine your approach. You will love the results. Chapter 43 Don’t Be A Gossip Because our intimate activities bring us inordinately close to one another, when a couple begins to have problems within their relationship or change their relationship status quo, we feel that disturbance. It bothers us and often the result is negative judgment and gossip. Maybe two couples have swapped partners for many weekends, and they only go with each other at parties. That is their prerogative. We might advise against it, but who are we to tell them what to do with their lives? Even though we might feel that their relationship is in danger, as club owners we must deal with these couples as human beings, not as officers of the law. If their behavior is not overt or offensive to anyone else, we may permit a couple to continue to attend parties while they are working through their situation. In other instances, we may ask them to stay away until they decide what they are going to do and with whom. While these situations are going on, it is important not to cast stones at these couples. Allow them the compassion of understanding. It might happen to you some day, and then you will wish that someone would be your friend. They are not hurting you, or putting your relationship at risk. They are too busy dealing with their own lives and with very traumatic circumstances. They could end up coming back together again with their relationship stronger than ever. We have seen this happen in our club. Or they could end up with separations or divorces. The gossip about these people is due to the fact that there are so few of them that their shaky situations become bigger than life in our little Peyton Place of society. Established couples in the lifestyle have learned not to be disturbed when a couple from their group is going through a relationship problem. They remain friendly but detached. If it happens, they remove themselves and do not engage in unnecessary gossip. They will treat them with courtesy and respect but not become involved with them. While it is human nature to be interested in what is going on with friends you have been intimate with, the general rule of thumb is, if you don’t have anything nice to say about them, don’t say anything at all. Instead, take a “wait and see” attitude. Human beings do change and evolve, learning new lessons to arm them with a new perspective. Sometimes members wonder why we allow a couple with a shaky personal situation to continue to attend parties. The reason is, that we as club owners believe in the law of live and let live. We do not want to be dictators of a law, but rather to judge and weigh individuals by a code of ethic which is wiser than the letter of the law. Generally speaking, we discourage couples with shaky relationships from participating with us. This attitude holds true in most of the good couples-only clubs in the country. But this is not a law with a hard lined edge to it. A code of etiquette is not a book of rules. People in this lifestyle are not known for their ability to follow rules. That’s what makes our club and other lifestyle clubs so vitally alive and interesting. The fact is we are a select, elite group all cut from the same mold, but a true cross section of the economic, professional, white collar, blue collar and ethnic population of the country. There are older couples with grown children, younger couples with babies in diapers, couples who are monetary disasters, couples who have more money than most, couples who must separate from each other because of their careers, couples who are care-givers for someone, couples who have family illnesses and pressures, terrific job stresses, lawsuits, bankruptcy, couples with drinking problems, and couples going through any one of the gamut of human traumas that beset all of us at one time or another. Welcome to real life. Swingers are not perfect. One of the nice things about this lifestyle is that it is a lesson in trust. When a couple find they have trust between themselves, which they put to the test as soon as they enter swinging, they find that they can trust others better, too. Where at one time they might have been judgmental, now they are more tolerant and flexible in their attitudes towards someone’s unfortunate situation. Compassion and understanding are commonly found among people in the lifestyle. As trust grows stronger, their bond grows stronger which results in unmarried couples who have been admitted into the group, tying the knot within months of joining the lifestyle. This phenomena is pervasive throughout the lifestyle. It was happening so often in our club that our members dubbed us “The Love Club". But it is true that in the same period of time there were couples who broke up, and another half dozen who engaged in some level of relationship with a person or couple outside of their marriage. Some of the breakups and re-matchups were because of people they met in swinging. We never said it doesn't happen, it just doesn't happen often and we have to believe that in most of those instances the underlying dissatisfactions at home would have ultimately dissolved those relationships anyway, with or without swinging. The most important statistic is in the very real factor that over 91% of all the couples who have become part of this group since we started counting in 1987, are still very solidly together. So we are hugely beating the national odds. So, if you should run into a couple in the lifestyle who appears to be on shaky ground, offer them a welcome hand and support, not gossip. They could be working through the beginners’ ups and downs of adapting to the lifestyle. Trust the club leaders to deal with these situations. We try to make decisions that will be the most realistic, as demanded by the circumstances. Chapter 44 Group Room Etiquette Each of us comes to a swing party with hopes, desires and perhaps expectations of what we would like to have happen on that particular night. Sometimes it works out perfectly, sometimes partially, and sometimes not at all. Generally, the failures are not our own fault. We have to recognize that every other couple arrives with their own package of hopes, desires and expectations. Meshing theirs and ours sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't. Sometimes our timing is off and here it is 10:30 p.m. and each person or couple we've talked to already has a bedroom date lined up. We feel rejected and frustrated and don't know what to do. We know the group room is there, but we are afraid of it because we think we will be put into a situation over which we have no control. Don't be afraid. The reality is that you have as much or more control in the group room as you have in the social areas, with greater certainty of participation. Let's create a scenario. You and your primary mate go into the group room and lie down on the mat together and start hugging and kissing. If you keep your eyes alert to the goings on around you, the first thing you will notice is that there is a continuous procession of other guys and gals wandering through the room, and perhaps one or two people staying back along the sides, quietly watching. Some of those people on the fringes of the group room may be looking for some action. They are yours for the asking. They are waiting for a signal from you. You do not have to worry that people will join in where they are not wanted. In fact, the opposite is more likely to be true: how to get those people to join you. Very few people know how to play the group room game. That is why it is not as active as we would like to see it at our club. The wanderers are making themselves available by wandering back and forth hoping that someone will wave them in, afraid to interrupt out of fear of not being wanted. The couple on the mat is hoping that someone will come and join them, but fearful that someone they don't want will approach. The end result is that very few get what they want out of the group room. The fact is, it is the couple on the mat who has the control most of the time. It is their responsibility to wave people in. There are far more who are afraid to join in, than there are those who are intrusive. Let's take a closer look at both sides of the playing field in the group room. There are those down on the mat, and those off to the side waiting. For those who are waiting, there is a proper way to join in and an improper way. The improper way is to drop down and start nibbling right away. The proper way is to approach very quietly in a sensitive and aware manner. How? We asked Jay how he does it because he uses the group room more than most people, and in fact is becoming a legend in his own time. Jay’s method of operation is masterful and proves successful more often then not. He looks over the scene from the side until he sees a situation he would like to join. Then he moves quietly down onto the mat beside them but does not touch. He waits to see what kind of response he gets from his just being there. What does he feel from them? If there are no negative feelings, he reaches out and touches an arm or leg - no breasts or nipples at this point - and waits to see again what kind of response he gets. This requires a great listening ability, and intuition. If there are no negatives, he starts caressing the arm or the leg, aware that he could still be rejected so his movements are tentative. If there are still no negatives by now, he considers himself accepted end moves gently to more intimate areas. Now let's reverse roles. What if you are the couple on the mat in the group room when Jay sits down beside you and gently starts touching you? The control is yours. You either touch back with warmth, indicating acceptance, or with coolness you take his hand off of you. That subtlety will get through to 99% of all people. For the 1% who is obtuse to subtle messages you simply add, "Please, this is a private party!" Most people are extremely sensitive to not being wanted and will take the hint. It is better not to verbalize a question when joining in the group room because it could be an unwanted intrusion, where a non-verbal, caressive touch would be less intrusive and more welcome. The important part of Jay’s method is, don't presume. Go slowly and tentatively and wait until you have had some sign of acceptance before becoming intimate. Most problems in the group room occur when someone assumes and does not wait for the acceptance or rejection signal. The Rule of No is always in effect in the group room. If your group is there first, you are entitled to say, "Please, this is a private party!" whether you are asked verbally, or if someone discreetly tries to move in on you. However, once your group grows to five or more bodies, it may be hard to control who joins you. At that point it is an orgy, which is the main reason for the group room. Then if someone touches you who you don't want touching you, you must roll out or away. It's too late to control it. But so long as it is a small group, four bodies or under, you have the option of responding with warmth and acceptance or coolness and rejection. You may also say, "Why don't you go get your partner (or a partner) and come back. We would love to have the two of you join us." When you are on the group room mat you are in control. You can wave to someone in who is sitting nearby, you can wave to someone who might just be walking by, and you can reject. You are in charge. When you lie down on a group room mat, you have put yourself into the position where people will be coming to you. But remember, the group room is there for playful multi-partner sex. It is not for one-on-one encounters. The one exception is when, once in awhile on a big party night, a mat will be taken by a couple or a foursome who are only there because it was the only bed available. So don't presume. Be sensitive. And even though you are allowed to take the initiative, wait for an acceptance before reaching for the intimate parts. The group room is not a place to be afraid of. Once you learn how to operate in its environment, you will have fun. Chapter 45 Alcohol and Drugs There is nothing wrong at a party in having a couple of drinks for the purpose of relaxation. But there are an awful lot of reasons not to drink too much. We have had incidents over the years that only occurred because someone had too much to drink. People who are drunk generally have a total personality change. They can become nasty, argumentative and obnoxious, and when they do they create major problems not only for themselves but for the other people around them. First, the target of their personality change often becomes their own husband or wife, and the next day they hate themselves for what they have done to their relationship. Secondly, drunks tend to talk incessantly and are oblivious to the people around them, so everybody perceives they are drunk while they themselves do not think so. And because that constitutes obnoxious behavior, they find themselves sitting alone. They just are not fun to be around. Third, sex is an activity that requires every nerve in your body to be alive and receptive for full enjoyment. In the case of men, you have to be able to have an erection and alcohol is a depressant. Women who reach the level of being drunk feel very little and are uncoordinated. So on top of everyone avoiding you because you’re drunk, another problem is created in that you can’t perform in the bedroom even if you can find someone to go to bed with you. A party is a place where couples go for fun and light-hearted sex play. They want to be around people who are happy and in control. A swing party is not a bar where you go to get drunk. We suggest you think about this and understand it, because if you drink too much you will lose out in the end, and you will cause others to lose too. Feel free to have a couple of drinks for relaxation, but stop there. Don’t arrive at a party with two or three drinks already under your belt and carrying a bottle. You will repel some very nice people and you will end up having a bad time. And if you have too many bad parties you will drop out of swinging, which is not only sad for you, but sad for your partner and sad for your friends who could have become lifelong friends. Go to swing parties for friendship and sex, but don’t go there to get drunk. On the subject of drugs, our members have applauded the stand we took in the early 80’s against bringing drugs, including pot, onto the club premises. There are a few who really enjoyed smoking pot at swing parties in the past, and are today unhappy with our position on the issue. They properly point out that alcohol, which we do permit, is no less harmful to people and can alter attitudes and behavior just as marijuana can. However, there is one primary issue involved that we all have to be aware of: alcohol is legal and controlled substances are not. That is the reason why most clubs today have a hard and fast rule against drugs of any kind, and violators are expelled immediately. The reason for this is because the war on drugs has moved into the crusade stage. This means that, just as in cases involving Internal Revenue or Customs cases, among other new tools for fighting drugs, Congress can easily mandate substantial rewards to people who inform on their neighbors who use drugs. If this happens, it could mean that when you have your friends in to socialize and you all smoke pot together, you could be subject to being reported, arrested and convicted. And anyone in the vicinity, such as your family, could also be caught in the web. All because an irate person holding a grudge can turn you in with the extra inducement of a reward. The better swing clubs today are drug-free. So if you do use drugs in the privacy of your homes, leave the stuff at home when you go to a swing party or to another couple’s home on a private date. Don’t even have it in your car while parked on their premises. If you can’t live without it, then stay home yourselves. Don’t put your club or your friends at risk. Chapter 46 Don’t Be a Couch Potato A swing party is a discovery party. Friendships blossom and invitations occur for those who show an interest in interacting with others, whether it be one-on-one or couple- to-couple. If you and your mate plop down on a couch or at a table on the patio and wait for something to happen, it won’t. It is as though you have strung a rope around yourselves with a sign on it that says Do not disturb. Others will not approach you when you are take on the appearance of couch potato. Don't ask why. The only way to beat off an attack of the couch potato blues is to force yourself to get up and move around and talk to people. Shake it away. As long as you are on the move, speaking, listening and being involved, it can't get you. The couches should be used as active conversation locations, or if you are truly in need of a seat because you are tired, but they shouldn’t be used as an escape hatch to drop out of the party and disappear. You would drift to a couch, for example, with a person you just met at the coffee pot and you want to keep on talking but not in the middle of the kitchen. You would sit down on a couch if you saw someone sitting there whom you hadn't seen for several months and you were eager to give them a friendly hello and hug, but you would get up and leave when you were finished. To get the most out of the party atmosphere, keep on moving around so you can bump into people. Put yourself where people are, but not in a pushy manner. Just be there in front of them, and around them. Spend a few minutes in different locations. Nod and greet those who catch your eye to show you are open to conversation. If nothing more happens, accept it and move on to another location. Find a bar seat if there is one in the middle of a traffic area and let yourself get swept up into conversation. Then, if nothing significant happens there after 10 or 20 minutes, get up and go to the hot tub, if there is one, and soak for another 15 or 20 minutes. Wherever there are groups of people talking, it is because they are extending themselves. They are showing their eagerness to meet others, where the couch potatoes are not. Pay attention to their body English. They are making themselves available. And watch how they handle someone they don't want anything to do with. How do you know they are rejecting that person? Learn how to read others and you will find yourselves copying those you think are the most effective. But you can't do this sitting down on a couch. And, even though it means letting go of a security blanket, try moving around alone. Leave your primary partner and do your own scouting, then come back and report in once in awhile to each other. You will have lively stories to tell each other. Though you and your partner may prefer to go to bed together as a couple, if each of you goes out exploring alone you double your chances of meeting a potential bed partner. If as a woman you meet a man with whom you would like to go to bed, you can always say, "I would like you to meet my husband and maybe we can both meet your wife." Or, vice versa in reverse. And if you have no problems going to bed one-on-one, you increase your chances by moving around alone rather than clinging to your mate. Many men hesitate to strike up a conversation with a lady if she is obviously hanging on to her husband. Since swinging is a sport of opportunities and choices, the more opportunities you create, the more choices you will have. The less you make yourselves available, the less opportunities and choices you will have. Don't be a couch potato. Move around and let your body tell the group you are interested. You will have many more interesting parties. Chapter 47 How To Be Guests At a Party What is acceptable behavior at swing parties is always a big question at the seminars. What do you do? How do you behave? What do they expect of us? These are the types of questions that new swingers have foremost in their minds when they first begin to branch out into the lives of other swingers, and these subjects are being individually addressed in this book. Because behavior at a party is so important to your reputation and how you fit in, this chapter is a summary in a nutshell of how to be a good guest at a swing party. There are no established rules, per se, but there are traditions that have grown out of common behavior. It is these traditions that we write about here. So, if someone invites you to a swing party, here's what you should do. First, ask if you can bring something, like a cake, or your own towel. Usually the host will tell you to bring your own bottle and maybe a dish for the buffet table. They may tell you to bring along some sexy under things to wear after you get out of your street clothes. At every party there is a time when dressing down takes place. Buy a small to medium sized traveling bag, just large enough to carry whatever you need such as toiletries, cosmetics, changes of clothing and whatever personal items you might want such as sex toys. Ask for directions to the house and where to park when you arrive. You don't want to block a neighbor's driveway or cause a problem that would interrupt the party later. Ask what time you should arrive, and the latest that you can arrive. Some couples have a cut-off time beyond which they don’t want to answer the door. Ask if it's for couples only or if there will be singles invited. If single men are attending the party, there could be three or four single men for every woman at the party, which will be uncomfortable for the women. Don’t come to a couples swing party alone without your primary partner if you’ve been invited as a couple. Call and ask first. Some couples don’t mind a special friend coming as a single, but there are many who don’t like it. This is a couples lifestyle and single people are generally not accepted. If your husband or wife is out of town, decline the invitation. When you arrive at the party, arrive well-groomed. If you are not in the habit of dressing up, if the type of job does not demand you to have an ample wardrobe, make it a habit to at least be clean-shaven, clean in body, with freshly washed hair, hands and nails. Many people are not aware of their own body odor. Check your spouse and have your spouse check you. Take a shower before leaving for the party. Uncircumcised men should wash under the folds, and women, douche with just plain water several hours prior to the party so there will be time for natural body fluids to return. Use deodorant, brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Shave just before the party so there is no stubble, and use lotion or light perfume. And women, if you shave the pubic area, shave just before the party. A bristly mound is more serious than you might think. An enthusiastic oral session can cut a man’s face up pretty badly. Overall, be an attractive and sweet smelling sex partner, but no heavy cologne or perfume in the genital area. We are including here a quick word on douching by Nancy. Many women are not in the habit of douching, especially if they have not been into swinging for long. But women do have an odor that emanates from the vagina and the best way to eliminate that is by douching. We have found that just plain water with no chemicals will not upset your body chemistry. It is like swishing your mouth with water after eating. It is natural to the body. And a gravity fed douche bag like an enema bag is much more effective than a disposable one which contains at the least vinegar. The fountain of water can go further up inside. Some women get a reputation for being unclean when they do not douche, but men are hesitant to say anything. Douche the morning or early afternoon on the day of the party to be fresh and clean, which allows enough time for natural bacteria and fluids to regenerate which protects you against disease and infection. And then douche again after the party is over before going to bed. This washes away any foreign bacteria that might have crept up inside, including your own bacteria from other locations, which could cause an inflammation or infection. Don’t come to the party while under the influence of mind-altering substances, or too much alcohol. You won’t be good for anything except as a bookend, or to hold up a wall. People will avoid you. Drugs and drunks are not common among swingers. Most swingers drink soft drinks and occasional light alcohol. Drugs are not acceptable in the lifestyle. And never, ever, never bring drugs to someone else’s home. Be aware of what you eat before coming to a swing party as some foods cause gas and body odor, such as beans, garlic and some vegetables. Don’t bring any uninvited guests with you without getting permission. If you happen to have house guests who have dropped in at the last minute and they are also in the lifestyle, don’t assume. Call the hosts and ask if you can bring them along. They may not have room. It goes without saying, that you should never ever bring non-swinging guests to a swing party. Arrive at the party together with your spouse, or date, and leave together at the same time. Never be at a swing party without your mate without prior permission. If you’re not in the mood to participate, don’t go to the party. In the traditional house party you are expected to swing, even though you have choices as to whom you participate with. Once a night is sufficient to pass this traditional requirement. Women, if you have your period and you don't plan to swing, don't go. Even it your husband wants to go, remain firm in your decision because a woman who does not swing at a party of only four or five couples, throws the whole party out of kilter. If you do attend and don’t participate, you will build a poor reputation for yourself as a ticket to get your husband into the party. In a larger party of say 15 or 20 couples you might be able to get away with it. But even then you should only go to the party if you can be a happy and sociable participant, and not one who sits sullenly in a corner hoping no one will notice you. Many women on their periods will party in a partial way by engaging in other-than-penetration sex. About half of the men will accept a woman with her period. Arrive at the party on time. The hosts have set the party up carefully. Call if you’re going to be late. This is more crucial at a swing party than at a non-swing party, because people will undress and the hosts will not want to answer the door once the party starts. Most swing party hosts set a close-off time for arrivals. Be attentive to your hosts rules. Party hosts seldom read a list of rules, but by being watchful you can determine what’s expected of you. For example, if there’s no smoking in the house there will be no ashtrays. You want to be invited back and it is always noticed which guests are sloppy and inconsiderate of their home and their other guests. Do not answer a telephone if you are a guest in someone’s house, unless you are requested to. And do not answer the door. Be sociable. Move around among the other guests. Don’t sit tightly clinging to each other on a couch or no one will approach you. Get over your shakes and try separating for a while for social talk and coming back together to compare notes. Get to know people, and get to know your potential bed partners. Talk first and ascertain where they are coming from. Don’t just jump in bed with a stranger. Find out whether they only go as a foursome with their husband or wife, or whether they go separately. Don’t be afraid to ask. This is to prevent what you thought was going to be a nice one-on-one encounter with someone, from turning into a threesome when their spouse comes in to join you. Or what you assumed was going to be a foursome and have it turn out that the other couple always party in separate rooms. Asking questions first helps to avoid negative experiences. If there are some acts you will not do in a swing encounter that are commonly accepted by most people, let your swing partner know before going into the bedroom, or at least before you get into the more crucial stage of love-play. The most common practices that are traditionally expected at a swing party are kissing, giving and receiving oral sex, and giving and receiving full penetration. Anal sex is not expected and lies outside of the norm. Female bisexuality is expected in perhaps 50% of the situations, and male bisexuality is not expected at all, or in perhaps one to two percent of the situations. However, by explaining your limitations beforehand you will not disappoint or frustrate anyone who expects it. If a man is afraid he won’t be able to achieve an erection, that’s OK. But if you do not even try to penetrate, then tell her up front so she won’t expect it. But even a soft attempt is better than refusing to try at all. Women will understand and connection will have been made between the two of you. Most people will honor your requests if you are direct with them. What creates negative experiences is when what is expected to happen does not happen. There is a traditional behavior expected at experienced lifestyle parties, unless their are newcomers involved and everyone understands. Communicate what you expect out of the encounter. If you expect one thing and your sex partner expects another, you will have an awkward encounter. Don’t place heavy rules on each other. Sometimes a husband or wife gets carried away under certain circumstances which can’t be avoided easily, and are guided into breaking their private agreements with their spouse. For example, if you have a private agreement between you that neither one of you will engage in group activities, if one of you should find yourself in a group situation unavoidably, it will cause problems later on. You will have control over most of what you do, but there will be instances where you will each get “carried away” because that is the nature of the lifestyle. Ask a couple how they normally swing and you will have the most important information you need about another couple. You in turn should let the others know your limitations. If you don’t tell others what you don’t want to do, they can’t honor it. People are not mind readers. Women, if you’re asked by a man with whom you don’t want to go into a bedroom, remember the Rule of No. Just say, “No, thank you,” with a smile. You should not give explanations as to why you don’t want to go to bed with someone. That turns it personal and emotional. You might want to add “No, thank you but I appreciate the invitation,” as a nice way of ending the conversation. Or, “Ask me again sometime.” Women, men love to be asked by a woman. We hear this comment often: “Why don’t women ask more? I love to be asked by a woman.” While men, too, have the right to say, “No, thank you,” the chances of this happening is so small as to be almost non-existent, and if he did say No, it probably would be for practical reasons like he just finished with someone and needs time to recuperate, or that his wife is dressing to go home, or some such reason. Ask, ladies, and the chances of you having a great time because you took the initiative increases by leaps and bounds. Men, if you ask someone and you’re turned down, don’t take it personally. Remain impersonal and humor will go a long way in bowing out gracefully. Practice some humorous responses. This is a game of consensual selection, not demand. Sex is not a power game here as it often is in the non-swinging world. Move on and keep it light. Don’t fondle breasts and crotches of women you have just met, or give them deep tongue-sloshing kisses. That does not turn a woman on, it turns them off. You will build a bad reputation for yourself if you do this. Start out with women on a social talk level. Let her feel you out and observe you for awhile, as women tend to do. Let her body language guide you. If she is feeling sexy, she’ll let you know by touching you, or batting her eyelids at you and responding to your attempt to communicate with enthusiasms rather than one-word responses. If she is not meeting your eyes, that is the first and most important rejection signal. Watch for signals. If there are none after a certain time, move on to the next person. Most men need more practice in this area. I have seen men miss obvious cues from women who finally left in desperation to go find someone else. And I have seen men miss the obvious turndown, totally oblivious to her body language. Check in with your mate from time to time during the evening to make sure he or she is OK and having a good time. If there’s a problem, catch it early. If nothing is happening for either of you, go into the group room area and make love with each other. Even if there is no problem, spend time with your mate and assure them that you care. Your love bond is important and this will strengthen it. If there is a problem, go aside and talk it out. If the problem persists, go home. If you have a family feud at a party, your reputation may be at stake. You may not be invited back. Have a game plan for what time you will leave to go home. This is often a problem area between a couple when one wants to stay and party and the other wants to go home. Talk it over ahead of time. When it starts to get late and you know it is approaching time to go home, make sure that the last encounter for the night finishes in approximate timing with your mate. It might prove to be a wrong decision if your spouse wants to go home and he or she has to sit and wait for you to come out of the bedroom. If the hour is late, ask before going into the bedroom one more time. Remember that your spouse has feelings, too. And if you are tired and want to go home, please don’t do it the way Hal did one day in our early days of swinging. Everyone heard him as he yelled out from the kitchen, “Hey, Betty, when are you going to be done? Finish him off so we can go home.” You will never be invited back again. Likewise, don’t go into a bedroom in a surly mood and tap your mate on the shoulder to give them a hint. This is not acceptable behavior. It shows that you do not have your act together and other couples will avoid you. Give each other permission to swing separately even though you might prefer to swing together. And vice versa. Most couples prefer to swing separately because it is easier finding partners, but you may find yourself talking with a couple who want to stay together because they are new. If you insist on only doing it your way, you just might be left out of the party all together. If there are more people at a party than there are beds, don’t hog bed space. This means, you don’t have to hurry through the sexual encounter, but when you are finished, don’t lie there chatting. Be aware that others may be in need of a bed. If you tore the bed up and the sheets are all off and the mattress cover too, tuck it in and make it neat for the next couple. This is the responsibility of the couple who messed it up. Light damp spots are acceptable, but if the sheets are sopping wet, see the hostess about getting a new one to replace it. This is acceptable. It happens on enough occasions that more hostesses are thinking ahead by putting out a few extra replacement sheets where people can find them, and hampers for dirty sheets. If you are in a room with another couple who are also engaged in love-making, keep your voices down to a low murmur. Don’t tell loud jokes or exchange idle gossip so the couple next to you can hear. This is a real no-no because it breaks the mood. Be considerate of the lovers next to you. Private bedroom spaces are more intimate and romantic, and require more quiet than a group room. Find out where the private rooms are, versus the multi-couple room. Don’t enter or interrupt a private bedroom scene, not even to stand and watch. You’ll get a bad reputation. Never crawl into a bed with another couple at a swing party unless you are invited. This is a common problem that is hard to control. It causes resentment. Don’t hover near a bed trying to signal for an invitation. Leave couples in a bed room scene alone, unless all parties have agreed that at a certain time you will join them. This does not apply to an area allocated as a group room where anything goes. Don’t interrupt a bedroom scene for any reason unless the house is on fire or the police have arrived. Or with the possible exception that you are suffering an insecurity attack or a sickness attack, and you need the comfort of your mate, in which case it is perfectly acceptable in the lifestyle to interrupt. But do it modestly and gently, not with anger, and only if it is an emergency. In-between sexual encounters, shower. If you can’t shower, then wash your private parts, face, beard, hands with a washcloth. Every hostess puts ample washcloths and used washcloth container in the bathrooms to throw it into when done, so you do not have to look for the same washcloth a second time. Use mouthwash or brush your teeth. Women, use disposable douches if they are available in-between encounters. If not, swish some water up there. Swingers are overly aware of body odor and cleanliness, and go to great lengths to be clean. If you are sleeping over, never go to sleep with someone else’s wife or husband for the night. This causes jealousy. Even if there is common consent at the time, someone is usually pressured into it and leads to arguments later when a couple goes home. We have seen this happen time and time again. Likewise, never call someone else’s wife or husband for a private date, or to give sexy love talk over the telephone. This is a most explicit no-no in swinging. Swinging is recreational sex, done together as a couple out in the open, with nothing to hide. If you prefer that your spouse doesn’t know what you are doing, then don’t do it. Exchange phone numbers with those couples you really like and want to see again. That’s what parties are for. But don’t expect the other couple to ask you for yours because they probably won’t. It’s a no-no in the lifestyle to ask a couple for their number because everyone knows that it puts them on the spot. Before giving their number out, which is their identity, which means exposure, they have to first check with each other in private. So you give them your phone number instead and tell them you both have enjoyed them, and would like to meet them again either for dinner out or at your house. Have social cards made up with your first names and telephone number on it, to give to people you like. If you try to get a number from the host later, they will probably not give it to you. Discretion and privacy rules heavily over swingers and they do not give phone numbers out. Chapter 48 How to Give a House Party After you have been in the swinging lifestyle for a few months and met four or five couples whom you enjoy very much, and after you have attended several of their house parties of your friends, you may decide that you want to reciprocate. There is probably nothing you could do that can be more fun or more gratifying than hosting a house party if it is done right. You have discussed it between the two of you, but you lack the confidence to host a party. Let’s build an imaginary party for you around an ordinary two or three bedroom house in a residential neighborhood. In this case, there is no pool, hot tub or privacy fence. Let’s look at some practicalities. First, this party is going to be a sex party. You do not have to pretend otherwise. Couples will come because they want to swing. Some of the worst swing parties occur when the hosts do not understand that. There are certain rules of thumb in planning a swing party. The social area and the sexual activity areas should be separate. Your guests should not feel coerced into sexual activity just because there is no area in which to socialize, plus they will need an area in which to rest after a sexual encounter. The first question that needs to be answered is, how many couples can realistically be comfortable in your home for this type of party? Let’s assume that between your living room and dining areas you can comfortably seat ten to twelve people (five or six couples). In this case, you will want to invite eight couples, two more than your seating will hold. In the early stages you want the atmosphere to be more like a cocktail party, with guests circulating, talking and playing musical chairs, rather than sitting in a fixed seating arrangement which immobilizes them. So from a standpoint of the social aspects of the party we now know you can handle a seven or eight couple party. But can your bathrooms? We now have to look at the number of toilets. This is a very real problem as everyone will be imbibing. The basic rule of thumb here is one toilet per five couples, if people are not tying up the bathrooms primping. If you have two toilets you will be able to comfortably handle the seven or eight couples. If you only have one, you had better cut your plan back to five couples including yourselves. The second consideration is bed space. At our parties we feel comfortable with one bed for three couples, but that is because we have enough couples who will swing as a foursome. That means three beds can handle six couples. If a number of your guests prefer one-on-one encounters, then your safe rule of thumb is one bed for every two couples. If you have two useable bedrooms, you can purchase or borrow a foam mat to supplement your beds and expand your facility to three or four beds. If you are thinking of an air mattress, forget it. For sleeping they are OK, but not for sexual activity. The important factor is that you need enough bed space so the waiting period is minimal. When people are ready for sex, they are ready now! The third space factor that is critical is parking. How many cars can you park in your own driveway or yard? Is there always open parking space on your street? The one thing you don’t want is your neighbors knocking on your door or calling the police because one of your guests has parked in front of their driveway. If you know you can only comfortably get four cars parked legally, then don’t try to stretch it. That is your limitation. Now you know how many couples you can handle. Don’t allow yourself to exceed that number. You can ruin your own party by having more couples than your house can handle. Now comes the fun questions: who are you going to invite? A successful house party revolves around couples who share the same sexual interests and attitudes. Example: If you know three couples who only like to swing together in a threesome, foursome or moresome, and you have another couple whom you like very much but only swing separately, that last couple will not have a good time with the others. They should not be invited with the other group. If you like a couple where the man is exceptionally grabby or pushy, reconsider. The fact that you can handle him does not mean that other people can. He could make it very unpleasant for the other couples. If you want to spice up your party and meet some new couples you have never met before, ask each couple you invite if they know a couple they particularly like whom they think you would enjoy. Since you are building the party around couples who share your interests, that couple would probably fit the group. Have your friends call their friends and ask if it is OK for you to call them to invite them to a party. If they agree, then your friends can give you their number. Don’t try to get the number and call them cold. They will be suspicious and reluctant to talk to you. On the other hand, they will be far more receptive if they expect your call. Tell your potential guests what time to arrive, and be firm about that. Your party will never get off the ground if you have to wait around till 10, 11 or 12 o’clock for late arrivals, so set a very specific arrival time. Tell them, “Please don’t arrive before 7:30, nor after 9 p.m. The doors will be locked and not answered before or after that time.” People will honor that if they understand you mean it. Now let’s talk about food. There will always be some expense to having a party, depending on how you want to host it. It can be very expensive or only minimally so. You can have as little as a bowl of potato chips and some cheese and crackers, or you can provide a full buffet dinner. Potluck is common among some swing groups, each couple bringing a dish. We provide cold roast beef and ham, cheese and crackers, raw veggies and dip, a pickle tray and cake at our parties, but we charge a door fee. Private parties do not, which is why potluck parties are popular to help with the cost of food. If you do not ask guests to bring a dish, then definitely provide something to munch on because active sex makes one hungry. When you talk to your guests, be prepared to give them a list of what to bring. Do they bring their own bottle? Their own mixes? A snack or a covered dish? Their own towels for showers? Most private swing party hosts ask their guests to bring all of the above, but there are the more elaborate party givers who provide everything except liquor. We provide the mixes, sodas and tonics. And be sure to tell them to bring dress-down clothes. Remember, when you invite someone, it is your party and you make the rules. Since so many swingers cannot entertain, they will appreciate the fact that you are opening up your home to them and will want to know how to be a good guest. Plan what house rules you are going to tell them: Can the bedroom doors be closed? Locked? A few inches ajar? Can they smoke in the house? In the bedroom? Write them down on a 3x5 card. Regarding doors, we recommend that you tell your guests to never lock a bedroom door at one of your parties. If your husband or wife is with another person behind a locked door and you are prevented from entering, the mood will sour rapidly. Some party givers go so far as to remove the bedroom doors prior to a party, but that is pretty far reaching. We allow our guests to close the door but not to lock it, so that a second bed or mat can be reached while a couple is on the first bed, and so a husband or wife can open the door and check on their partner. Once you have your guests selected, call them and invite them to your party. Ask them at that time if they have one special couple they would like to invite, too. After a couple of weeks you will find that you have ten couples lined up for your party. You will have told them what to bring, when to arrive and where to park. You have a list of house rules you want to tell them, you know what type of food you are going to provide, and that you are not going to allow locked bedroom doors. But there are a few other things that you need to consider before the first guests arrive on party day. Have the bedspreads on all your beds turned down so the beds are ready to be used. Have clean sheets on the beds and mats, and have low, attractive lighting in the bedrooms. If possible, have music in each bedroom, low romantic music, not rock ‘n roll. Be sure the drapes or shades on your windows are tightly closed. You don’t need to titillate or embarrass your neighbors. For the same reasons, when a couple leaves your house for their car make sure they are fully dressed. Set up some low lighting in the social areas to create a more comfortable mood. Bright shining lights are not conducive to a romantic atmosphere. Turn on some music of a selection to match your guests’ age and interest, but not too loud. Watch the volume on your stereo or radio, neighbors really do complain about noise. Have a stack of clean washcloths on the bathroom counters, and a plastic container on the floor to throw the used washcloths into. Also, provide mouthwash and plenty of soap for washing up after a sexual encounter, plus extra hand towels. If you are providing bath towels for showers, put these out where they can be found and hampers to throw them into. You will find that the more personal hygiene items you provide, the more you are stating a message: please be clean and sweet smelling. Make yourself an attractive partner. More elaborate party givers provide disposable douches for gals, condoms for the men, shampoo, hair conditioner, deodorant, disposable razors and toothpaste, but this is not a necessity. Most swingers bring their own in small cosmetics bags. Plan on which closet you will have your guests put their bags, clothes and other personal belongings when they get out of their street clothes. Swingers can be inventive if there is no assigned storage space, like under couches and behind chairs, but it is nice to be able to show them a closet or shelf. The success of the party will be determined by what you do in the first couple of hours as your guests arrive. As the hosts at your party, mix, mingle and socialize with your guests. Greet each person and let them get to know you so they can size you up, but don’t let yourself be tied up by any one person or couple. You and no one else should answer the door. But to take some of the burden off of you, you can ask one or two of your friends who know your house to take some of the new couples around and show them the various locations, where to put their bags, where the bathrooms are, the private rooms, the group room, where the food and bar area is set up, and to introduce them to each couple already there. Keep your eyes open and if you notice a couple sitting alone and having a hard time mixing socially, go to someone you know and quietly ask them if they would spend a little time with that couple to draw them out. As you look around you, it is just like any very social cocktail party, except you can see the couples talking and touching more intimately than at a straight party. Your guests have stayed in their street clothes because you are opening and closing the front door and you don't want your neighbors to accidentally look in and see partially clad bodies. You are planning to lock the doors at 9 o'clock, so around 8:30 you announce “Would you please dress down out of your street clothes into party clothes and meet in the living room for last-minute introductions and announcements.” They will go to where they have placed their bags and change into their skimpy wrap-arounds, sexy teddies or other type of party clothes, and the two of you should be the first to change and return to the living room. Now is the time to start turning down the lights, light the candles for a seductive mood and greet everyone formally in the living room. It will be 9 o’clock by the time you are finished and you can announce. “Everyone is here who is going to be here, the door is going to be locked and the party can begin.” Some party hosts don’t bother with meeting in the living room for announcements or introductions, but we think it is a nice touch to bring everyone together so they can see who else is at the party all at one time, and to assert your presence as the authorities at the party. And some party hosts don’t require guests to get out of their street clothes. But if no one starts the dress-down process, your guests could end up sitting in the living room all night. Some disappointing parties have resulted from not dressing down. They need your guidance and direction and will look to you to provide it. You will be surprised at how easily this one act changes the atmosphere from social to sensual as they remove, layer by layer, the facade of their street persona and reminders of the outside world. If you as the hosts change into your lingerie or sexy stuff, everyone else will follow suit. If you do not, no one will change. The party will turn out to be an ordinary “straight” party, not a swingers party. After the introduction in the living room, you should then try to pair up with someone go into a bedroom with that person. Once your guests see you do that, others will follow and your role is finished as host and hostess and you become a guest at your own party, ready to have some fun. A good party goes the best for the guests when the hosts are having a good time. If you do not participate in the swinging or spend your time fretting over the food and the guests, they will not be nearly as free and as loose as you would like them to be. So this is the time for you lighten up and let go. From that point on, the party should pretty well take care of itself. You will notice that, after the first session of partying, like magic around 10:15 or so, the social areas are full of people again, milling around the kitchen table. The buffet which looked at the beginning of the evening as though it had too much food is suddenly a third empty as twenty people replenish their energy. A pleasant laid-back social time occurs for about an hour, and then you look up and see there is no one around as people have made new contacts for bedroom activity. By 12:30 a.m. the group reassembles socially to consume another third of your buffet. Around 1 or 1:30 am., two or three of the couples have left, and the remaining couples have paired off again with other partners. The rest of the night to 3 or 4 a.m. is spent in happy, laid-back talk and munching up the rest of the buffet. And much to everyone's surprise there are those couples who sneak off for one final session of sexual joy. Seldom does anyone go home from this type of house party without being totally happy, satisfied and fulfilled. You will feel immensely proud of yourselves. As party hosts you will find that it adds an entirely new dimension to your swinging experience. Part 7 Fear, Jealousy and Morality - The Killers of Swinging Chapter 49 Fear There are few normal, red-blooded, sexually liberated males or females who have not engaged in absolutely wonderful personal fantasies about multiple sex partners and shared sexual adventures. In comparison, there are a vast number of couples who have used group sex fantasies simply as fantasies, at home between themselves, never getting so far as putting them into actual experience with other people. Since we are dealing with an almost universal urge here, why aren’t more couples doing it in real life? The three key words are Fear, Jealousy and Morality, and these are killers. That is why we are devoting one whole section to just these three issues. We have close to 100 calls per month from men and women (80% men) who would like entry into our swinging lifestyle. In virtually every case, the caller has been discussing it with his or her partner to one degree or another, but in more than one-half of the cases, the partner is reluctant. They can play the pretend fantasy game between themselves at home, but the thought of real life encounters evokes fear, jealousy and/or morality stumbling blocks. Then we have couples who decide to enter the lifestyle who never conceived that they would have problems beyond nervousness, only to find that after one or two experiences they are in deep trouble. Why? Because one or the other finds he or she is dealing with fear, jealousy and/or morality to an unexpected level. While this chapter will hopefully give you suggestions as to how to deal realistically with these problems, we cannot give you solutions. You have to work on those yourself. Fear, jealousy and morality are highly personal emotions based on mental tapes implanted from infancy. We cannot erase them for you. We can give you some new ideas for creating new tapes. But you have to slip them into the recorder of your body all by yourself. So, now, let’s look at the first of these three killer words: fear. We will deal with jealousy and morality in the next two chapters. Probably the first element of fear is the fear of the unknown. You have established a relationship, a security blanket and a sex life that, if not wonderful, at least exists as a stable, ongoing lifestyle. It is safe and consistent. A fear crops up when you weigh future unknowns. What happens if you enjoy other men more than you do him? Or what if he enjoys other women more than he does you? And in his mind, what happens if he can’t perform with a woman he takes to bed? Or what, as a woman, do you do if you find yourself in bed with a man who turns you off? How can you be comfortable that you are not exposing yourself to venereal disease? What would you do if your mother, son, boss, or neighbor showed up at a swing party at which you were present? What if they were to find out you were a swinger? On and on the fears go, all fears of the unknown. As human beings we all fall into one of two basic categories: those who like to explore and those who don’t. While some of us crisscross the line, we are either people who go through life doing the same thing day after day, going to the same restaurants, bars, and places of entertainment week after week and year after year, or we are people who enjoy exploring new restaurants, new neighbors and new stores as we jaunt through our daily lives. I am one of the middle-grounders who crisscross. There are certain restaurants that have a hold on me and I return time and again. My breakfast is the same every morning, and the route that I travel through the day is the same. But some of my effort is expended in discovering new eating adventures and new sexual adventures, learning from new people. So, while I am rooted in day-to-day habits, I retain an openness for the unknown. The one adds the necessary spice to the other. A couple who is locked into a life of sameness, going to the same stores, restaurants and places of business, feeding off of the same minds, the same problems, the same people, will suffer from fear of the unknown when faced with the idea of swinging. The fear is very real. It threatens to break the sameness. What will happen? Sexual openness is a lifestyle that brings change, growth and liberation from old ideas. Each new encounter is a new adventure that must be entered into eagerly if it is to be successful. Each new sexual encounter is an adventure in exploration, and the couple who does not want to explore will not make it in swinging. The second element of fear, different than jealousy, is the fear that your partner, male or female, may find a sex partner he or she prefers over you. This is a real and inherent danger for new swingers who are looking for that “one special couple” with whom to establish a personal relationship. If this is what you are looking for, forget it. Your odds of divorce are over 60%. The successful swinging couple does not look to expand its marriage. The partners in a successful swinging couple retain their two-fold status and hold onto it even more tightly than before swinging. They learn through the enhancement of swinging encounters that the solid, stable and consistent aspects of their own relationship are paramount to having a good time. Their relationship grows because of it. So they end up having both sides of the fence, stepping out into the unknown to explore only once a week, or once a month or once every six months -- a small percentage of time out of the whole, but just enough to add spice. By going into swinging as a multiple-partner, recreational sex activity, it becomes almost non-risk. You don’t swing alone, you don’t sleep with someone else alone, and you don’t spend time alone with any of your swing partners without your mate present, because your swing partner has a mate to consider too. The major difference between singles in swinging and couples in swinging is that the single will always tempt you to spend time “alone” with him or her, which turns it into an affair-type game. Swinging has developed as a fine, recreational, sexual art in order to avoid affairs and cheating, which are real dangers to marriages. There are rules of behavior that are respected by all true swingers. There is no opportunity under the swingers code of ethics for that “closeness which makes the heart grow fonder” problem that you find in the straight world. Since you arrive together, leave together and sleep together, and you only do it on an occasional basis, a swinging encounter, whether it is with one other couple or ten other couples, becomes a light, fun game where each occasion is a social, sexual adventure rather than a potentially emotional adventure. You create a high for yourself that you bring back home with you when you leave, to talk about for days and weeks to come. It is a momentary encounter only, that you leave behind and exhume totally by discussing it afterwards with your mate. A third area of fear is the fear of performance failure. While it is a very real fear to most men, and there are few who do not experience failure once in a while, it is not a real problem. Male swingers find out soon enough that there are many other ways to please women and that penile performance is not really that necessary. In fact, many women in swinging enjoy the attentions of men who can’t get an instant erection because that requires the next best thing: exploratory play, oral sex, caressing, fondling and fingering, which women take great delight in, more than men realize. A man goes into encounters worried about erection performance when she is more interested in his abilities to arouse her in whatever way possible. Worry is the real culprit, not performance, in the inability of a man to obtain an erection and worry should be let go of as soon as possible. Worry affects the nervous system by restricting blood flow to the groin which only makes the problem worse. As the new male swinger lightens up, he finds he has fewer performance failures. The fourth area of fear has to do with the woman who is afraid of being placed into a position of having to go to bed with someone she doesn’t want to be with. Among the swingers code of ethics is one called “The Rule of No”. That’s all it takes. A “No, thank you,” and no explanation. If you are a woman who has never been in a sexual group before, you probably do not know this. This is a whole new game from the one where you had to fight off a man in the back seat of a car. In swinging, women must take responsibility for their actions and verbalize clearly what they want or don’t want. Men are known to misinterpret signals but will respect your words if they are told. Just don’t expect them to read your mind. As a woman, you are not a submissive in swinging, but an equal. Some say that women are the real dominant force in swinging because what they say goes, meaning what they say out loud. If it were not for the wives and girlfriends in swinging, there would be no swinging, and so the men do everything in their power not to offend. We are speaking now of a code of behavior used by the more select swing groups, for there are swingers who do not follow any ethics at all, other than their sexual impulses. Men experienced in the swinging lifestyle know that when a woman says, “No, thank you,” she is to be respected and not coerced. After all, they want their wives to have the same right, and you will find most men in a couples swing group are honorable. The fifth area of fear is that of sexually transmitted disease, and it is a proper fear. However, in couples swinging, with proper screening methods in place, that risk can be virtually eliminated. A couple who only has sex with each other and other couples who only have sex with each other, ad infinitum, are dealing in a practically zero-risk environment. People who use drugs are a higher risk. Male bisexuals are a higher risk, and singles are a higher risk. Even if you have no fear yourself, you owe it to yourself and to your swinging friends to totally screen each new couple you meet as to their sexual habits before risking sex with them. Maintain strict cleanliness habits including showering and urinating after an encounter, and for women, douching with just plain water within two or three hours after to wash away any misplaced bacteria. The sixth area of fear relates to the fear of running into someone you know, or having someone find out about your swinging activities. In couple’s swinging, neither should be feared. If your sister, mother, fellow employee or minister should see you at a swing party, they are there for the same reason you are. So you are starting dead even. On the negative side, you each have the same information on the other. On the positive side, you both know you share the same interests, and having a common bond can enhance the relationship. Under those conditions, they know you are not going to talk about them any more than they would talk about you. As to swingers talking, couples are far more stable than singles. They have their own privacy to protect. They will expect you not to reveal anything about them to others and, therefore, they are not going to talk about you. It is the honorable thing to do. Discretion has always been a major plus in swinging. This, unfortunately does not always extend to singles. Singles do like to talk about their conquests. The bottom line is that most fears about swinging are groundless if you understand the realities of the lifestyle and play by the rules. Swinging would not be as popular as it is if this were not the case. There are many very important people in swinging who would not want their actions to be known, and yet they trust. We are impressed with the level of decency inherent in the lifestyle. Chapter 50 Jealousy While fear has to do with “things” and is essentially intellectual, i.e., when the facts are known they can be dealt with, when we start talking about jealousy we are dealing with an emotional problem. Mental problems can be dealt with mentally, but emotional problems must be dealt with emotionally, and this is a much tougher ball game. While some people are able to work through emotional problems, the fact that these emotions are not based on logic or intellect makes them almost irrational, and therefore beyond rational solution. When someone says to you, “Why are you jealous?”, your reality answer is, “I don’t know, I just am!” That’s emotion, and emotion is irrational. Back in my dating days, when some girl would have me turned on after a few dates, I felt all sorts of things but they were feelings and I would say, “I love you”. If she would ask me “Why?”, as many did, I couldn’t answer except with some lame gobble-de-gook that had nothing to do with my emotions. The simplistic reality is that you cannot explain emotions in any rational sense. And jealousy is an emotion. Let’s now look at jealousy in the framework of the swinging lifestyle. Few if any of us in couples swinging, are totally immune from occasional twinges of jealousy. Relationships are built on caring, and ability to participate in swinging as a couple is built upon caring plus trust. After eleven years as active swingers, Nancy and I truly let each other go at a party. Yet, if Nancy spends two hours in a bedroom with another man, which she never does with me in lovemaking, I find myself pacing and having those twinges. Don’t ask me why because I couldn’t answer. Fortunately, the twinges only last until she shows up again, and then I am OK. One of the primary reasons that threesomes continue to happen is built around jealousy. Many couples who would like to expand their sexual/sensual experiences start with threesomes and find that, for one or the other, it is not totally fulfilling. However, when the husband or wife is driven crazy with jealousy upon seeing the other going to bed with a person of the opposite sex, it becomes not a choice, but the only alternative. For most adjusted couples, threesomes are only a beginning mode. A man finds that seeing his wife with another man is fulfilling up to a point. Then he wants the adventure of another woman, too. Or vice versa. That’s why couples who start out with threesomes will generally move to couples swinging after a moderate amount of time. But if there is a jealousy problem on one side, if she can’t stand to have him go with another woman or if he can’t accept her going with another man, then they have to stay with threesomes or drop out. Interestingly enough, we have seen about fifty couples over the years who have adapted to the lifestyle differently. What they see drives them crazy with jealousy, but what they don’t see, if it bothers them at all, is all right with them. These couples, whether at a party or on a date with another couple, will insist on swinging one-on-one in different bedrooms. The sight of their mate or lover with another person triggers violent emotional responses, so they eliminate the problem by fully participating out of each other’s sight. Amazingly, for many couples, this does work well. Then we see the reverse syndrome. There are many couples who, as long as they can see, hear and touch each other, have no jealousy symptoms at all. However, if one should go alone into a bedroom without the other, all hell breaks loose. Then there are those couples where one or the other, or both, can totally handle a situation as long as their partner is engaged only in mutual masturbation, oral sex, or almost anything else except penetration. That is the boundary that, if broken, brings forth the outbreak of intense jealousy. Sometimes, among even well-adjusted, normally non-jealous couples, there are special situations that create jealousy problems. I may not care if Nancy goes with a hundred different guys under swinging conditions in the course of a year. But there may be that one, or those two men who make my hackles rise every time she goes with them. I go nuts. I don’t like it. I don’t know why, but I don’t. There are couples who feel very strongly that if the other wife “won’t go with me, you can’t go with him”, or vice versa. And if it does happen, watch the jealousy sparks fly. And, since the jealousy syndrome is a couples syndrome, this obviously does not apply to singles in the lifestyle. Quite the contrary, singles can be the cause of jealousy. So how do we deal with the problem? First of all, the primary ingredient is communication. And in this instance, listening rather than talking. You will get nowhere by intellectualizing the subject if one of you really wants to get into the lifestyle and the other has perceived jealousy problems. Jealousy is an emotion, as I stated earlier. To try and make your partner explain why, will get you nowhere. He or she only knows how they feel. They can’t explain why. Saying, “You will get over it”, is like saying, “You will get over terminal cancer.” You don’t intellectualize your way out of jealousy. What you can do is ask realistic questions like, “Could you handle a threesome with another man if I don’t go with another woman?” Or vice versa. Or, “Could you handle me with another woman if you didn’t see me, as long as we were in a safe environment?” Or, “Could you handle us together with another couple so long as you could see, hear and touch me? Could you be happy so long as you had veto power over who I went with?” Or, “If I only stayed with her for a half hour?” Maybe you can find a middle ground. But first, you must accept the emotion of jealousy as a real, no-cure disease. Our reality over the years has been that if your partner finds no acceptable way in which you can swing, and he or she will not still be jealous, forget it. Your foray into the lifestyle will be both brief and disastrous. Jealousy is an emotion as strong as love and hate. You can’t fight it but maybe you can find terms under which it can be dulled. Swinging works as part of a successful, trusting relationship. It is a fun, enhancing lifestyle. But if your relationship is the most important thing, as it is to most swingers, to try to force your mate into the lifestyle, knowing that he or she has the emotional problem of jealousy, could end your relationship. Chapter 51 Morality So now we come to the third of the killers for those who, for proper reasons, would really like to explore and participate in the swinging lifestyle: Morality. Where jealousy is an irrational emotion that borders on fear, morality is a function of carefully developed responses that lead to an emotion called “guilt”. These guilt feelings are the results of tapes that have been deliberately implanted into our brains by other people. The reality is, there is no right or wrong. Right and wrong, good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable behavior are not knowledges that we are born with. There is no such thing as an instinct for these things. We only have to examine other cultures to realize that. The very things that we are taught are wrong, in other cultures are right and good. Many things that we believe are right, in other cultures are wrong. Other cultures contain people just like us. They are only different from us in that they have been given a different set of rules to live by. And, because of those rules, many of the things that we have been taught are OK to do, they would feel guilty for doing them. The rules of society that are imposed on a human being from infancy become so deeply impressed on the brain cells that they become like the cassette tape that plays the same song over and over again. So deeply are they impressed that eventually they trigger automatic responses so that we need not question why. It becomes habitual and accepted without question. Even when we grow older and wiser and circumstances change, some tapes never die until they are questioned. These tapes will continue to play the same old song forever, or until the owner decides he is tired of hearing it and makes an effort to change the tape. So, let’s examine some of the more common tapes to be found and, as we do, recognize that most of us have been deliberately conditioned to deny our God-given urges and capacities and to sublimate them to someone else’s rules. Let us also recognize that this was done with a good intention but that such thinking was erroneous, resulting in much harm done to individuals. The primary victims of well-meaning parents are the girls. Some boys have been equally restrained, but girls are the primary targets when it comes to sex. Most boys are told by their fathers, with a smirk and a wink, that “boys will be boys”. But from the beginning of their awareness years, most girls are told by their parents, “only bad girls do those things”. In our culture, sex has always been labeled “bad”. Girls are told that sex with anyone but a husband is wrong, that if there is no love involved it is wrong. Many women relate how they hated coming home from a date because of the level of interrogation they had to go through with a parent. And, in the churches, when the Sunday School teachers and ministers talked about sin, they had little concern about robbery or murder. Sin seemed to be defined as having sex. The only thing that was possibly worse, was the enjoyment of it. Nowhere in the animal kingdom does nature require love prior to stirring the sexual urge, nor does it limit the species to having one mate, so far as we know. And while we would like to deny it, the physical human body is no less a member of the animal kingdom and subject no less to nature’s cycles. Even though we are destined to realize a higher consciousness, and there is much to say about this, though not here, we still inhabit an animal body with urges built in. So the first step is to accept that the sexual urge is going to be there whether we like it or not, that it is natural, and far healthier to accept it than to fight it. If we deny it and repress it, the sexual urge will show itself in one or another of the many unpleasant forms that we are accustomed to seeing in our society. Once the sexual appetite is accepted as a natural function of the body and used as such, the higher elements of understanding can come into play as they are released. Thus far for many women, and some men, the wrestling match in their minds between wanting to experience the fun of variety in the safety of the swinging community, which is far more honorable than cheating, versus the guilt generated by those childhood tapes that say, “If you do, you’re bad, bad, bad!”, begins with the first encounter. In fact, for many, it begins just at the stage of contemplating an encounter. Parents and religious teachers have done an effective job of indoctrination on most of us when we were growing up and impressionable. We were literally trained to feel guilt over any sexual activity outside of marriage, even though that is not a natural part of our humanity. And some are even conditioned to feel guilt if they actually enjoy the marital bed. We have watched over the years many, many cases of guilt reaction, and it comes in different ways. For some people it is triggered on the way to the bedroom: “I just can’t go through with this.” In others, the tears begin after a wonderful, enjoyable experience. Not tears of joy, but rather from the “What have I done?” syndrome. And yet others will go all the way through a multi-orgasmic, multi-partner evening and then have the tapes start the next morning as they wake up hating themselves and ridden with guilt. There is no question that if it were not for those brainwashing morality tapes implanted into the majority of the minds in the United States, there would be ten times the number of active swingers as there are today. Fortunately, there are many people who refuse to accept guilt based on brainwashing. They are able to reprogram the tapes in their minds to accept their own feelings of self worth as being stronger than the stored admonishments of mother or teacher. That is what every person has done who has freed himself or herself from the psychological bondage of other people’s conditioning. All it takes is persistence, insistence, to change old habits. But there are also many others who, try as they may, find themselves miserable day after day following a sexual encounter, eaten up by those carefully imposed morality controls that were put there for the very purpose of creating guilt feelings. We wish we had easy answers on how to remove fear, guilt and morality, but we don’t. Perhaps if people would be able to recognize the symptoms in themselves, as aware adults they could make peace with themselves and enjoy that which they really want to do. Maybe just knowing that others have battled the same issues and won, they too will be able to emerge victorious and be able to enjoy their own bodies. Until that happens, sadly enough, fear, jealousy and morality will continue to be the swinging killers for far too many people. Part 8 Attitudes That Enable Swinging To Work Chapter 52 Attitude: The Key To Swinging Success In our ten years of lifestyles involvement, both running our seminars for new and hesitant couples and holding our club parties, we have welcomed close to 2,000 different couples to our home. By the first, second or third visit, we can virtually tell you which couples will still be swinging in five years, and which couples are going to fall by the wayside in a relatively short time. One of the areas in which we see errors repeated, unfortunately, far too often is attitude. Those who are successful in a sexual-sharing lifestyle, approach it as a light, recreational activity. In other words, they treat it as a sport. On the other hand, those who take these encounters seriously make any of a number of mistakes and, in the end, can’t cope with what they do to themselves. Sadly, since they don’t understand what they are doing wrong, they can’t change it. One truism you must understand: Virtually all bad experiences in this lifestyle are self-generated. Your expectations and intense desire to succeed or compete can turn a humorous situation into a personal disaster. Sex is not a serious thing. Sex is for fun. Lighten up! Let’s imagine some scenarios of the kinds of things people do to themselves because they take swinging too seriously. Scenario number one. You have been answering ads and finally you find a couple who wants to get together with you. You are so hell-bent to get on with the experience that you don’t really ask the other couple any questions, except to make sure that they are equally as hot as you are. Since they can entertain and you cannot, you confirm the date and start out on the 90-mile trip to this couple’s home, full of anticipation and very nervous. When you arrive, the wife is so warm and inviting that you want to take the lady to the bedroom right away. But her husband is drunk, pushy and grabby, and your wife wants to leave for home immediately. Since she knows that this encounter is so seriously important to you, rather than have a fight your wife goes along with your desires. End result: She submits to this drunk, is subjected to rough and demeaning treatment in bed and there is hell to pay all the way home. Not surprisingly, it dawns on you that this may be the last swinging experience you will ever have. What could you have done differently? Several things. Had you agreed to meet at a neutral bar or coffee shop with the understanding there would be no commitment, you could have made that 90-minute drive with less serious intent, making the whole thing fun and exciting. You would have said to each other, “Tonight we will meet some people who may or may not attract us. But it will be fun either way.” It would have been a social occasion with no expectations or hopes. Then you would have been able to size up the other couple, learn how they swing, and find out what they like. Also, you should have had a prearranged agreement that if either of you didn’t want to party with those folks, you would gracefully bow out and leave. That way there would have been no relationship-threatening recriminations. Your attitude would have been, “It is just a lark. If we don’t do anything else this evening, just socializing with these people will be fun.” Scenario number two. Another situation in which attitude can destroy a whole evening for you is at a group party scene. It may be a small private house party of several couples or a large, commercial club with many couples, but at this party there is only one person or one couple who attract you. That is who you want, and you go for it. In essence, you put blinders on to the rest of the people, and you do not see anybody else at the party. No matter how dynamic or attractive the other people are, your tunnel vision has obliterated them. You’ve turned that party into a deadly serious chase and competition with a single target in mind. What you have done is reduced the party to a win-or-lose situation, and your odds of winning are ridiculously low. That person or couple you are chasing have their own agenda and standards of attraction, and the chances are you are not even on their list. And if the person or couple is particularly attractive, there will be others besides you strenuously competing for their attention. Win or lose? If you lose, you have had a miserable party. And if you have a miserable party, your partner is going to have a miserable party. You will see to that. We can’t count the number of people we have seen at parties wallowing in their own sense of rejection when a perfectly great party was happening all around them. And the reason is almost always the same. They took it all too seriously, setting themselves up for the to-be-expected rejection. A swinging party is not serious. There are many people who are attractive, sensuous and exciting in their own special ways. Instead of targeting one of them, if you lightheartedly open yourself up to all of them, you will inevitably have exciting encounters every time. Swinging is not a competition, nor is it goal-oriented. It is fun-oriented. We deal with stress and competition in our day-to-day lives. When we go to a swinging party or event, it is to relax and have a good time, not to re-create stressful conditions. In summary, regardless of the circumstances, if you have a negative experience in swinging, you probably did it to yourself with your own attitude. If this has been the case, you really have to step back and evaluate what this lifestyle can realistically bring you. It can bring you expanded sexual experiences. It can create friendships that are more fun and more open than those you enjoyed before swinging. It can create lighthearted fun and tremendous sexual excitement for you and your partner. But for these things to happen, you have to make it a recreational activity, not a win-or-lose chase. If it becomes a deadly serious game, you will pile up enough disastrous experiences to make you want to drop out, never knowing the fun you could have had. If you go with the flow of those around you, you will have a wonderful time; but if you try to control the flow to suit yourself, you will continue to find unhappy experiences. Others are not at fault. Your own attitude is to blame, You hold the key. Lighten up and enjoy the variety. That is what swinging is all about. What’s relevant is not what you are accustomed to, not what you want, not even what you are seeking but, rather, what is available. All of these people at the party are available. They are here for sexual excitement. Look at them with a new attitude, and enjoy the variety. Chapter 53 Reduce Expectation How many of you, as you were driving home from a party, found yourself complaining that "Everything went wrong tonight!" When I hear people complaining about having had a bad night at a party and wondering whether they should quit the lifestyle, or maybe try to find a better club somewhere else, I can only shake my head in amazement. How do they build such enormous expectations in this lifestyle? Do they have such expectations in other areas of their life? Do they expect perfection in their work? In their relationship? Where can you go and what can you do anywhere in life that will guarantee the same perfect results over and over again? Anyone who has bowled knows that you have good days and you have bad days, but you don't throw your bowling ball in the ocean when you have a down day. You know that, as your skill level and knowledge of the game improves, you are going to have more successful days. And, as your confidence grows, you're going to have far more good days at the bowling alley than bad days. For goodness sakes, the greatest batters in baseball have days when they are blanked 0 for 4. And a golfer doesn't throw away his golf clubs and quit the course when he has a bad day. The reality is, it isn't the fault of the golf course or the bowling alley. There are just days that you are in sync, and days when you're not. Days when you have it and days when you don't. In your job, regardless of your position or profession, there are days when everything seems to go wrong, and you come home talking to yourself. And in your primary relationship, is every day a perfect day between you? Of course not! You don't quit your job or give up on your relationship just because you had a bad day. You keep on trying to figure out where you went wrong and try to make it better. Somehow in swinging we expect every party and every encounter to always be perfect. Perhaps it is because we come from a puritanical society and as much as we want to enjoy sexual variety, we carry some guilt over participating. If we feel guilty, then we feel we deserve to have these bad experiences, and they are the proof that we are wrong to be in swinging. Obviously, things can go wrong at a party. But our experience after many years and some 1,000 plus couples who have been in our home, is that in an extremely high percentage of those cases there is a root cause. The words that describe that root cause are "anticipation" and "expectation". A lot of people spend days before a party pre-planning and working themselves up over what they anticipate is going to happen that night. By the time they arrive at the party they really expect it is going to happen exactly the way they have imagined it. But it doesn’t happen that way at a party where there is such a mix of personalities and other agendas. And once you get to the party and those things don't happen the way you planned it, everything else becomes a disappointment. And all the wonderful things that could have happened for you, don't. The reality is that a party has a life and spirit of its own. One of the reasons that we are able to enjoy the parties in our home week after week after week, is that the dynamics change with each combination of people. Each party is an adventure and we go into it without expectation. But we have had to learn to do that. There have been nights when I anticipated all week a non-stop group scene and it simply didn't happen. There were other nights when I expected a long tender two-hour love-making session with some lady and the whole party took place in the group room. If I go into the party thinking, "Tonight is my night to finally get together with Mary," I have forgotten that Mary has her own agenda. She may have one, two or three other guys she had planned to get together with, me not being one of them. So there I am sitting and pouting on the couch, forgetting that there are any number of other women I could have had a wonderful time with. In effect, I attempted to control the party to make it come out a specific way just for me. That is setting myself up for disappointment. We bring a lot of what happens to us upon ourselves without even realizing what we are doing. Another imaginary example: at the last party I had a couple of great experiences with two different women. It was a great party for me. Now I am back and those same two women are present. I naturally assume they are eager to repeat the experience with me. Not true. The problem is I forgot they are here for variety and they have their own agenda that probably does not include me. And because my expectations are shattered, I feel rejected, angry and confused. To make matters worse, my partner is having a great time and not feeling sorry for me at all. And because it's all her fault, the next time she comes out of the bedroom I tell her to get her clothes on, we're going home. Which means now we're in the middle of a fight. I have succeeded in changing my expectations of a perfect evening into a perfectly ghastly night. What could I have done to avoid it? First, it was perfectly okay for me to want to get back together with one of those two girls with whom I had a good time before. But the disaster happened when I expected it to happen. Because if you expect something to happen and it doesn’t, something inside of you breaks. Second, I have to remember that I had an encounter with both of those girls because at a previous party I was looking for exciting new adventures and was lucky enough to have found then. My mistake was in cultivating a desire for those two girls, instead of letting them go and moving on to other new adventures, and letting them move on, too. So I have to stop making those expectations or desires important, but rather look around and recognize the half a dozen or more provocative new experiences in the room awaiting me. Perhaps some of them will be women I have been with before, who knows? But variety is the key to my good time. It's amazing, always amazing, when I move around and talk to a lot of people, how everything falls into place, and there I am on the way to a bedroom and a stimulating event with someone I hadn't even planned to be with that night. Maybe to me it would have been more perfect if I had been able to connect with that person I specifically wanted, but the spontaneous encounter turns out to be surprisingly nice, and sometimes really good. Sometimes even fantastic. The bottom line is that no one else makes a second-rate night for us. We make it all by ourselves because of our attitudes. If you don't expect and don't assume, you won't be disappointed. Instead, find joy in the new and unknown. Make every party an unexplored frontier. Make each person you talk to a trail-blazing, unprecedented event. Don't reengage the bygones. Stay in the party and make the party materialize for you. Don't mope and feel sorry for yourself. As you move around, you make yourself available. You will find fun and adventure every time. If you sit still in one spot all night, you will probably have a terrible party. Every party can't be perfect but every party can be good by following this formula. No party has to be bad unless you yourself make it that way. A gathering of other like-minded people is fun only because it does have its own Now Time, which translates into its own flow and dynamics. No one person controls the party, including you. It is therefore an open page yet to be written on. If it does not turn out that way for you, that only means you are anticipating, or expecting, or targeting. To make a party work for you, the only anticipation you should permit yourself is to promise yourself a good time. If you turn on to someone who wants to make love to you one-on-one, go ahead and enjoy. If you find yourself in the group room and you are invited to join in a wide scene, join in. Have fun. But for heaven's sake, don't plan it. One of the great truisms that fourteen years in this lifestyle has taught me, is that every swing party or social is not going to be perfect. Even if you should hit a party where nothing seems to go right and you are feeling really bad, the question is, can it be rescued? It is never too late to toss out your expectations and anticipations, which are forms of mind control (your own), and open your mind to the flow going on around you. Watch the opportunities that suddenly make themselves available to you. We can bash ourselves all we want to, or switch the blame onto our club or partner or other people as much as we want to, but we won't improve our lot in swinging until we face reality. The reality is that swinging is no different from any other activity, endeavor or sport. In whatever we do, we are going to live with the emotional roller coaster of good experience/bad experience, good day/bad day until we learn to accept ourselves. If you enjoy the sport, be it golf, bowling, or swinging, and you stick with it, you will eventually develop friends and the social skills that will make more and more of your occasions wonderful. Accept the roller coaster as a part of the game, and you will find your enjoyment growing to the same degree as your experience. You are on a course of learning. Chapter 54 An Active Party is a Good Party We are all part of a lifestyle. That lifestyle is swinging. Our club, Club Sensitivity, is one of the unique ones in the country insofar as membership is only extended to those couples who have not only completed the seminar, but also demonstrated that they can party, handle it and enjoy it. Some outsiders would say that that makes us a hard-core club. Perhaps. We think just the opposite. We believe that people are far more sensitive at our club, and more comfortable and laid back when they know that every other person present is specifically there for exactly the same reasons and desires. It is far more stressful to have to work your way through a group of people and spend time trying to find those who really are there to swing. So, really, the only question that exists at one of our parties is not, "Do you swing?" but rather, "Do you want to swing with me?" "Or us?" In addition, the partying here begins between 9 PM or at the latest 10 p.m. There is no excessive sitting around that creates the problem of people being too drunk, which happens too often at clubs where dancing, drinking and socializing is the main theme of the evening and sexual activities do not begin until midnight or so. So, essentially, the ingredients are all in place for a couple to be able to have an easy and comfortable encounter with someone you like, and an active party. The question is, what is the definition of an active party? One of the fallacies we keep seeing is, there are those who have different definitions of what “active” means. For example, if you visited a town a thousand miles from home, and met a couple with whom you got together and had a fun sexual encounter, you would be raving for months about how great it was. But at the club where you go every few weeks, if the same thing happens where you meet a nice couple and have a fun sexual encounter, you go home depressed because you didn't get the three or four encounters that you expected. The realities seem to get warped the more people there are at a party. One of the negatives that sets in is the green-eyed monster of comparatives. "I had this one wonderful encounter, but Joe had five women. So obviously Joe had a better time than I did ." The train of thought would then conclude that "If I came to a party and have less than five encounters, I have had a lousy party." Isn't that a dumb train of thought? Here you are depressing yourself for not achieving goals, when goals have nothing to do with parties. Goals are what you have at work. FUN is what you have at parties. An active party is a good party, but it is the definition of "active" that is important. If you want to always feel good with yourself and pleased with what happened at a party, think of a party as a place to have a wonderful, fulfilling encounter. The difference is that at a party you have many more choices as to Who. When you and your chosen partner go off, whether as a twosome or foursome, with the idea that "This is my encounter for the night, and I am going to make it great!" When you come out of that bedroom feeling good and happy and fulfilled, you have already had an active party, therefore a good party. If you are relaxed and not under self-induced pressure to see how many people you can go to bed with, on many nights other opportunities will come your way, and you well might have several encounters. But if a good encounter is the goal, and any extras are merely a bonus, every party for you will be an active party - and a good party. If many encounters is your goal and definition of an active-therefore-good party, you will have a lot of disappointing parties. But your own attitude will have created that disappointment. Try changing your attitude towards thinking one great encounter can make an active and great party for you. Your only competition is yourself and your attitude. I promise you, do this and every party will be an active and great party for you. Chapter 55 Lighten Up, It’s Fun! Maybe it is conditioning, I really don't know. But all too often I see our club members and guests acting out what the philosophers of the religious right preach. How is that? If it is fun it must be bad! I watch members of a couple time and time again beating each other up because one was having more fun than the other. I watch them put rules on each other that in many cases are absolute guarantees that the partner can only do what is expected, not what he or she would want to do. That is no way to have fun! I see men totally destroyed by one rejection, failing to look around to discover how many other opportunities might exist at a party. I see both men and women running a competition, and feeling somehow cheated and distraught if someone else has had more experiences than they have had, rather than savoring the wonderful experiences they did have. I can go on and on talking about what so many, maybe most, people in our swinging lifestyle do to themselves and each other to turn their swinging evenings and their aftermaths into something heavy and deadly serious. Let me point out here that this seems to be a trait that is not exclusively limited to swinging. It is true in almost any activity. I used to play golf. Golf is supposed to be fun. Virtually all of the friends I had in my golfing days came off of the course miserable and frustrated. I quit playing golf because I almost killed a caddy one day when I threw a club in my anger at myself over a bad shot. How could I have been so stupid as to take what was designed to be a fun recreational sport, and make it so serious that it was no longer fun? And that is what an awfully lot of people are doing with their swinging activities. And that is why an awful lot of the couples who have dropped out are no longer swinging. Sex is supposed to be fun. It is supposed to feel good. If it didn't, people wouldn't do it. If you have sex and it feels good and is fun, why try to make it bad in your mind? If your partner has sex and it feels good and it is fun for her or him, why should you feel bad? Why should you feel angry and make them feel guilty? Making a living is serious. Raising a family is serious. Maybe even making election year choices is serious. But you did not choose swinging as a serious business. You chose it as a recreational activity because you thought it could be fun. And then so many people turn right around and make it serious and frustrating. Believe me, it can only exist if you keep it a fun, light recreational activity. If you have fights because of your rules, maybe you should blame the rules instead of each other or swinging. If you don't get a "yes" from every person you ask, the world has not came to an end. Just be happy with the wonderful times you can have with the ones who do say "yes". The bottom line is, you can have, and probably will have, a wonderful time tonight, no matter what it is that you are planning to do, if you don't take it seriously. The same goes for this lifestyle. Lighten up. Relax. Have fun. This is a recreation. Let it remain a recreation. Chapter 56 Don’t Compare Yourself To Others One of the hardest adjustment areas we all have to deal with in the swinging lifestyle is that it is not a level playing field. There are ups and downs in our moods. This is one of the reasons why couples who have rules have such a hard time. Our capacities are not only different in general, they are different on any given night according to our individual moods. Yet we tend to judge ourselves by what we see going on around us. We simply can't compare ourselves to those other people. Each of us has to be “me”. And understand, ME is what makes any evening a success or failure. There are both men and women in every group whose capacities far exceed their partners, but even they are not immune to having an “off” night. And if they compare themselves to others, they are miserable. If they can accept themselves and focus on their own feelings, they have a good time. There are women who can go non-stop with unlimited orgasms, whose husbands or partners are really done after one to three encounters. There are men who can go four to six times a night, whose partners are totally satiated after a couple of encounters. And there are bisexual women who can continue on after all of the men are out of business. What we all have to understand is, that's OK. You are okay just the way you are. You don't have to change yourself to meet the standards of others. Swinging was never intended to be a competition between partners, between men or between women. Its success is assured by the pleasure each person finds in the encounters they engage in. The number of encounters is far less important than the personal pleasure each encounter can give you. Somehow, too many of us seem to feel we are being judged by our activity. The reality is that the judge is yourself. The need to prove something is only personal. Nobody else cares about your ego trip. A partner who goes to a bedroom with you has to assume that you are ready, that you want to go with him or her and that they are not just a number on an achievement chart. There really are, at any given party, five or six men who between all of them can satisfy thirty ladies. And there may be ten men who can satisfy two ladies each. And there may be fifteen men who can only satisfy one lady. That means in a thirty-couple party, every lady is going to have at least two, probably three, encounters on an even basis. But we equally have the other side of the coin. There are ladies who only want one encounter. There are those who want a couple of encounters, and those who want all they can get. Amazingly, it all comes out even. But it has to do with more than physical capacity; it has to do with mood and how you feel today, tonight. There are headaches, PHS and other illnesses. There is job-related stress and personal stress that just can't be shaken at a given party, so someone who normally is tremendously active may do practically nothing on some nights. Thus, the reality is that in swinging we are not equal. On different nights we are even different people in who we desire. The only area where we are all equal, is in our opportunity to enter the flow of a party and play as much as our feelings will allow. We are equal in our ability to have a good time doing it. The person who has five or six encounters does not have any better time at a party than the person who has one great encounter and is satisfied. So, since we are not all equal, please don't drive yourself crazy comparing yourselves to others. You are okay the way you are. We wouldn't want you to be any other way. Chapter 57 Swinging Dependents It happens virtually to every couple sooner or later, if they have been swinging in a group or at a club. So, don’t take this personally. This applies to many. The scenario goes something like this: you have met this really nice other couple at a party and went on to have a sexual encounter with them, which turned out pretty good. The next time you returned, that couple was there again, and, remembering that it worked out pretty well the last time, you indulged in a repeat performance which was also enjoyable this time. The next time you planned to come to a party at the club, you received a phone call from that other couple checking on when you were going to be at the club so they could be there too. Their joy at seeing you again and being with you again was exciting and flattering, except for one problem: you really wanted to try someone else for a change that night. Now you found yourself trapped by their need to be with you. By the next party you realized that you were no longer dealing with light recreational sex and social activity. You now had dependants on your hands. They sat around waiting all night to be with you to the point where you felt obligated, and you ended up going with them to assuage your conscience. Over a period of time the other couples started avoiding you. They have you pegged as being at the party only to spend time with that other couple. You may be a group within a group, but you no longer are part of the club as a whole. This situation is another example of the type of thing that can evolve that makes the Rule of No so important in our lifestyle. This Rule of No is not just something to be invoked when someone you do not desire approaches you. It is also something that, even though painful to do sometimes, must be used to tell people whom you really like, that, as much as you like them, you do not want to be with them that night. The Rule of No is the only method by which you can take back control over what you do; it is about choice and refusing to be entrapped by the wants of other people. The failure to use the Rule of No will succeed in ruining the party for you. And, once parties cease to be fun, you will tend not to want to come back. What makes swinging work is having many friends and lots of variety. Having dependants who require your personal attention party after party can only create a very negative situation. The best thing you can do for them and yourself is to tell them like it is. You have enough dependants in the rest of your life, you really don’t need any in swinging. Chapter 58 Stressful Situations We join this exciting lifestyle because it helps remove stress from our lives, not cause it. But unless and until we learn how to read body English and grow to understand the subtle behavior and etiquette of how the lifestyle works, stressful situations can develop and catch us off guard. I have to smile when I remember the incidents from the party the other night, none of which needed to have happened but nevertheless did happen and were extremely stressful to the parties involved. What we are going to try to do in this chapter is point out how to be prepared for stressful situations and to avoid those situations because you now know better. These are all true stories that just happened to take place at a single party. Example one: a young lady whom we will call Karen was on our patio giving her husband a massage with another lady when Jack came up and started talking to her. Their conversation evolved to the point where Jack asked Karen if she would like to party with him. The incident that followed took place because Jack and Karen both forgot that one of the basic precepts that makes swinging work is the "Rule of No". Simply, this means that if an individual asks another to do something and that person does not choose to participate, a simple "No thank you" without further explanation is considered sufficient. The asking person should then withdraw. Generally speaking, this works. If the asking person hears the "No, thank you", no further explanations should be required. In fact, further explanations can, as occurred in this instance, complicate the situation instead of helping it. Our club requires both members of a couple to participate equally, though not necessarily together, in sexual activities. Jack did not accept Karen's NO, and because Karen was new to the lifestyle, she decided she needed an excuse. She said to Jack, "I don't go with men:". Within minutes Jack came running to us to report that Karen did not participate sexually with men and should be removed from the premises. Although we knew differently we could not persuade Jack; he chose to believe Karen's lie rather than accept that he had been rejected. What is the moral of this story? Because she had tried to create a fictitious explanation for what should have been a simple "No, thank you", Karen created for herself (and Jack) a tremendous amount of stress. She knew that her words had been reported and she spent the rest of that night in fear that she was going to be asked to leave for having violated a club rule. Instead of removing stress by merely turning the man down, she created stress because she felt constrained to give an explanation. Explanations are not only never required, they almost always create problems. A psychologist in the Tampa area once told us that if you tell people how you feel they can never argue with you. They are YOUR feelings, how can they argue with that? But if you try to give them a reason why you feel a certain way, they can find reasons of their own to argue with your reason, and instead of having stated a simple truth you now have an argument on your hands. A little later that evening an angry husband reported to us that his wife, let's call her Susan, was in the hot tub and some guy angrily dunked her after she refused to go to the bedroom with him. This couple was new to swinging, this being their third party. When we talked to Susan, her hair was indeed wet and she looked traumatized. She did not know who the man was but once we located him (we'll call him Larry) we explained the situation to him. Larry's response to Susan's accusation was that it was all true except that he had not dunked her. Rather he had been sitting next to her in the hot tub holding her shoulders and she must have been resisting, pulling away from his hands because when he let go of her shoulders she slid off the seat and her head went under the water, and he reached over to grab her to help her. Knowing Larry, we realized that we were dealing with a matter of two different perspectives. Yes, he had been there, yes he had had his hands on her, yes he had asked her to go to the bedroom. Our conclusion was that he had not deliberately dunked her, rather she had slid in. He did not realize how upset she was, and for the next couple of hours the party turned from a joyful, fun event into an extremely stressful situation for both Susan and Larry. What is the moral of THIS story? First of all, unlike at homes, condominiums, gymnasiums and nudist resorts, hot tubs during party hours are not places in which to relax alone, believing that you will be left alone. In a swinging club situation, by and large, the Jacuzzi or hot tub area is a foreplay area. Had Susan, who was an extremely inexperienced swinger, been aware how the Jacuzzi operates as a playground, that it is a lot of fun if you are there with a predetermined partner or if you’re prepared to have advances made on you, she could have remained in control and merely said, “I am not interested” when he first touched her. What each person has to learn who is attending a swing club, a house party or any premises in which sexual activity takes place, is that there are areas where sexual advances and physical touching are expected and there are other areas where hands-off or neutral behavior is the rule of the game, and to find out where those areas are. Because Susan was not prepared, her experience in the Jacuzzi turned into a momentarily devastating event and for a couple of hours was extremely stressful for all concerned. The third incident that occurred that evening involved two major awareness factors. It was approximately 1:30 in the morning and we had just finished dealing with the Susan incident, when we heard shouting in the kitchen. We came in to find a group of people milling around with several of the men restraining one man, whom we shall call Jerry, other people comforting a second man whom we will call Scott, and several women comforting Jerry’s wife, Donna. Jerry had, out of the blue, walked up to and delivered a right uppercut to Scott’s jaw. He was very fortunate that Scott showed great restraint and did not hit him back, for it could have turned into a much worse situation than it already was. There are two things that Scott did to irritate the situation, when he could have prevented it. First and foremost was the excessive amount of time Scott spent with Donna, which was over two hours. Swingers must remember the philosophy that makes swinging work. It is a light, frivolous, fun activity that involves no emotional connection between the participating parties, except for the intensity of the sexual experience while it is occurring. Therefore the normal sexual encounter at a swing party will run thirty minutes to an hour including foreplay, exploration, and finally sexual culmination. We in the swinging lifestyle, at least 95% of us, are part of committed couples. When I take a lady to bed, I always have to be aware that she also has a partner who may be concerned about her. If I keep her too long, her partner begins to worry, and wonder if I am romancing his wife instead of just having play sex with her. In that case, I have violated the trust of that man who permitted me to spend time with his primary partner. The same is true in reverse. When Nancy is with a man, she must always be aware of the man’s wife who is concerned about her husband. What led up to the blowup was the fact that Scott had been sexually involved with this woman at two previous party occasions and both times he had spent in excess of two hours in the bedroom romancing her. When this occurred for the third time, which was at our party last weekend, Jerry was fuming after the first hour had gone by. He was already thinking of vengeful things that he could do to Scott. So the first moral of the story is: keep swinging light, fun and recreational, not serious nor romantic. You will seldom have stressful encounters with angry husbands or wives if you remember this. The second factor that could have prevented the blowup, was the failure to read body English. If Scott had remembered to read Jerry's body English, something we are constantly reminding individuals in the lifestyle to do, the ugly scene could have been prevented. The necessity to read body English is there at all times. Its function is to be aware of the state of mind and emotions of the people around you as the evening progresses. It is by reading body English that you find people who would like to swing with you, and those who are not interested in you without going through the embarrassment of being rejected. Many stressful situations can be avoided by reading body English. If you are talking to a lady, be aware of her husband and see if he is agitated, morose or acting angry. The same in reverse. If you are a woman talking to a man, see if smoke is coming out of his wife's ears as you are talking to him. In the Jerry/Scott/Donna case, at the previous encounter between the two couples, Jerry had given Scott every indication that he was immature, unstable and paranoid when it came to his wife's sexual activities. The moral of the story relative to THIS point is, had Scott not let his horniness and desire for Donna override his objectivity, he would have noted Jerry's agitated behavior and probably would not have gone with her that particular evening at all, let alone for over two hours. We could go on for pages with story after story of incidents that turned what could have been pleasant evenings into highly stressful times only because the people involved did not know how to read signals. Or how to act or react in various circumstances. In short, they did not recognize that swinging has very clearly defined rules of behavior and action. We read articles on how wonderful swingers are and, underneath, most of them are pretty nice people. But somehow, we forget that they are just normal human beings who have fears and concerns, who misread what is happening around them and, in most instances, have expectations that exceed reality. And because people with expectations try to make their dreams become reality, somebody is usually set up, and whenever there is a "setup" there is a reaction to the setup. And it is then that you have a truly stressful situation. Once you learn how the game really works, you can have an absolutely marvelous time in the swinging lifestyle. Those of us who are survivors really do. What we are trying to accomplish with this book is to help new swingers become more aware of the stress potential that exists, how to read a situation and how to defuse growing negatives they have a chance to explode. If the rules of behavior are followed, everyone can have a wonderful time. Chapter 59 Keep The Excitement Alive Some people are bored with swinging, but they let it become boring. If you look at sex like Gertrude Stein looked at a rose (a rose is a rose is a rose) and you look at a party as a party is a party is a party, then swinging can become boring. If you look at your job as a "day is a day is a day", then your job can become boring. Your hobby can become boring. If you're a diver and you say, "a dive is a dive is a dive", then your diving can become boring. Golf can become boring. In almost everything that we do in life it is a constant struggle to keep what we are doing from becoming old and stale, dull and boring. The mystery of excitement, renewal and fulfillment, is one that we are trying to solve in every aspect of our lives. How many of you have embarked on a new job and found it exciting and challenging and somehow had it sink into a routine that had you looking in the want ads for something new again? How many of you, in your own relationships, have found the thrill and excitement of exploration, discovery, and learning the nuances of that other person, fading into some sort of an OK state and having that nagging feeling that maybe with somebody else the excitement would not only be recaptured, but maintained? For whatever reasons, for almost everybody, early euphoria seems to dissipate into feelings of dissatisfaction, complaint and, in many cases, depression. But each of these facets of life can be perpetually exciting if you yourself make them that way. If you make each golf stroke a challenge, each dive an adventure, each day at your job a recognition of new challenge, each morning that you wake up beside your partner a day of gratitude, life cannot become boring. It is constantly new and exciting. The same holds true with sexual encounters and parties. The excitement lies in your attitude. If you are willing to accept that each encounter with a new partner is an adventure in exploration, discovery and sharing new vibrations rather than “just another sex partner”, swinging will be constantly new and exciting. A party is an exciting occasion to experiment with new people or to see if you can renew the same feelings with someone you have known before. It is like reading. If you read the same book over and over, eventually you're going to be bored. But each new book is a new set of pages to be explored. That is why billions of dollars of books are sold each year. Boredom in swinging is only a result of the individual approach to it, not a result of the party itself. As individuals we can make every aspect of life either titillating or boring. If you are bored with swinging, you have to look at your own attitudes. You cannot blame swinging, for rich opportunities abound with each encounter. Probably the underpinning of this lifestyle of ours is based on a recognition that it offers the opportunity for new and varied adventures unlike almost any other lifestyle in the world today. One of the most heart-warming and exciting things for us, who receive hundreds and hundreds of phone calls and letters every year from couples who recognize that they need something to spice up their lives, is to watch them make the crucial decision, as frightened and nervous as they might be, to go for it at the party after the seminar. And to watch them sparkle with the euphoria of recaptured excitement as they are about to go out the door to go home. At that point in time, these couples are totally caught up in the adventure of what is happening to them and the adventure is almost fantasy land. What amazes us is that while there are many couples who retain the fantasy land attitude and find every swinging adventure new and exciting, there are, unfortunately, many other couples who miss the whole point of what swinging is all about and become as bored, discouraged and depressed with this lifestyle as they have become with all of the other things that they have done in their lives. Swinging as a lifestyle is built around the excitement of variety. Thousands of attempts have been made over the years to form closed groupings of a few couples, and all have collapsed within a year or so, sometimes less. Because once encounters with the same people become regular, no matter how exciting they were in the beginning, the adventure ends and the activity becomes routine. Close to 90% of the couples that we have known who have attempted a closed grouping, such as whole weekends with another couple, have found that the initial excitement wears off after a short while. After rushing together at the beginning of the weekend, the very thought of having to have sex with the same person for the rest of the weekend, becomes at best uninteresting and at worst something to be avoided. The exciting flow of the beginning couples comes to an abrupt stop. It would be a good exercise to remember the attitude of when you first began swinging. The beginning swinging couple expects nothing, because they don't know what to expect. They plan nothing, because they don't know what to plan. In short, what makes it such a fantasy is, they just can't believe all the wonderful adventures that are happening to them, over which they had no control. For those of you who are wondering why the fantasy and excitement in swinging has been replaced by a sense of routine and boredom, look again at your approach. If every time you go to a party you start to create expectations of what is going to happen, you will find your expectations shattered enough times that you will start to suffer depression. If every time you go to a party there is only a small select group of other couples or individuals that you repetitively want to go to bed with, sooner or later you are going to find the parties routine. If you try to control what happens at a party, you are going to find that every other couple or individual there has their own agenda, and very few people are interested in your agenda. The net result is going to be frustration. If you come to a party and your only goal is how much sex you can have, you will find that you have missed the best part of the party, which is the people. Recognize that sex is merely a tool of interaction with people, and if you permit yourself the time, you will find that there is much, much more to them than just their bodies. The bottom line reality that we are trying to express here is that everything about the way swinging and the party scene is structured, has been created to sustain an on-going excitement, adventure and sense of fantasy for those who understand it. If you can come to every party, to every gathering, to every encounter in this lifestyle the way you came to your first seminar or to your first swinging adventure, with a sense of "I wonder what's going to happen tonight?”, then those new adventures will be there waiting for you. If you try to make every party the same, by coming in with expectations and controlling the outcome, seeking out only those people with whom you feel the most secure, then you will leave fantasy land behind and swinging will indeed become routine. Allow yourself to approach every party the same way you did your first one, and swinging will be a never-ending excitement, fulfillment and joy in your life. Chapter 60 Regular Attendance at a club We have observed in our club a few couples move from the position of shy, reserved and on the fringe of things to that of assured, comfortable and an active part of the party in a relatively brief period of time. When you belong to a social club of 200 couples, of whom 15 to 40 couples attend the club every weekend, if you attend only once every two to six months, the chance of your finding people you know and are comfortable with, is rather remote. This is true with any large social club, not just a swing club. For example, if you were going to be involved in a bowling group, your bowling scores would go up if you bowled regularly, and stay mediocre or worse if you bowled only once in awhile. Like any other social activity that people engage in, the reality is that some people have more fun than others. It does not have anything to do with better sex or better personalities, it has to do with basic social planning. In our club we don't have one party a month to which almost everyone comes. The house is too small. So we have spread our functions out to include every weekend of the month. This means that our 200 couple family has eight selections to choose from every month, every Friday and Saturday, plus two more on the fifth weekend months. A number of popular couples at our parties were once shy. They quickly reversed the trend of dealing with strangers to dealing with friends just by coming a few times more over a two or three month span. They will all tell you that the more often you attend parties, the easier it is to mix. One couple had been very active for many years, and then they dropped back to a couple of times a year and found those two parties difficult to mix. Then they attended two second Saturday parties back to back, and at the second party suddenly found themselves having a truly great time. They once more had a group they were comfortable with. This is normal for any social or recreational group of people. Even where there is no sex involved, the events you most enjoy are the ones where you are among people you know. That does not happen by accident. It requires that you attend the function, whatever it is, regularly so you find the same core group present each time. It is no different at a swing party. Whether you choose the first, second, third or fourth Saturday at a club like ours, you should make that Saturday your regular monthly night to attend. It should become a part of your monthly activity calendar, no different than your bowling night, or your night out with the boys or the girls. Certainly you should plan to come every other month if you cannot make it every month. Within three months you will begin to recognize certain couples among the regulars with whom you can strike up a conversation even if you haven't partied with them. In return, they will get to know you and feel the same way. All at once, instead of being perpetual strangers because you are not regular at any one party, you become part of the core group of that one party. As regulars, you will now feel more eager to come to a party with less palpitations of the heart from nervousness. You will be more comfortable because there are a certain number of couples who are also regulars with you. You may even start to talk with them on the telephone prior to the party. You can't help but get to know people when you are in close proximity to them. At a party, while you look forward to meeting new couples each week, you can retreat to these regulars for social conversation when you need them. You can use them as your base of operation as you venture out to meet the new people, who are now the strangers at your party. Soon you will gain the confidence to make the first gestures to the new couples, and as you extend yourself you will enjoy yourself all the more. Plus you will have more sexual encounters in an evening. When you are turned down by a new person, you will always have your friends to fall back on, people with whom you enjoy partying and who enjoy partying with you. This lifestyle is built around a feeling of intimacy, friendship and a sense of belonging. This is not to deny that you could come here once a year, find a neat encounter and go away satisfied. That could happen. But the real fun in a group activity also has in it a sense of belonging, participation, and having a cadre of friends who are happy to see you and vice verse. New adventures are always there at the parties, even among strangers. But the joy of seeing people you already know when you come in the door, makes it so much more fulfilling. A bad party is one in which you feel left out. A good party is one where you belong. You have friends around you, friends you are happy to see and who are happy to see you. They serve you as a family, a warm and safe cushion to surround you and make you feel wanted. You can have both sides of the fence, new friends and old friends, and it is fair that you should have it. The word we use is comfortability. You really will double your fun and halve your apprehensions if you make it a must to attend one Saturday every month at the club of your choice. You will find that every party is a joy if you schedule it into your life. If you participate only occasionally, swinging is still fun, but every time is a re-start with strangers. When you make a visit to the club a regular event, it becomes a truly rewarding lifestyle of friends. Not just for sexual encounters, but for the warmth of the camaraderie, acceptance and mental stimulation. We tend to schedule everything else in our lives because that is what makes most things work, but we often forget that fun and relaxation are equally important. Fun, too, needs to be scheduled into our lives. We have observed that the more satisfied couples follow this pattern. Parties are tailored to provide an environment for fun. A club owner can provide the facilities, the amenities, and the people. But for you to make it a fun party with friends instead of a party with strangers, you have to own it by making it yours. Chapter 61 The Singles Attitude The swinging lifestyle is not a homogeneous entity in which any of us can refer to a rule book on how it should or should not be done. The commercial swing clubs, while keeping some semblance of order about couples, do try to allow single men into their clubs. But the vast preponderance of clubs are non-commercial in the sense that they were not founded to be profit centers or to make a living for the directors. Each club represents the philosophy of the owners and that of the personal friends around whom the club was formed. These clubs were formed mostly because there was a need in the area and someone was dedicated enough to try to do something about it. It happened that when we started in 1981, there was an off-premises club in our area that for four nights a week permitted entry to single males. That club was doing very well then. But there were also a number of couples in the area who were looking for something more than sex. They wanted an atmosphere that permitted them to socialize, meet other couples with whom to spend evenings, create friendly rapport and if the spark was there to enjoy sexual variety. These couples believe that couples should stay together in the sense that they arrive together and leave together. They are in swinging because they choose to include swinging as a part of their relationship. Single men think we are missing the boat by sticking with the couples-only rule, but to our members their relationship is far more important than having an extra male organ to replace the husband who dropped out. That is why we don't want singles in our club, because they THINK like a single. Single men think sex is more important than the relationship. A committed couple, man and woman, believe in the relationship first. Single men assume that once we are at a party we have to swing as a couple with another couple. I have been to a number of couples clubs around the country and I have never been to one where pairing up, couple to couple, was a requirement. I go with the ladies I choose and Nancy goes with the men she chooses. If they happen to be from the same couple, that is a coincidence, not on purpose. And threesomes are plentiful. Some men like to go to bed more times than others and so do some women. God did not make us all equal in our sex drives or capacities. This is accepted in the lifestyle. No woman has ever told me that she couldn't go to bed with me unless Nancy went to bed with her husband. Because we care about our own personal relationship, we treat the others that we meet the same way, the way we would want our wives or companions to be treated. When the singles are around, women are many times made to feel like a piece of meat. The caring and sensitivity are not there. Pursuit becomes the game, just as it is in the singles dating scene, and the goal is sex. Our Club Sensitivity is constantly growing because there are an awful lot of couples out there who want a relationship-protective environment and social contact with other open, sexually free couples who are looking for friendships with couples of like mind. The couples swinging lifestyle is growing, not diminishing. The only way singles are accepted into a couples-only group, and it does happen on occasion, is when a couple have developed a good rapport with someone and they get permission from the others to bring him along to a party. This is rare. Threesomes occur privately at home, but couples do not intrude their single friends onto their couples-only friends because they know themselves, that they would not be comfortable in reverse. That is the way for a single man to find his way into swinging. Some couples-only clubs have formed “bring a friend” night where a couple can bring along a single friend, male or female. These evenings work out well because it is understood by all the players that singles will be at the party. More important, each single there has been pre-screened as to attitude. Chapter 62 Moral Philosophy The subject of sex has been on a moral roller coaster from the beginnings of recorded history. Like political correctness, moral correctness has been a guiding influence on what people do in any period of history. The question that we face when we deal with the subject of morality is, whose morality do we let be the judge and jury in our lives? One gentleman in our club has served as a Methodist minister in excess of fifty years. We had a discussion on the subject of morality one day, and he said to us, “The truth is the churches follow public opinion rather than the other way around. They do not create public opinion.” The example that he used was the example of the divorced person. Fifty years ago a divorced person would not have been permitted to attend most of the churches in the United States. Thirty years ago a divorced person could attend a church but could not be a member of the board of directors, deacons or serve in any leadership position. Today a divorced person not only can be in a leadership position and attend church, but there are a substantial number of churches that even have divorced persons as ministers. This happened because of a growing public acceptance of divorce that forced the churches to change their morality definitions to meet the definitions of the public at large. The studies that were made by both Kinsey and Masters & Johnson showed that twenty and thirty years ago a preponderance of the married population, both male and female, had in fact admitted to having engaged in at least one extramarital sexual experience at the time of the surveys. What was the morality fact of life? Sociologists have declared that the sexual revolution was caused by the evolution of the birth control pill. It was not morality that kept women from having sexual variety, it was the fear of pregnancy. Once the fear of pregnancy and the stigmas that went with it were eliminated, people as individuals felt free to make choices relative to whether they wanted to share their bodies and enjoy them, or not. So we get to the bottom line question that many of the couples raise who attend our seminar on swinging. It is a dilemma which they want us to solve for them. Is swinging “right”? By that they mean, is it moral? Since swinging is, by our definitions primarily a couples activity, we have to deal with the perceived sanctity of the marriage vows. If an individual can feel free to have an affair and not feel that they have created a great moral sin, why is it more of a moral sin to enjoy sexual variety as a shared activity with your spouse? Our basic moral position is that adultery implies a breach of trust with your marital companion by committing an act behind his or her back, and it is the breach of trust that is the immoral act and not the sex. We feel that there is nothing immoral or strange about a couple being able to totally love and respect each other and have, as a shared recreational activity, sexual interchange with other couples of like mind. What goes around comes around. Up into the 19th century there were societies who believed that the marital relationship could only successfully exist if the parties were well trained in the sexual arts, and therefore family members or designated members of the tribe or society actually trained the children after they had reached puberty in the joys and techniques of sex. And, though rare today, there were indigenous societies who believed that to be a good host you shared your husband or wife sexually with your visitor. Today in the United States and in a number of western countries there is a rebirth of polyfidelity, which is the community style of living where, regardless of legal husbands and wives, all members of the group share each other sexually, according to attraction. We have to recognize and always be alert to the fact that no matter what it is that we do, or what it is that we read, or what it is that we see on television or in the movies or on the stage, there will always be those who will see it as immoral. Our moral philosophy is to a great extent built on the certain historic knowledge that what is looked upon as immoral today will be treated as moral in some tomorrow. Perhaps we are simply ahead of our time. Chapter 63 Political Philosophy In the lifestyle of sexual sharing you will seldom hear people discussing politics or religion. These are emotional areas that have nothing to do with our fun. However, we want to be sure that what we do here is still OK five or ten years from now. We believe freedom of choice has no political party. It is a universal issue. We seem to be in a new wave era where politicians are grasping on issues that would close down all of our freedoms if carried to the extremes. We really do not like pornography at all, mostly because so much of it is tasteless. However, there is no virtue in politicians banning it and eliminating the free choice of adults to read it in their own homes. We do believe laws against child pornography are valid because children who are not mature enough to make free choice judgments are being exploited. But consenting adult entertainment is not the same thing. Sexually explicit music and movies are under attack. Frankly, again, our view is that most of it is tasteless and dull. But people still are entitled to choose what it is they want to listen to, or see, whether in a theater, night club or their own homes. Recent polls have shown that most people are terrified of losing their freedoms, even more than they are of acts they consider repugnant. The flag desecration issue is, of course, a case in point. When people burned the American flag in a show of protest and were subsequently arrested for desecrating the flag, the case went all the way to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court ruled that, on a first amendment basis, burning the American flag might be immoral, stupid or unjust, but it was not illegal and that in fact you have the right to express an opinion without hindrance. But some politicians want to try to legislate every part of our lives. We have to even deal with those who want to dictate what you can wear at a beach. We certainly are not suggesting being political activists in defense of our rights to pursue our lifestyle. But we do think that we should all listen well to the published positions of candidates from city to county commissioners, to sheriffs, to legislators in the areas of first and fourth amendment rights. And, regardless of party, support those who are not trying to impose their moralities on us at the expense of our basic freedoms of choice in what we do or see or hear. Chapter 64 Negative Self Worth One of the ongoing problems we are constantly made aware of in this lifestyle is that of the man or woman who perceives himself or herself as unattractive and unwanted. This problem is amplified when that person's partner is an outgoing and extremely active member of the group. This is the problem of negative self worth. "I'm too big." "I'm too old." "I have no hair." "I have no breasts." "Everyone else is so much more attractive than me, no one will want me." That type of thinking is inevitably a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you are a nerd, you will act like a nerd, and you will be treated like a nerd. Women act out negative self image differently than men but the result is the same. They will find other gals who suffer from the same negatives about themselves and hang out together laughing, talking and pretending to be having a good time. Thus the clique develops. No guy is going to break into a circle of women who seem to want to be with each other rather than be with a man. In essence, a wall is put up that men think they should not penetrate. These girls with negative self image will not risk sitting in the areas where they are exposed to being asked because they are afraid they will not be asked. Here they are at a party where every man has arrived because he wants intimate contact with a receptive woman, and these girls send out every possible signal they can to tell the guys they are not receptive. Men who have the same problem of low self image, express themselves in a different manner. A man with no confidence in his acceptability will generally shrink away from any contact at all, neither men nor women, and hang onto his wife. This now takes two people out of the party. The logic is impeccable and beyond argument. If you sit in a corner with an unhappy look on your face and you never try to talk to a female, you will never have to face rejection. Stated simply, you make it clear to those around you that you have chosen to be a nerd, and the people around you will let you be exactly that. The reality we have seen is that there are no real nerds in our club. Wonderful times are had by all because they choose not to be controlled by self doubts and negative self image. Engaging in playful sex with others is a great way of boosting self esteem. Only those who have chosen to remain out of the party tend to be unhappy and remain unfulfilled, which is not the case in our club. Each one of our members, because they proved themselves up front and passed the test for themselves, is a warm sensuous lovable human being, and because they project themselves that way they are received and accepted that way. If you project yourself as a smiling happy person, you will get smiling happy responses. If you project yourself as warm, sensuous and sexy, you will get warm, sensuous, sexy responses. But be realistic. Even the so-called prettiest people don't get positive responses from everybody. All we can ask for in this lifestyle is that we consistently get positive responses from some people. That already is going to be more people than most of us can handle in a night of lovemaking activity. If you allow yourself to love yourself and project that love outward, instead of projecting a negative, withdrawn image which is not really you at all, you will project a positive desirable image. When people see your smile and happy demeanor, and when they feel your warm, sensuous and sexy vibes, they will sense a vital, alive, desirable person and be attracted to you. Love yourself and exude that feeling of well being, and at virtually every party you will taste the warm glow of success. Chapter 65 Create a Party Goal Some people are goal-oriented, where others, like Nancy who goes with the flow, are not. I am a goal-oriented person and my goals have changed over the thirteen years we have been swinging. Looking back to the beginning of my experiences with the lifestyle, I guess my primary goal was to see that Nancy had a good time. Very early on it became clear to me that if she had negative times, my time in the lifestyle would be cut short rapidly. Later on, as Nancy became more comfortable and adjusted and I saw that she was creating her own good times, I realized that I did not have to worry about her and I could put my time to better use. The reality was she was a big girl and she knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it. So, then I moved on to phase two in my swinging career. When I realized I no longer had to worry about Nancy having a good time I began to take care of me. I then created a new goal for myself, namely how many girls could I go to bed with in one evening? Quality encounters were happening for me here and there, but that was not the goal. My goal at that point was quantity. There was a time in 1985 or 1986 where I could look around the room at a party and smugly say to myself, "I've been to bed with every woman in this room." But, I soon realized that that was a stupid goal. Instead of truly enjoying the encounters I was having at a party, I was spending a lot of my time worrying about the ones I didn't have or couldn’t have. So, finally around 1988 I moved into phase three, which is the phase I am still in and suspect will remain in for the rest of my swinging days. Now I think I am working with a set of goals that, for the first time are mature and fulfilling for this lifestyle, fulfilling to me, fulfilling to Nancy and fulfilling to my partners. These are my goals today: 1. I try at every party to spend quality social time with at least two couples I have known before, and two couples I have never had a chance to get to know. The goal is to really try to get to know and understand them. If it turns out that a sexual encounter happens, that is neat, but that is not the goal. The goal is getting to know them. 2. I try at every party to have a quality encounter with one lady with whom I have been to bed before and, from experience, know there is great excitement and chemistry between us. 3. I try at every party to have one new experience with a lady with whom I have never been before, and to enjoy the excitement of a quality, long-lasting exploration. 4. I try at every party to find the opportunity to spend some quality loving time with Nancy. If those four goals can be accomplished, and they are accomplished today most of the time, I know that I can wake up the next morning saying to myself, "Boy, that was an absolutely wonderful night!" Many times the flow of the party will put unexpected opportunities in your path that create joys unrelated to your goals. And that is neat, too. I have learned to go with the flow in terms of who I end up talking to and having an encounter with. But I also have observed that people who do not know what they want at a party, can really end up confused and in the end find they have gotten very little out of the party. It is not important that my goals be your goals, but know why you are coming to a party. Then when opportunity comes your way, you can seize upon it. If you don't have a set of goals for the three, four or five hours you are in attendance at the party, opportunity may come and go and you will miss all of the fun because you were not sure what you wanted. Don’t have expectations, fantasies or pre-plans. Just knowing your goals is sufficient. Then let the flow of the party place opportunities in front of you. If you have been confused or unfulfilled at swing parties, try creating goals for yourself. This approach could enhance your experiences. Chapter 66 Take Time to Know People In our lifestyle, Nancy and I have found that swingers fall into two broad categories when it comes to approaching a party situation. There are, of course, gray areas in between, since obviously none of us can be totally stereotyped. There are those couples who come to a party to meet a couple and after ten minutes of vibing, find themselves in a bedroom. And, fortunately for them, there are many other couples who share that space. The other side of the coin is that there are just as many other couples who feel they need to get to know potential bed partners prior to intimacy. It is important to understand that the reason each of these couples is at a party is that they do intend and want to swing. But, the differences of approach can create bad experiences on either side unless there is a level of understanding of these differences. Some people have a great need to feel that they are known and understood as individuals, as couples, as people, before they have sex. To do otherwise makes them feel like objects. They want to like that other person as a person, and want to be liked by them in return. That can take a half hour, an hour, two hours or it could take five to ten parties before they feel ready to have a sexual encounter with that person. In a party that runs six to seven hours, that really is not an impediment to having multiple experiences. But it does require awareness. And for those who do not want to be coerced into an encounter, it does require exercising some control. If you are approached by a person or couple who are hot to trot and you want more time, say so. If the other couple doesn’t want to spend time socializing first, they will move on. The only way your experience will be somewhere between good and great is if you refuse to go along with the powerful forces of the other. Verbalizing your thoughts is essential. In real terms, over a period of time you will develop two levels of swinging behavior, as viewed by an observer. With couples or persons with whom you have developed a rapport, many times you will go to bed with them with few preliminaries because you are already comfortable. But on an initial encounter with strangers you will put it off and merely socialize with them until you are ready to go to bed. Secretly you are trying to gain a grip on their space and that is OK. But when you are finally ready, be aware that they may be afraid to approach you again and you may have to make the counteroffer. But retain your desire to get to know them better, if that is your way. It will guarantee you a better experience. Nancy and I, because of the seminar, have the opportunity to get to know most new couples fairly well, and they us, so we don’t face the problem. But we recognize and respect that it is a very real and continuing problem for many. If you want to be recognized as a person, not just serve someone else’s need at the moment, you must make your desires known. A club only exists to offer the opportunity to meet people and have a variety of experiences, and these are personal growth experiences as well as sexual experiences. But you do have to exert yourself. Success does not come easy. Only you know what you want. If you want time with someone before you go to bed, then ask for it. If you don’t want to spend time on preliminaries, clearly state it. You can have exactly what you want if you ask for it. Another person cannot honor your wishes if you are mum and remain cordial. That can only be interpreted as assent. A meeting of the minds can only happen if you both honestly express what you want. Bad experiences are mostly the result of people failing to express their needs and finding themselves in a situation they could have avoided by honest expression. This is merely another facet of the one commandment in swinging: The rule of No. It means you retain control until you are ready to say yes. You have final say in what happens to you, but only if you say it. Unfortunately people are not mind readers. Part 9 The Primary Relationship Chapter 67 The Love Connection Swinging is a positive force in the relationships of those couples who participate in the lifestyle. It is a relationship-enhancing form of recreation. The proof of the pudding shows up in our records over the period June 1987 through December 1988 when twelve couples, all of whom attended our seminar as either dating or live-together singles, took the big step and got married. We saw twelve weddings in eighteen months. Getting married is an exciting element in our lifestyle and reveals a lot about what swinging is all about. Swinging is a true test of trust, something a marriage must have to be successful, and the willingness to share on the deepest of levels. It is a test that, if passed, offers a couple the opportunity to grow and expand in many different ways that are not only sexual. It creates areas of communication that goes beyond the norm. It creates the opportunities to take responsibility, and it is done in an environment where other people are equally protective of their own relationships, so it is safe. Swinging provides an atmosphere that can nurture and help a budding relationship grow. It is exciting to be part of such a movement that turns temporary relationships into permanent ones. It is fun to watch couples grow closer, happier and freer as they attend parties month after month. We were so close to the forest at first that we failed to take note of the trees. When we began to count up the numbers of weddings within our little club, we were amazed. We at Club Sensitivity were so impressed that we decided to honor the ceremony of marriage. In essence, marriage is an initiation into greater life by merging with another human being. And so we held a group reaffirmation ceremony. Immediately upon announcing that, an unmarried couple came forward and said, “We’d like to be married for real on that day, too!” The group ceremony was heart-warming and pulled the group together like nothing else. It included a group of 22 couples who joined verbally in an exchange of vows in our large backyard within a circle of flowers under an arch. One of the members buried 23 crystals beneath the flowers and later gave one to each participating couple, including the bride and groom. Another member played the key board, and another member performed the ceremony as a minister from a major denomination. There was a group wedding cake, an outdoor sit-down dinner, and a swing party afterward. The whole thing was recorded on video. And yes, the bride and groom came out of their honeymoon suite of a motor home later in the evening and partied with the rest of them. This most interesting phenomena has been taking place in other clubs, too, in recent years. It only solidifies our belief that couples swinging is a real movement, not a superficial one. The first glimpse we had of it was at the Lifestyles Convention in 1988. During the masquerade ball a young couple was married by a justice of the peace before thousands of onlookers. Many were astounded, including us. When asked why, they said, “This is our lifestyle and these are our friends. This is our family.” Then at the In-Touch conference in Nashville in November 1988, a couple was married among a crowd of 300, followed by eight other married couples who stepped forward to reconfirm their marriage vows under the eyes of the minister. Shortly after that, two other clubs around the country held group reaffirmation ceremonies where couples re-affirmed wedding vows alongside other couples with whom they had been sexually intimate. This bears a remarkable similarity to group marriages. There have always been attempts at group marriages throughout history but because they were linked with attempts at communal housing where families shared spouses, bedrooms and children, they have failed. Or if they were led by a single leader and that leader died, the group died too, if its policies were too restrictive to allow outsiders to join. On the opposite side of the fence were those movements that were too free, with no rules to protect sensitivities, a la the flower children of the 50’s, or the drugged-up hippies of the 60’s. It was in the early 70’s I believe that the California-based Synergy movement first began to flourish, but today that too is beginning to flounder. Too much time is spent philosophizing to actually live it. They are too careful. The practicalities of setting up group families are horrendous, but a little known book entitled “A Compilation on Sex”, which contains extracts from Alice A. Bailey’s writings (early to mid-1900 esoterica) speaks about humanity evolving in the next century out of possessive monogamous sex into group conscious sex with an emergence of a greater sense of responsibility for the group. According to Bailey, the Western civilization will be well on its way by the year 2000 to resolving the problems caused by the culture’s restrictions of the sexual urge. While she frankly admits she does not know how this will take place, we believe our lifestyle is providing the quantum leap through sexually uninhibited groups evolving responsible sex. It is the dawning of a new age and a new way of thinking. At the root level couples swinging is expanding, working its way into the main stream of society. The dark corners where covert sex previously took place, the sleaze bars and cheap one-night motels, are transforming into lovely homes, bright lights and pool parties. Economic barriers are breaking down as truck drivers are going to bed with judge’s wives and meeting for Sunday afternoon picnics with the children. No matter what you call it, it is becoming establishment. Just barely, but it is happening. That couples want to reaffirm their wedding vows to each other in group ceremonies is a fresh new approach to past attempts at communal love relationships. It is as if these couples are saying, “It is not sexual anarchy that we want, where everybody is everybody’s wife and husband. And it’s not a dictatorship, we don’t want to follow a leader. Nor is it a church where we have to believe one school of thought. We just want to be ourselves, have fun, and make our own choices. We are not a group. We are only two, a husband and wife and we come first above all else. We are committed to each other first. No group is going to take that away from us.” And these couples apparently need to say it publicly: “Yes, I’ve gone to bed with you and I’ve enjoyed it. And Yes, I’ll go to bed with you again, and probably with lots of others as well. But this man, this woman, is my first love. I’ve chosen him, her, to live with and I have not forsaken that commitment, no matter how many others I go to bed with. We love the group, but this person right here beside me comes first. And if you love one another and feel the same way that we do, then we can be friends because then you will be no threat to us.” To those who think swinging is a low-grade superficial sex style, this tells the true tale of what it’s all about. Chapter 68 What Swinging Means to Us Personally In the twelve years that we have been active in the lifestyle, Nancy and I had more than a thousand encounters. Our enthusiasm never waned, though we had many discussions to bring ourselves back together on the same page. We held a monthly eight-hour seminar in which over 700 couples participated in the after-party for their first time experience. We are truly interested in assisting people who want to try the lifestyle to have a proper entry into its potentials and pleasures. At the end of our era, our club had just over 200 active member couples who were attending house parties in our home on any weekend of the year, though not all on the same weekend. We have a combination of both our own personal view and an impersonal overview with which to look at swinging. For us, swinging is a special glue in our relationship. First, it constantly reaffirms our trust in each other. We know that for each of us it is a recreation that we can enjoy at a party or a private couple-on-couple encounter. We arrive together, we leave together and we sleep together. Neither of us is going to become emotionally involved with our sex partners because we talk after every party, telling our thoughts and feelings. Nor are they individually going to become emotionally involved with either of us, because they too are a couple who have their own relationship at stake, Is the sex unemotional? No way. Our sexual encounters are intense, loving and fulfilling, but when they are over they are over. There is no subject more exciting than talking about sexual experiences and fantasies after we have lived them. The communication that we have built between ourselves because of swinging far outweighs any other subject in excitement. After a weekend of sexual swinging delights we can talk and probe each other about every detail of the adventure we had. But, even better, because swinging has helped us learn to talk to each other, we can now talk about everything else under the sun. With communication, relationships flourish. The friendships that evolve through swinging have been super special to us. In the straight world we had good friendships, but they all had boundaries around what you could say or do. With our delightful swinging friends, even if we have a non-swinging social evening, we can be open, talk about anything, touch, look into each other’s eyes, and never worry about condemnation, either from each other or our swinging friends. This is perhaps one of the most fulfilling aspects that the lifestyle has brought to us. Since swinging means so much to us as a couple, we would like to share some observations as to where and how swinging is going to go, grow, survive and continue to evolve into the 21st century. The media scare of the 1986-88 period on AIDS changed the game totally. Since the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) of the U.S. Department of Public Health have categorically stated that AIDS is not a high risk problem for the white, middle class, heterosexual, non-drug-using population, and that anal sex is the primary mode of sexual transmission, there has been a huge resurgence of interest and participation in swinging. But the mode is different than it was in the ‘70’s and early 1980’s. In the 1940’s to 1970, swinging was almost 100% couple activity. Later, in the “anything goes” period of the sexual revolution of the ‘70’s, the clubs like Plato’s Retreat in New York and Playhouse South in Miami, now long gone, which allowed singles in and indiscriminate so-called “couples”, including prostitute partners, became the overcrowded “in” thing. As we tracked over 240 clubs throughout the country, what we saw happening is the well-screened, couples-only clubs growing beyond their wildest dreams. Clubs that admit singles or don’t screen their prospects are disappearing from the scene. We are getting back to the original version of swinging, which is a selective couples-only sport with responsible sexual behavior. I expect that trend will intensify. Events that are created for couples only, if well planned, will be highly successful, while events that include singles will increasingly fail as tons of single guys come and find not enough women. Those women who are present will feel uncomfortable enough that they will not come back to that particular club or event. And without the women there is no swinging. This trend was reflected in our own highly restrictive, fully screened, couples-only club. More new couples joined us in one month in 1993, than we saw the whole year in 1987. From what these couples told us, the primary reason for attending our club is that they wanted a protective environment in which to live out their sexual fantasies. Part 10 The Role of Education in the Lifestyle Chapter 69 The Attrition Factor In a lengthy survey on swinging conducted among swing club members across the country in the early 1980’s, Paul Miller of Chicago found that only 25% of all swinging couples who belong to clubs renew their memberships at the end of the year. I had the privilege in 1989 of leading a symposium at the club owners meeting of the Lifestyles Convention in Las Vegas, where Paul was a member of my panel. Representatives from many clubs from the United States and Canada were present. Each person present had compiled a list of clubs in their area to discuss at the forum, including many different factors that made up the profiles of those clubs. Membership renewal was one piece of information that was shown. The information that came out that day in 1989 showed that the representative areas of the panel, probably over 200 clubs, had a median renewal factor of just under 27%. Four years later, it had not improved and may have gotten slightly worse in the area of retaining members in swing clubs in the United States. This means that a swing club, in order to just stay even, has to replace 75% of its entire membership each year prior to being able to grow by even one member couple. This is a task that is beyond the means of most clubs over any period of years. That is one reason why, in the state of Florida where we were located, only one club owner operating in 1981 when we began is still in the swing club business today. At that same convention in 1989, following the panel presentation, we gave a presentation to the some 65 club owners in attendance about our seminar on swinging. We explained to them that it was a requirement for membership in our club, Club Sensitivity. What we tried to show to the club owners was that, while they were fighting a 27% renewal rate, we had enjoyed an in-excess of 65% renewal rate for eight consecutive years at our club. Simplistically, that meant that we only had to replace 35% of our membership before we could start to move ahead and grow. While only a handful of clubs around the country after that point tried to establish an educational seminar as extensive as ours, we were gratified to find two positive things happened in the ensuing period. First, close to 40% of the clubs who put us on their reciprocal mailing list, were in fact running educational meetings of one or two hour duration every time they had a party. A number of these even went so far as to make this mandatory before a couple could actually come to a party. The second thing that happened on a positive note is that a number of the swing publications began to devote a portion of their space to educational rather than frivolous articles for the benefit of the would-be swinger. The real problem that creates this low line renewal of couples in swing clubs is not couples moving around from club to club, but sadly couples dropping out of the lifestyle. The dropout factor is, to a great extent, the result of expectations not being fulfilled because they were allowed to be unrealistic, and couples finding mediocrity rather than excitement. These two things occur because the couples who drop out do not understand what swinging is and why it exists. They were not prepared for it properly, either mentally or emotionally. Swinging has grown and survived as a lifestyle because some of the more responsible people involved have recognized that, like driving a car, there are rules of the road that, if gone unrecognized and therefore violated, can kill them. While there are clubs who do not have rules, there are those swing club owners who take the time and make the effort to create a set of rules of behavior for their membership. When they go a step further and teach those rules carefully and enforce any violations of those rules, they create a safe and comfortable environment in which the swinging couple returns over and over again. In essence, they create a level playing field for all participants equally. A level playing field is a safe environment because it implies that everybody is playing by exactly the same rules which does not allow stronger and more aggressive individuals to take advantage of the weaker or more sensitive ones. If you know the rules and the club enforces the rules, there should seldom be unpleasant surprises. There will be a number of readers of these words who are just beginning to explore the idea of swinging. And there will be those who have had limited experience, most of it bad, and there will be those who have been swinging for awhile and never found an environment in which they could be totally comfortable. We would urge any such couple, if they are struggling to find a group to join, to ask the club or group leader the following three questions: (1) Do you have a well-defined set of rules of behavior that we can see before we come there? (2) Do you teach how to recognize and deal with situations that could be unpleasant so they do not actually occur? (3) Do you limit your membership to people who have agreed to follow those rules so that we can have a level playing field in which to enjoy our swinging? We did that in Club Sensitivity. We guarantee that virtually all of those clubs who do have rules and do enforce them will still be around in five years, and none of the others that you talk to will even exist. That is the way it has been in the past, and that is the way it will be in the future. The bottom line is, for good and happy swinging experiences, a little education goes a long way. If you are going to choose a swing club or group, find one that has standards of behavior, teaches them and enforces them. Chapter 70 A School on Swinging As the final chapter of this book on swinging, we would like to give the reader a peek into what was a typical seminar day at our house. Our seminar, which was mandatory to joining Club Sensitivity, is the reason why we enjoyed a 65% retention rate as compared to the 27% renewal rate in other clubs, where couples drop out of swinging due to bad experiences. Swinging is not sexual anarchy as many beginners seem to think and many club operators fail to inform otherwise. An informed presentation is extremely useful to the beginning couple so they can adjust and revise their expectations to better fit the realities they are about to face. Unlike the picture presented by the general media and television documentaries, the lifestyle is not one continual orgy. We include this brief glimpse into our seminar so that other couples might design their own educational forum from it, if they have an interest. The couples arrived between 11:30 and noon on the day of the seminar, which was always held on a Saturday. They were given name tags and a tour of our home to see where the bathrooms were, the bar area and the shelves onto which they placed their bags and personal belongings. We told them “This is your space. You own it for as long as you are here.” Our host couples introduced them to the other couples present and left them in the kitchen for coffee and Danish pastry to socialize and relax. At 12:30 they were invited to come into the living room to find a seat on one of the many sofas and chairs available, which was supplemented with additional chairs. We always started with a welcome by Nancy followed by an introduction of the experienced co-host couples present, usually two, who had special name tags to identify them. Then there was a review of the agenda by me of just what was going to happen during the day. They were assured that the entire day would be fully clothed, that there would be no pressure put on them, that they could get up and go to the bathroom without asking, and they could leave at any time they choose. They were told they did not have to do anything that would make them feel uncomfortable. It was strictly a rap session. On the first round, each person answered a series of questions on a card that was passed from hand to hand. This was done as a consciousness-raising exercise, meaning each person was given the freedom to speak without interruption for as long as he or she held the card. The card had two parts to it. The first part was personal description, vocation, hobbies, marital status and children. The second part was sexual, asking them about their experience in the lifestyle, what made them want to consider swinging, what their fantasies were, what do they wanted from the workshop, and did they want to be in the same room with their partner or a separate room, if they chose to have an encounter with another couple or person. The result of this exercise was twofold. First, the couples started to know each other and began to feel more comfortable. They begin to realize, much to their surprise, that they had a lot more in common with these other people than they suspected. Second, as they spoke to the group they revealed more about themselves, and we were able to pick up on basic fears and concerns about swinging which fueled the next phase of the seminar. As we moved along, the discussion addressed subjects such as the effects of swinging on their relationship, the friendships they would make, how to meet and approach people of like mind and not make mistakes, jealousy, male and female performance, and more. It was not limited to this. We then went around the room and asked each person to give us their biggest question, concern or fear about the lifestyle. Invariably the disease factor came up, and how to say "no" if they did not want to accept an invitation to a bedroom, how to deal with rejection, about the legalities of the lifestyle, pregnancy, hygiene, social and sexual etiquette and many other related subjects. Once we had those questions on our list of notes, we took a thirty-minute lunch break. This usually was around 3:30 p.m. After lunch we had our first touching exercise. Everything during the seminar was fully clothed, including this exercise. It was a sensuous exercise done with their own primary partner. It led them in a guided journey touching hands, arms, shoulders, hair and neck and ending in a long embrace and kiss. It was a way of bonding together before branching out to include others. The feelings of warmth, reassurance and sensuousness aroused by this exercise was deeply intimate. In one session, a husband broke apart from his wife of 35 years with tears in his eyes. This exercise set the tone for the balance of the seminar. From 4 p.m. to 5:30 p.m., we discussed all of the various questions raised by the group earlier, plus a few they didn't think of because of their lack of experience. The key ingredient to success in the lifestyle is finding out that you are not alone in your fears and, as a matter of fact your fears are quite normal. Our experienced co-host couples offered further support and feedback on how they had learned to cope in their early swinging days. At 5:30, we broke the group for one hour into separate men and women talk sessions. There, more gender-specific matters were raised. Both men and women had areas of concern which they were reluctant to bring up in front of their partners and the opposite gender. The women especially found this to be one of the highlights of the day. From 6:30 to 7 p.m. the subjects of party etiquette were discussed, like "Don't use the bed as a conversation area if other couples are waiting for bed space." Then at 7 p.m. we had the second touching exercise. This was the first real test of how ready a couple would be for a swapping encounter later. Each member of the couple did this with a person not their partner who was chosen by the co-hosts during lunch. It was a sensual fantasy trip while fully clothed, with some intimate touching. Without having to face the trauma in a bedroom, each person rapidly learned their own reactions to their mate touching another person and them self being touched by someone else. We observed these reactions, even though we were involved in the exercise too. Following the touching exercise, we asked each person to talk about the feelings they had during the exercise. This completed the seminar program. We wrapped it up by explaining that each couple would be interviewed privately during the serving of the dinner buffet, and that a hugging circle and party would follow dinner for those who felt ready to stay for their first experience with another couple. In the interview, the debriefing consisted of three parts. First, feedback from the participants themselves, what they liked most about the seminar, and what they liked the least about it. Secondly, a discussion on how they felt about their readiness to engage in a swinging experience, and our observations. Third, we asked them if they would like to stay for the party. If they both said yes, we asked them to please sign a legal disclaimer. The disclaimer stated that they were over 21, that they understood there would be nudity and sexual activities on the premises, and that they were not here to cause harm to anyone else through media or law enforcement affiliation. Couples who did not feel to stay, were invited to return on a party night in the future to try again. It was highly social from them on with nervous anticipation filling the air. Nine o’clock was the witching hour in our house. Some couples went home before 9, while others changed into more casual clothes in preparation for the hugging circle at 9 when the lights went down, candles were lit, and music turned seductive. Nancy then led the women to rotate by each man who remained stationary, and give them each a greeting and hug. After the hugging circle, some headed out to the hot water whirlpool in the enclosed back yard, or took drinks over to the little cocktail tables on the patio, or paired up for the bedroom. In back of our house there were no neighbors to see us. Pine and oak trees surrounded the property along with the privacy fence. The formal preparation had now been completed and personal contacts were being initiated after making eye contacts throughout the day. This was the graduation ceremony for each attendee. They knew that they would have to prove themselves before they could be invited to join the club, if not tonight, then on another party night. Everyone was free to make their own connection, sometimes with a little help from the co-hosts. In the morning, over an informal breakfast, we and the co-leaders discussed who did participate and who didn’t, and compared notes on what we each had observed during the party. Graduates received a welcome letter and a wallet-sized, lifetime card of certification which entitled them to join the club for the lifetime of their relationship. Those who didn’t participate were sent a letter inviting them to return to another party and try again. At our 80th seminar we had 16 couples present and three couples revealed emotional problems with the idea of swinging. One other couple made the intelligent decision to go home to talk about it some more because they felt they were not quite ready. With each of these couples, seminar interaction exposed underlying problems that had gone unnoticed, or had been denied by the parties involved. But at least they found out they had a problem before going to bed with someone, where it could have blown up in a violent explosion of anger. The purpose of the seminar is to help couples face the reality of swinging and to avoid negative experiences. A bad experience is a setback. It takes between five and seven good experiences to override a bad one. These wounds are hard to heal. The twelve other couples attending that same seminar confirmed for us once again that our swingers’ school served a positive function. As we watched those happy couples play with each other in the group room in the glow of subdued lights, hearing their moans of pleasure and their giggles of social ease afterwards, we felt really good with ourselves. But there was something else here too that is pretty hard to define, a side effect that outsiders did not see that made what we did so rewarding. It was watching those couples let go of heavyweight programming and censorship and lighten up. It was listening to them talk openly and candidly about their new feelings. It was hearing their honesty when they talked about their mistakes and recognizing their courage when they asked for critiquing. It was seeing them hug, childlike, in genuine acts of bonding. They are more free today, not just sexually, but emotionally and mentally too. This is what made us feel really good about what we were doing. We were seeing more responsible, more caring, more loving, community-conscious human beings emerge from the other end of the tunnel, who were not only willing to participate in the world around them, but eager to do so. Epilogue The Sensitivity Seminar Group, known as SSG, disbanded in April 1993 when the author and founder died of congestive heart failure. His widow, (Diana on the Anakosha website) met her current husband that same year and, together with three other couples from SSG, founded Anakosha to carry on the tradition of lifestyle education. Anakosha was founded as a not-for-profit corporation in Florida in July 1994. Diana and Brian married in November 1994, and are still together in 2014 living in Naples, Florida. They may be contacted at diana@anakosha.org. Website: www.anakosha.org. Previous page Home